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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ilovecoleslaw · 07/07/2017 09:06

I wouldn't be happy with it either. 8 hours is a long drive and hard to concentrate on. Too much risk of falling asleep at the wheel etc.
And personally I think it's too late for the DC's

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 09:13

Be thankful he didn't move and get a court to agree that you meet him halfway on your every other weekend 'off'. Twelve out of forty-eight hours driving Hmm

But I can see your point about safety and lateness.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:16

That's terrible, surely a court couldn't order that? He moved and knew the distance!

OP posts:
Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 09:18

Mine doesn't pay maintenance either and petrol costs are crippling me. Court doesn't care even though he moved. Apparently it's usual for parents to meet halfway. I strongly suspect it's because the court knows I ended the marriage.

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 09:21

There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago? Poor woman in an even worse scenario so just letting you know what can and does happen...

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:26

That's outrageous!

OP posts:
Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 09:28

Here it is:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2950080-how-can-court-rule-this-I-am-distraught?msgid=69633638

And they say the courts are biased towards women...

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:31

That's fucking insane. I simply wouldn't do it.

OP posts:
Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 09:34

They've been known to reverse residency for that. If he's an XH he'll have PR. I was thinking of getting my car totalled or a driving ban Grin

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 07/07/2017 09:38

1am?? How old are your DC? Really not in their best interests to be kept up that late, he's not putting them first in suggesting that. Tell him no, the DC will be knackered and grumpy and it's not necessary.

Fresh8008 · 07/07/2017 09:41

8 hours is a long drive and hard to concentrate on

They are already doing the 8 hour drive, not sure there is much difference between a Friday evening and a Saturday morning.

He could claim the roads are less congested late evening as opposed to morning, therefore it is an easier/faster trip? He could claim collecting them on a Friday enables him to have a full day with his family to do weekend activities without being tired from a drive. The children would probably sleep all some of the drive on Friday but probably can't when picked up in the morning.

Cant really see the argument against trying it that trumps a dad getting more time with his children. I wouldn't risk taking it to court in case the judge rules that you have to do half the drive...

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 09:43

The long drive is one thing. Getting to a house at 1 am is something else. They'll be exhausted.

Collaborate · 07/07/2017 09:44

You're right not to be happy about it. You must disengage it from the maintenance issue though.

The court, if he applies, would have reservations about the kids being kept up until 1.00am every 2 weeks. Not very child focused is he?

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 09:50

The solution is for him to finish work early on the Friday so he can get to the house earlier.

The danger is motorway traffic and congestion.

4 hours non stop driving is no good for anyone.

What is he arrives at 10pm? Motorways are very busy and he could be delayed.

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 09:54

Fridays are awful on the motorways. I'm on the M25 and M1 in the afternoons and there is always an accident, a breakdown, closures, so many near misses it's terrifying. The courts are fine with it.

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 10:02

I can't believe how exhausting that must be for the children. Even on the normal Saturday morning. 4 hr drive, stay overnight, leave the afternoon the next day for another 4 hr drive.

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 10:04

It's horrible and means I can't do anything with (autistic) DC at weekends because he's had a week of school, hours on motorway, another week of school so he's just craving quiet downtime.

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 10:05

And yes, worse for OP's DC. What age are they?

HipsterHunter · 07/07/2017 10:08

I think it is fine.

The kids can sleep in the car.

The roads will be quieter.

He gets better quality time with them on Saturday.

worridmum · 07/07/2017 10:09

The can and do rule such things there was a case a ran which one party decided to move 40 hours away to new Zealand and court ordered that the person who moved should fit the bill for access 4 times a year basically the school holidays and for some reason the client was under the islion that she didnt need to pay as he could simply move there too (he couldn't as new Zealand is not easy to emograte to unless you have a job already that a local couldnt do)

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 10:12

The kids can sleep in the car

Great...till 1 am. Then wake up, go to the house, and sleep again.

Recipe for exhaustion.

Maybe he should have thought of his children before moving 4 hrs away to be with his girlfriend.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 10:14

The dc are 6, 9 and 11

OP posts:
RoseVase2010 · 07/07/2017 10:16

Why don't you drive them 2 hours after school so that he picks them up around 5pm two hours away and they get to his around 7/8pm depending on traffic.

That seems a sensible compromise.

Petalbird · 07/07/2017 10:18

Is there no trains that could speed the journey up if he collected them sooner?

Fresh8008 · 07/07/2017 10:21

drive them 2 hours after school so that he picks them up around 5pm two hours away and they get to his around 7/8pm

That would make it easier for the children and could be what a court would rule.

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