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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:20

As for the pps commenting on the ex for moving away and 4 hour drives not being right for the kids and you wouldn't allow your kids to be woken up at 1 am etc. Family court would completely disagree with you. If OP does not show some willing to compromise court will impose it on her. The kids right to see their father trumps her wishes. They are safe and well when with him and that is all the court will care about.

A four hour drive is not ideal but I know of families who work in London and go home every weekend. Families travel up and down motorways all the time. Twice a month will not harm the children.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:22

Family court would completely disagree with you

Maybe the family court should think of the children?

If OP does not show some willing to compromise court will impose it on her

What about the NRP? Shouldn't he show some compromise?

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:23

Orlantina - if he only saw the kids during school holidays then surely that would detrimentally affect the kids? Maybe they should be asked what they want, especially since the DD has already threatened suicide.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:24

The kids right to see their father trumps her wishes. They are safe and well when with him and that is all the court will care about

But that does sound about right for this country. Have a child, move away, pay fuck all for their upkeeping and expect the mum to do whatever the father would like.....

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:26

Orlantina - Family Court do think of the children. Frankly they will see the op as being petty about the time he picks them up.

I agree maybe the could compromise by him picking the kids up at 7 pm, if his work would allow him to change hours. That would be them both compromising.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:26

if he only saw the kids during school holidays then surely that would detrimentally affect the kids

Holidays come up a lot.

Maybe they should be asked what they want

Maybe they don't understand the risks of tired driving?

I notice you haven't even considered the option of the father working different hours on every other Friday so he can get to school earlier?

I bet the father hasn't even considered that.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:28

Orlantina - you're making lots of assumptions there. I have pointed this out a million times so excuse the capital letters but he DOES pay.

We know nothing of the facts here. Op could have broken the family up and he has had to pick himself up and start again. We just don't know. The point is they are where they are and they both have to make this work.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 09:29

Some posters never cease to amaze me with the excuses they make for lousy fathers. Misogyny can be so entrenched they have no insight into it.

Yanbu OP

Stick to your guns. It's all about his need for control and he's not acting in their best interests. As others have said this is exactly what parental rights re flexible working is for.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 09:30

Family court will put the dc's right to have a relationship with their dad above any of op's concerns expressed here.

By going on Friday evening they get a full Saturday to go to the zoo or whatever.

It is not ideal but if he loves his new dp I guess he's taking that chance at happiness and hoping that he can make contact work. He has, so far, accepted that he needs to do all the driving since he's the one that moved.

As the dc get older they may well prefer to see him only in the holidays anyway.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:31

Orlantina - i think you'll find that I have suggested different hours several times on this thread. Compromise involves both of them.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:33

Will - pps like you constantly amaze me with your 'lousy fathers' statements when you haven't a clue whether he is or not. This is why women face such hardship through family court and people assume they are being obstructive.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:34

The point is they are where they are and they both have to make this work

Yes, it's interesting that the overwhelming amount of people on here think that moving 4 hours away, leaving work at 5pm, arrving at 9pm (assuming that the traffic is fine on the motorway on a Friday evening), waking up 3 children (who will be in bed after a long week at school) and driving them 4 hours back is probably not a good idea but the family courts think it's ok.

I wonder what that says about the family courts?

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 08/07/2017 09:35

@RainyApril

Yes it's four hour trip for the children but it's an 8 hour trip for the person driving, on top of a full working day. If you add in potential delays for traffic it could be considerably more. Can you not see why that could be dangerous? How do you think you would cope with working 8-9 hours and then driving for a minimum of 8 hours straight afterwards?

There's a reason coach drivers, HGVs etc. have rules about how many hours they can drive in a day with a minimum amount of breaks.

superfluffyanimal · 08/07/2017 09:36

I think if he wants Friday night he she ask his work for a short day and collect them earlier. 1am is awful time plus you can guarantee there will be occasions where the 4 hour drive is 6 due to an accident.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:36

By going on Friday evening they get a full Saturday to go to the zoo or whatever

So if he gets there at 10.30pm - would that be ok?

Friday night, motorways, 4 hr drive?
Children fast asleep in bed.
Only to be woken up and put in the car for a 4 hr drive?

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:37

Orlantina - I would hope that Family court are a bit more objective than some of the women on here. I believe that's their job.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 09:38

He may have been a shit dad who walked out on his kids, lied about income to pay paltry cm, moved four hours away on a whim, want the extra night to further reduce cm and just generally be a nasty manipulative person.

Or he may have been a loving dad who pays as much cm as he should after being devastated by the end of his marriage, and has now found someone he sees a future with after seeing his ex move on with a new dh/baby.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but I cannot understand for the life of me why op is sticking to her guns about Saturday morning being preferable to Friday evening.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:39

bakewell

So you think it's ok for someone to

a) Work a full day at work
b) Leave work at 5.30 for a 4 hr drive on the motorway on a Friday night that could be 6 hrs given traffic
c) Wake up 3 children in a house with a baby at maybe 10.30pm
d) Put the children in the car and then do the return 4 hr drive back?

I am sure there are better alternatives when a parent moves across the country.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:40

but I cannot understand for the life of me why op is sticking to her guns about Saturday morning

It's been pointed out to you.

Can't you see the danger and the effect on the children?

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 08/07/2017 09:40

Whoah - thread had moved on quite a bit when I posted that Blush Must remember to refresh before posting ...

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:40

The fact is that the drive will not come into it at all in court. Believe me I know.

You can come up with a million reasons why they shouldn't undergo a four hour drive but it's not going to wash in court.

I'm just trying to persuade the op that it would be much better for them to come to a compromise now before it gets to court and she loses all control over the situation.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:41

The fact is that the drive will not come into it at all in court

I find that very surprising.

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 09:42

People saying he should reduce his hours are being disingenuous. He doesn't sound like a high earner, and there aren't many employers who would allow it.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:43

Orlantina - as I have already stated, I know of families who travel from London - Wales/Yorkshire and beyond every week.

A four hour journey there and back twice a month whilst they sleep is not going to be seen as child cruelty.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:46

I agree Rainy, he can't really win. If he has to reduce his hours rather than work flexibly then he will lose money and therefore child support will go down.