Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
glassslipper · 23/03/2007 20:43

this sounds like a very difficult situation. If the boy will be unable to cope with the event then he should not go. imho.

I gather from the OP this isnt about 'appearances'. She has fully accepted SS as part of her life. Her DF made a decision at the outset and they have planned a wedding based on that decision. It may be too late/very expensive/very difficult to change plans now and bear in mind as well as SSs welfare they also have 200 friends and family to consider as well.

I would suggest that on the weekend before the wedding (when OPs DF has visitation) that they arrange a small 'ceremony' with just the OP, DF and SS. They could arrange for a photographer to take a portrait of the 3 of them (all dressed up if they like) at their home which is an environment which will be familiar to him(if the SS will allow that). This way the SS is being included in the occasion but not the event.

Chandra · 23/03/2007 20:47

I really don't know what to say about this... but I think that leaving the decission to the father of the child is the better option. Who knows, perhaps the mother decides that the event is too stressful and decides not to go. And if she decides to send him, I'm sure she will plan ahead for the benefit of her son. I think most mothers wouldn't dream of using a child to disturb other people, more so if the poor kid is going to have a bad time. You know, we mothers of children who have certain problems that could potentially put them in danger are very very careful and sometimes precise in keeping them safe. (it is my guess that applies from autism to severe allergies, both present in my family)

kimi · 23/03/2007 20:49

MD I can see that what ever you do you wll be upsetting someone, and I guess what I am about to say will upset a lot of people but here goes.....

Your wedding is about you and your DF, yes his son is a massive part of his life and always will be but if the little boy is going to find the whole thing too much and distressing and your DF could end up spending most of his wedding day trying to comfort a very distressed child it is going to be a day to remember for all the wrong reasons.
As the little boy will have no idea what is going on I don't think he will be upset at missing out, also if it is not a visiting weekend then he will not be missing out on time with his daddy.
It is unreasonable of the birth mom to want your DF to pick him up and take him home on his own wedding day.

I hope you and you DF have a wonderful day and a happy life together, good luck.

Blossomhill · 23/03/2007 22:11

kimi ~ how do you know the ds will not know what's going on?

Please can we see the child before the label. All I have seen is his "autistic" son, "autistic" children.
You are labelling the child with the disability. They are people you know.
Autism is also a huge spectrum and children are affected in different degrees.

kimi · 23/03/2007 22:18

BH from reading what the OP has said it does seem that the little boy has very little understanding of what a wedding is, and the last thing that the OP and her partner want to do is upset and distress the child.

If it were me I would do something special the weekend before with him, something small that he could cope with, and not have him at the wedding.

Gess · 23/03/2007 22:21

My son is severely autistic (non verbal) with challenging behaviours. He attends family events with the proviso that there is someone (or a group of people taking turns) to look after him 1:1. If my dh and I were to split I would find it very odd if he wanted to exclude him from his own wedding ceremony. On the other hand I would know that he couldn't sit nicely during a ceremony, so I would make arrangements for him to attend the reception with sufficiently tuned in help to deal with him.

Even if he doesn't do the conventional all day thing, I really think a child should be present at a parent's wedding in some form and play some role. I would expect a parent to want that as well tbh. I would feel huge sadness if my son had to miss an important family event- even if attending it meant walking around outside a lot. Much better than not being there.

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 22:25

if you take that the view that attending a wedding of a parent is wrong for ds then it would be possibly the start of going down a track where his world becomes more and more circumscribed on the grounds it is in his interests

that just can't be right imo

Gess · 23/03/2007 22:25

A severely autistic child does not need to be kept in a box. Forcing them to be conventional- sit nicely and not make a sound during a wedding ceremony will stress them out, but most are quite capable of attending a new place, even one with lots of people providing they can do it on their own turns (go outside a lot, run around the car park, go up and down the hotel lifts, look trhough keyholes whatever it takes). The only problem is finding someone to tkae care of them 1:1 who understands the level of supervision required- if you have a reliable extra person to deal with the child and do what they want to there is no problem. I wouldn't recommend the groom to play that role, nor would I try and take a severely autistic child into the actual ceremony, but there is no reason why they can't be at the wedding.

Gess · 23/03/2007 22:28

Yes I agree zippi- a severely autistic child's world is very narrow anyway- they HAVE to be able to attend family events. Even if it means that they spend a lot of it doing their own thing with their designated 1;1.

Last family event ds1 attended was ds2's birthday party. Myself, my mum and dh took turns to look after him (so did MIL but she lost him within 2 miniutes- you really do need someone tuned in). The party was in a church hall with a magician, he spent a lot of time out of the room, a lot of time outside the hall, and 2 seconds switching the magicians music off. He didn't sit down at all, ran up and down the hall instead. But he attended, and I would have been miserable if he'd been the only member of the family missing. It's not right.

morningpaper · 23/03/2007 22:31

I think a wedding is about making a new family, and celebrating that.

Your friends need to see that you are celebrating making a new family with your DF - and that includes his son.

Family's aren't perfect - weddings shouldn't be either!

tibni · 23/03/2007 22:34

never posted on MN before! I have an ASD son and my sister got married a year ago 300 miles away from where I live. My daughter was bridesmaid. My sister really wanted the whole family there but we knew our 5 yr old son just wouldn't have coped. I am proud of both my children and have become immune to the stares we get when we are out. We do go on holidays but we know what our son can cope with. Think about the child then make your decision based on them, it is so easy for people to judge! We didn't exclude our son for our comfort but for his.

Gess · 23/03/2007 22:35

I agree wiuth those who said that it needs to be your DF's decision as well, but I'd really try and consider him coming with someone who will look after him, take him in and out as suitable.

Is it in a hotel- if so can you book a room for him to retreat to - even if he goes backwards and forwards between the room and the event all day.

Greenshoots · 23/03/2007 22:37

Hallelujah morningpaper - that was what I was trying to say earlier. Exactly.

issyissyissy · 23/03/2007 22:39

For what its worth, my dad got remarried when I was 12 and my brother 10. We were not invited as it was felt we might be upset. Instead my dad organised another party a week later to celebrate. I am now 38 and do not regret or feel upset at not being there.
Also if everyone is going t obe feeling anxious about whether this lad will be okay, he will certainly pick up on that and then not be,IYSWIM. Can you arrange something for the eek after when you have him to stay?

Chandra · 23/03/2007 22:39

Morningpaper, you have put in beautiful words what my education prevented me from saying.

Gess · 23/03/2007 22:41

OK read it properly now- I assume you're close by? He'll only go in one car with DF? In which case I would have the ceremony, have the photos, then in the inbetweeny bit either pop over and get him (or ask his mother to bring him this one), have him there in the milling around bit for an hour. Take a few photos then send/take him home. ideally his mother would agree to drop him, clear off for an hour and pick him up afterwards.

issyissyissy · 23/03/2007 22:41

That should be week not eek!
On the other hand you could just go with the flow and invite him. We had 17 kids under 4 at our wedding and it was fantastic.

Gess · 23/03/2007 22:43

tibni- I can understand that if you're 300 miles away (ds1 didn''t go to a christening for example, dh went by himself), but somehow I think if it's the boys father and its close by he sort of needs to be there in some form even if its a fleeting visit, and even if he couldn't manage the ceremony (which I would assume he couldn't if severely autistic).

tibni · 23/03/2007 22:57

Gess - we did take both our children to a wedding reception after my cousin got married abroad and had a party when she got back. It was very err interesting! Sat to table with loads of bribes / comforters at hand, son who is essentially non verbal said "dinner" very loudly LOL First speech OK until the applause, loud "bye bye" from my son and he spent the rest of the event alternating between sitting in our car or playing in a local park in the dark! I just think its a difficult judgement call. Those of us who know ASD understand the overwhelming level of distress an ASD child can experience. There is no easy answer!

JOSIE3 · 23/03/2007 23:35

Wow. This is a tough situation to be. I'm prepared to be shot down - but lets also consider it's your wedding day. You only get one, and it sounds as though the stress of it will be increased tenfold should your ss attend. I've read the whole thread - and there hasn't been a single mention of a positive experience for your SS - you wouldn't put someone who is immobile at the bottom of 20 steps and expect them to climb up - so why put someone who can't cope with breaks in routine, crowds, and noise in a huge wedding? It's selfish! It appears that the only reason you and your DF are considering his attendance is to placate family members. If you and your DF don't think he can cope- don't bring him. It's not exclusion for discrimanatory purposes - it's for his happiness, trust and well-being

mishw · 24/03/2007 00:17

I agree with Josie3, it doesn't sound like you are trying to exclude him from your life and the only posts I've read in favour of him attending are down to the fact that he should be there not shut away - all well and good for a child who wouldn't find the situation terribly confusing and possibly frightening.

The OP already stated that there was no-one to care 1:1 for the son except for the father - this isn't going to be possible seeing as the father is also the groom and he may be a little busy (yes I know he is the child's father and he has to make time for him, but lets get real here it's a wedding not a birthday party when you can duck out anythime you want), MIL can't cope with him and understandably mum won't be going.

The welfare of the child HAS to come first, above what the parents and grandparents want, if he is unable to verbalise or understand what is being asked of him then the adults have to make the decision for him, but based on what is best for him - not them. Don't let anyone guilt you into making a decision either way.

Good luck with everything, I hope you have a really great day and enjoy the rest of your lives together.

steinermum · 24/03/2007 00:29

My gut feeling is that your stepson should be there and the task for you two is to arrange who will be by his side throughout the day, taking care of him. In your minds he should be the 'guest of honour' so that all your plans bear him in mind.

Pixel · 24/03/2007 00:43

I can understand how the thought of having a severely autistic child at your wedding can be daunting because I had to turn my sister down when she asked me to be her maid of honour as I was worried about how ds would react. I knew that I would be on edge the whole time because if he saw me at the front of the church he would want to be with me and luckily my sister understood. I also expected to spend much of the reception outside as ds hates crowds, loud noises, flashing lights etc. He covers his ears and runs away if people try and sing happy birthday! This is the thing though - he totally surprised us all on the day. He didn't spoil the ceremony, he posed for some of the photos (ok, I've got him in an armlock in all of them but hey, he was on his feet which was unusual), he sat through some of the speeches (I took him out 'to the toilet' when he started getting unruly) and he even ate some food he never would have had normally. During the disco he ran about happily on the dance floor when I'd fully expected to have taken him home by that stage and then he fell asleep on a sofa by the bar. It meant the world to me that even though there was no way he was going to be a real part of the wedding my sister included him in her speech and thanked him for being her 'pageboy'. The photographer even spent some time following him around and got some lovely natural photos of him in his wedding finery. Everyone in the family was so proud of him and we all have wonderful memories of a special family day. Btw, my sister had a very posh wedding also!

I would say that unless you are 100% certain that your ss will be terribly distressed you should give him a chance to be a part of the day. He might just surprise you and if so it will make the day even more special for his dad. If he can't cope then he can be taken home and no-one will need to feel guilty.

welliemum · 24/03/2007 03:13

Is there any way you can have a practice run? I mean, could you take him to the venue and let him have a look around and see how he reacts to it? Maybe that might suggest something to you, eg a room or corner that he likes where he could spend a while on the day.

Don't knwo if that's practical at all.

zippitippitoes · 24/03/2007 07:00

interesting post Pixel

I think you have said what I was thinking but from real expereince of a simlar event

if you don't take a risk then he doesn't have the chance to have these expereinces and with that mind set he will do nothing

the op mentions in passing that dss never goes on holiday with either of his parents and I think that is sad too as he is taken to places during respite care

unfamiliar situations will always be unfamiliar but he may surprise you given the chance and the alternative is quite bleak

Swipe left for the next trending thread