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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 23/03/2007 19:28

Xenia please stop comparing her SS to your babies

Totally different and if you don't have any experience of autistic children IMHO you won't understand

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:30

you are right pann he is a member of the family absolutely and it isn't pure and simple, but i would think its a harder decsion to leave him out than to include him?

Rhubarb · 23/03/2007 19:33

I think you all need to have a meeting, no matter how much you all dislike each other, and thrash it out.

At the heart of this must be the boy's welfare and not any sense of "but I want him there on the big day" or "he is your son so he should be there".

What does the boy involved say? Has anyone asked what he thinks? Is he capable of getting involved and saying what he wants to do?

Have a meeting and reiterate that you want to do what is best for him and not anyone else. Keep that stance and you won't be at fault if anything goes wrong.

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:33

if his mum and his grandma think he should go and his dad is wavering then it seems he should go to me

and between them I'm sure they can manage

it sounds like his mum and dad have been apart for long enough to be civil about it and there are presumably noother children to think about

Blandmum · 23/03/2007 19:35

I think the only reason that should stop him attending should be if it would upset him too much.

Excluding him because of other reasons would be wrong IMHO.

If his father and mother it isn't right for him to attend could you not spend part of the day with just him? Some quiet time just the three of you that could be special for him?

You will have 5 days to be just you and DH.

PeachyClair · 23/03/2007 19:35

In wouldn't marry a man who was prepared to marry without his own child rpesent.

And by the way

AUSTISTIC P[EOPLE ARE HUMANS TOO.

Bloody, fucking unreasonable.

Rhubarb · 23/03/2007 19:36

PC - this is about what the child wants, not whether or not he should be there. His dad is concerned for his welfare. Would you approve if they dragged him kicking and screaming to the wedding just so they can say they included him?

PeachyClair · 23/03/2007 19:38

No, but I think they should have organised a celebration he could attend happily. Thats what I believe. I couldnt imagine putting my plans for ANY day before the needs of my ds's.

Pann · 23/03/2007 19:38

Really don't know quad. It ain't easy, and I get the image of "screwed if you do, screwed if you don't."

in years to come it may be tricky to fully expain. That would be just tactics, yes. But still, we include alot of rellies at these things whom we would rather not have for lots of reasons. This chappie hasn't 'done' anything wrong. Again, IMHO.

Rhubarb · 23/03/2007 19:40

Yes but PC he is not her ds, he is her partner's ds. And yes he should be included in part of it. If he wants to be. But it sounds as though even if they did something with him, some people would still insist he turn up on the big day whether the boy wanted to or not.

Seems this is less an argument about what is best for the child and more an argument about what other people would be happy with.

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:42

Rhubarb that is exactly my point just more eloquently put

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:44

but there is no difference in whether it is mum or dad..or is the fact that he is a dad make it different? I don't think it does

He may or may not have a meltdown at some point but that is something which shouldn't make a difference..it could be the case if he was at home all day

Greenshoots · 23/03/2007 19:53

I agree with VVV and Xenia - I do see your difficulty, I really do (grew up with severely autistic brother). But really if you are going to marry a man who has a severely autistic child, everything about yourlife together is onig to be different from what you have previously experienced or expected.

To put it bluntly, I think if you are planning to become this little boy's stepmother, then you can't have the kind of wedding that you would have had if you had both been childless. You have to find a way of knitting him and his autism into your life, not working round it. There will be lots of oher occasions when family life/celebrations/holidays etc just aren't what you have been used to previously, because your stepson will be there and his needs will have to be incorporated into your plans. If you can't even get through the wedding day without him having to be excluded, I worry about your future life together.

I agree about the BM term too, I think it's offensive, although it's clear you didn't mean it that way.

MegaLegs · 23/03/2007 19:54

I'm not sure she wants her SS excluded from the wedding because she feels it will ruin the day but more because she is worried about his emotional welfare (from the OP and a quick skim of thread)

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 19:56

I've not read the entire thread but do any of the posters who say the OP is being unreasonable have any experience of autistic children?? She doesn't want him there because "The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine." Not because she wants to deny he exists or because she doesn't see him as part of the family!

I have an autistic cousin. Nearly 9 years ago it was his parents' 25th wedding anniversary and they had a party. Obviously he was there. Bearing in mind he was an adult and verbal, he required his "key worker" (not sure of the proper term, he was in residential care living semi independantly) and had to constantly remove himself from the crowds in order to survive the day. This was an adult who was able to understand and who had a carer with him. How is a non-verbal 12 year old boy going to cope?? Should be be put through that simply because others think he should be there whereas in fact, he has no idea what it means and would have an absolutely hellish time?? Far better IMO to do something else another time to celebrate the wedding which he would be able to enjoy.

I think the OP is being perfectly reasonable, despite my oiriginal "WTF!" reaction to the thread title.

Greenshoots · 23/03/2007 19:58

Yup, I have experience of autistic children. And I disagree with you Soupy (see post below)

MegaLegs · 23/03/2007 19:58

Exactly Soupy - your first and last paras were exactly what I wanted to say.

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:59

I also have experience of autistic children and agree with Soupy its just so difficult isn't it. i just hope what ever conclusion they reach it is right for all of them.

Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 19:59

Thanks for the responses, it's really helping me to think!

Just to clarify - this is NOT a child free wedding. My sisters children will becoming and various friends children will also be in attendance.

If DF's son was your average 12 year old then it wouldn't be an issue, ofcourse he would be there and involved.

Re: the title of post...sorry it does look harsh was just trying to convey dilemma succinctly.

We cannot 'hire' someone to help - son is very very wary of strange people and it would have to be someone he knows very very well to even get him into the building.

I have known DF for 10 years and we have taken things very slowly. For a long time I was not present when his son visited as it was too anxious for him and interupted time with his Dad. Gradually I interacted more with son and he now accepts me most of the time although will sometimes push me out ofthe room (or less often out of the house lol!).

When planning the wedding our first thoughts were of how to work it around his son and DF decided that it would be less stressful for son, myself and our guests if son was not there. DF made the decision as he wanted to be able to relax on his wedding day rather than be on alert for potential problems with his son. He does take alot of care and will probably never live by himself (although we can hope!!).

It was only when MIL told his ex that this was the plan and his ex has gone mad at DF saying he's ashamed of his son and being excluded from our family, and he was a pathetic dad to not want his son at wedding, he's being selfish by not wanting to care for him at wedding etc etc. DF is heartbroken at accusations and is now wondering about including him. I am upset because we have planned a wedding that is justnot really suitable for himto attend. It is at a stately home, civil service, hired a string quartet, champagne reception, and wedding breakfast followed by more music, fireworks and dancing. We have 150 guests and 200 in evening. It is a big occasion!!!

I am pretty sure son will have a meltdown which generally involves slapping people and shouting, possibly pulling someones hair and then he sometimes drops to the floor where you have the choice of dragging him out while he is lashing out or leaving him on the floor. My concerns are really that son is goingto get into this state, DF will have to confront it and it can be upsetting for people to watch.

OP posts:
Pann · 23/03/2007 20:00

yes soupy,my sis. has an autistic son, who dd and I see v. regularly indeed.

And do maintain my opinion, for what it's worth.

RTKangaMummy · 23/03/2007 20:00

EXACTLY SOUPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SherlockLGJ · 23/03/2007 20:02

We have 150 guests and 200 in evening. It is a big occasion!!! And he should be there.

I wouldn't care if it is in Mc Donalds, you cannot exclude him.

MegaLegs · 23/03/2007 20:03

But it will distress him if he is there.

Rhubarb · 23/03/2007 20:03

Even if it was to his detriment Sherlock?

Put aside of feelings of should and just concentrate of what is best for him.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:03

Yes, your post wasn't there when I posted Greeny I was composing a response. Very interesting to see you've come down on the "unreasonable" side. Obviously my experience of my cousin is pretty much limited to having seen him on difficult social occasions whereas you grew up with your brother.

I don't want to sound critical but I know that's how this is going to sound - it's mot meant to, I'm really only curious, honest! Why do you think he should be put through the stress of the wedding for what seems to be the sake of appearnances? The OP isn't excluding the boy from her life, just from what could be a nightmareishly stressful day for the boy from which I guess he'll gain nothing at all.

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