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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 30/03/2007 20:01

I hadn't seen the 5 year baby point. That's unreasonable. For a lot of women waiting 5 years means they are unlkely to have children. Relationships can break down in 5 years and sometimes depending on your age 5 years makes it much harder although if you're only say 20 then it wouldnt' matter

mishw · 30/04/2007 17:00

MD What happened (sorry if this post went onto somewhere else and you've already amswered) was just thinking about you today.

paulaplumpbottom · 30/04/2007 17:03

5 years is too long

kimi · 01/05/2007 13:39

I was just looking for this to ask what happened with the wedding MD please just let us know how it went.

newgirl · 01/05/2007 14:05

did i miss the bit where mil offered to help?

if she keen for grandson to come, then why cant she help out, even if he attends for one hour only?

no matter what happens, i guess most children would go home for the evening part so this can be your time to not worry about tiara etc

id would do everything poss to make sure your ss is there - consider it your gift to your fiance - this is more important than first dances/cakes, 180 guests etc

gess · 01/05/2007 14:12

Hopefully she's on honeymoon. I missed the previuos update- pity that school couldn't help. I think I would hae just decided to leave it to everyone else to sort out as well tbh. I would have relied on the boys mum realising at the final minute that it would not be safe for him too turn up without proper supiervision so pulling out at the last minute. He sounds like my son and I really don't know anyone who woould just send a child like mine somewhere without supervision,

purpleduck · 01/05/2007 14:37

MIL does not have the right to flip out unless she will take full responsibility. My nephew is severly autistic, and my sister wouldn't even consider taking him to a wedding - he couldn't handle it. I'm sure you are not saying he's not welcome, just that you know him, and know he would not have a good day, and neither would your friend. Its really your friend's call unless you are not inviting any children...?

gess · 01/05/2007 14:43

fiancee- not friend!

purpleduck · 01/05/2007 16:29

sorry!! Obviously did not read enough of the thread! And i take it BM is not bowel movement...

Stigaloid · 01/05/2007 16:33

It's your wedding and your choice. If your DF agrees that the environment would not be suitable then he knows his son and people should respect your wishes. this is YOUR day - you have a right to wish it to go as smoothly as possible and if that means ommitting DF's son because it would cause him distress then that is entirely your decision.

purpleduck · 01/05/2007 17:14

Whew! Read thread

  1. why on earth are people even considering him going to the wedding if his step sisters aren't even allowed to visit?
  2. And if future children will have to leave when he visits . Sorry, probably going to be very unpopular here, but it sounds like ss's mother and yes, his father have been walking on eggshells around him to have a more peaceful life. If he can't handle his step sisters visiting, then isn't a family wedding a bit like throwing him in the deep end? Sorry, but I think your fiance needs to sort himself out. The whole world cannot revolve around one special needs child, and I don't think he and your ss's mother are doing ss any favours by manufacturing his environment to such a degree. Yes he is important,and yes autistic children should be a part of the community, but ss's mother and df haven't prepared him for this sort of thing.
Original poster
MajorDilemma · 10/03/2008 11:58

Hi,

I'm sorry to bump this thread from out of nowhere, but so many people were very kind and helpful to me nearly a year ago that I wanted to update and thank you all now I'm finally back online again. I do hope some of the posters are still around.

The wedding of my dreams didn't happen in the end and I was very very bitter about it for a long time. We, well I really, decided to cancel it as the whole dilemma bought up some really big issues for me that I think I had been ignoring for a long while. Particularly the issue of having children with my now ex-partner. I really really pushed him in the days leading up to the wedding and he finally conceded that given the choice he did not want to have children with me, or with anyone in fact because of the way his life has become with his son. That for me was the real dealbreaker.

I had a very turbulent few months moving out and finding my own place and my feet. My ex still asks me to come back and says he will have children with me.....but it feels like he has to rather than wants to. .

I'm just trying to get on with my career and hope that I'll meet someone soon who I love as much as my ex. He is a good man and just wants to do right by everyone but I could no longer allow myself to be considered last all the time.

OP posts:
clumsymum · 10/03/2008 12:11

I've come to this late, and just can't read thru' it all, but just wanted to say that I had exactly the same problem when we were married, 15 years ago.

In my case mind you, dh agreed that his son wouldn't cope, that it was his day to commit to ME, and that his son (and his nt daughter) would not attend. We just said no children, his nieces and nephews didn't come, and it was undoubtedly the only sensible situation.

As his son lives with birth-mother anyway (and I assume ex-wife isn't coming?) I don't see why it is such an issue.

MegaMindy · 10/03/2008 12:15

MajorDilemmma - I vaguely remember this thread from a year ago. What a brave decision for you to make, and well done for carrying on your life. Good luck with your career, and I'm sure you will find someone to love and who wants children with you.

jasper · 10/03/2008 13:23

MD you are a brave and strong woman.
What a tale! Is there any possibility you will get back with your ex? Do you still love him?

welshdeb · 10/03/2008 16:15

I remember this thread. Well done for coming to such a brave decision.
I am sure you will find someone who deserves you.

morningpaper · 10/03/2008 16:21

I remember this thread too. Sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted. Good luck. xxx

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