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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 17:45

Bakewell

Don't be so ridiculous. There's no hate in my posts and I find it really odd anyone could come to that conclusion Confused. I do call a spade a spade however and don't lower my expectations of parents simply because they have a penis.

You are strangely over invested and I'm clearly not the only one who thinks so.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 17:51

Avoiding

Brilliant post! nail on head lol

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/07/2017 18:36

Personally I don't believe it is in the children's best interests to spend time with a 'parent' (and I use that term loosely) who doesn't prioritise them. Children deserve to have parents who love them above all else and who don't select the nice bits while ignoring the bits they don't fancy.
Watching their mum jump through hoops to ensure they see a dad who doesn't put them first when making life choices and who decides to not turn up on contact day because he is pissed off at their mum, just gives those children the message that they are not important to him. That does untold damage to their self esteem because over the years he will just let them down repeatedly. I dread to think what information those kids are absorbing from him that they will carry into thrir own future relationships. If he isn't going to be a proper 100% committed dad then they are better off without him imo.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 18:50

Will - seeing as I haven't posted all afternoon I don't see how I am over invested. Are you projecting now?

I'm sure you are all doing the op the world of good with your hate speech. Yes that's exactly what it is, hate filled bile.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 18:55

Because it is not about the parents, it is about giving the the children as much opportunity to spend time with both parents as possible.

Well one of the parents is fulfilling her obligation to spend as much time with her children as possible. The other parent has chosen not to, he has arranged his life in a way that makes it difficult to meet his obligations to care for his children. And yet, it's seems the one already doing her part and his part is expected to give even more, and not only that, her partner, who is already raising this man's children in his absence, is expected to give of his time and money too. All because we can't possibly expect this man to bear the cost of his own decisions. That would be just unthinkable.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 18:58

Because it is not about the parents

Actually it is about the parents when you are expecting one to give so much above what they are already doing and not expecting the one who actually caused the situation to match her contribution to these children.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 19:04

And it's clearly not about the kids for him when he drove home last night instead of staying to collect them this morning. Sounds like it was more about OP for him.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 19:04

Bakewell

You're laughable. I don't have the energy to engage with such obvious MRAs. Try harder next time and I may play Grin

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 19:06

Name calling is all you can do really isn't it Will. Make my day and don't engage.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 19:08

Watching their mum jump through hoops to ensure they see a dad who doesn't put them first when making life choices

That's it.

Life choice. Yes, people separate. It happens. But then you have a choice.

Moving a long way away from your kids has a MASSIVE impact. On your ex and your kids.

How could anyone do that?

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 19:12

Agreed Avoiding

Facilitating contact at all costs when one party is clearly not prioritising the children teaches them a really poor message about how men are allowed to treat women and it perpetuates misogyny.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 19:13

Can I just make something clear. No one has told the op she HAS to do anything. Everyone has said it's a shitty situation for her. Everyone has agreed we wouldn't have moved 4 hours away.

What some of us have tried to do is explain how Family Court will view this and have given suggestions to not make things worse for herself.

Apparently, that is viewed as being an MRA, laughable, over invested and everything else you want to throw at me for not complying with your views. Oh well.

caffeinestream · 08/07/2017 19:14

He clearly doesn't care too much about his kids if he was willing to drive off the next morning without seeing them. If he cared that much, he'd have seen them regardless!

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 19:15

What some of us have tried to do is explain how Family Court will view this and have given suggestions to not make things worse for hersel

I think the comment upthread about the family court just shows how fucked up it is.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 19:18

Orlantina - it's all we've got whether it's fucked up or not. So wouldn't it be better for op to come to an amicable compromise with her ex, that she has some control over rather than be at the mercy of the court?

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 19:20

So wouldn't it be better for op to come to an amicable compromise with her ex

Or her ex come to a sensible compromise with her.....?

The reality is that moving so far away will fuck up his relationship with his kids. Teenage kids aren't going to want to do that drive and they don't have to.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 19:22

I have more faith in the family court than others seem to. I know there are always unfortunate cases that are clearly unjust but from both professional and personal experience I've not found them lacking as yet.

OP I would call his bluff and let him go to court. I strongly suspect he won't see it through like many others and even if he does I think it will go against him.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 19:23

Of course they both need to compromise.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/07/2017 19:29

In the end he will lose. Even of the OP has to bend over backwards now, children aren't stupid. They will get older and see that dad is selfish and crap. They will probably always love him because kids do, but they won't have the amazing, close relationship that kids have with parents who are there, putting the time and love into the relationship.
His loss OP.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 19:38

Sadly also the kids' loss too. I'm going through this at the moment with my DC. It's very painful to watch them go through the realisation that dad doesn't actually care. We don't even have the excuse of distance. He lives 5 minutes away.

Lottie991 · 08/07/2017 19:49

Can he not collect them earlier on a Friday?

InfiniteSheldon · 08/07/2017 19:50

YHave been vvvu shame on you, your poor dc you could have let them go then agreed a compromise for next time.

Lottie991 · 08/07/2017 19:54

It's probably a lot easier on the children traveling in the evening than in the daytime as he will miss alot of the traffic, Can't he just collect them at 6?

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2017 19:56

Yes shame on the op for trying to keep her kids safe Hmm

Or you know the father could have not thrown a childish tantrum and just stayed overnight in his flat and got them the next morning.

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 20:01

you could have let them go then agreed a compromise for next time.

So give him what he wants when he wants it and that will make him amenable to compromise next fortnight? Hardly, it will just send him the message that if he stamps his feet and throws his weight around, harasses OPs partner and parents then it works and he gets his way. So he'll keep doing it. Bollocks to that. She was absolutely right. He told her the new schedule, he didn't ask for a compromise. Why the hell should OP have compromised with him when he didn't have the decency to to it in the first place?

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