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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 22:28

Thanks all. He didn't turn up at the house. He waited round the corner and called DH after I wouldn't answer the phone.

Spent ages on the phone saying how unreasonable I was being. He then said he was going home and that if he took me to court I would have to do half the drive....

OP posts:
MeanAger · 07/07/2017 22:32

You shouldn't have engaged with him at all. What a creep hiding round the corner and calling your DH. Why did your DH even answer?

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 22:38

What on earth do I say to the dc now? Sad

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 07/07/2017 22:40

I'd make him take me to court. Tell him that while you are there, you can get the child support issue sorted!
Is someone too tight to pay for his kids likely to fork out for legal fees?

AvoidingCallenetics · 07/07/2017 22:42

Tell the dc that daddy will collect them at 8.30 as per usual. If he says anything to them (which would be twatish because he shouldn't criticise you to them), just say that it is too late to drive on a friday. Leave it at that!

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 22:46

But they are expecting him to collect them tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 07/07/2017 22:47

DId he say he wouldn't be coming for them in the morning?

RoseVase2010 · 07/07/2017 22:50

Why can't your new partner look after the baby every other afternoon so you can drive the children half way there? They can have supper at the services and then on with your ex.

I think you have to have some perspective here, the fact is that no matter how inconvenient it is, he has moved some distance away and short of forcing him to move back you just have to work round it. If your children want to see their father you and him need to work together to ensure that happens without resorting to in fighting.

bakewelltarty · 07/07/2017 22:50

I think it was quite considerate that he parked around the corner and then spoke to your DH when you refused to answer the phone.

I can imagine the outrage on here if he had knocked on your door, with you all alone with a baby.

I also don't understand why some on here have branded him a bad father and a 'dick'. All I can see is a father who wants to see his kids. A long drive at 9 pm at night is much more preferable to the alternative.

As you are no longer together he is allowed to move wherever he wishes. He seems to be trying to be a good father no matter what you feel about him.

You are doing the kids a disservice by not working with him. Whatever your history they are the most important people in all this. It's not a game of who can win the battle of wills. Work with him for their benefit.

AvoidingCallenetics · 07/07/2017 22:50

If he doesn't turn up tomorrow then he is going to look a right dick if he goes to court and you state that he doesn't collect the dc at pre arranged times and leaves you to explain that to the children.

RoseVase2010 · 07/07/2017 22:51

*every other Friday afternoon

AvoidingCallenetics · 07/07/2017 22:52

He is a bad father and a dick because he owes the OP child support and he has prioritised moving in with his gf over seeing his children!

bakewelltarty · 07/07/2017 22:56

So, he is not allowed to move on then???? Op has, she is married with another baby. What would happen if she had needed to move? I doubt very much that she would have insisted on staying put so they ex could have easier access to his kids.

As for Child Support, he pays £240 every four weeks. Maybe he doesn't earn enough to pay more. Who knows, we certainly don't know the facts.

Life changes and moves on. It's up to both of them to act like adults to sort this out for the kids.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 22:56

They can have supper at the services and then on with your ex.

Oh yes those free services meals. Hmm Especially when the guy is already screwing OP over maintenance. I'm sure OP will be more than happy to fork out for services food to accommodate her exp.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 22:57

you just have to work round it

No. OP doesn't. He does. He moved.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 22:58

All I can see is a father who wants to see his kids.

Yes he wants to see them so much he moved four hours away and reduced his time with them from 3 nights a week to 1 night a fortnight. 8 hours of which is spent in a car.

bakewelltarty · 07/07/2017 22:59

Meananger

It's up to BOTH of them to work together. Family court would expect that. If she went in with your attitude she would be in for a shock.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 23:06

I certainly would not move my children away from their father.

He decided to move knowing how far it was. I would not move away from my dc and cut my time by over half, but of course this was his choice and who am I to suggest he should have put his dc first?

I have a breastfed baby and share a car with DH. I am not confident driving on the motorway at the best of times. I am not leaving my baby for 5 hours at a time (with DH, without a car) and paying money I CANNOT afford on fuel in order to make my ex's life easier.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 07/07/2017 23:07

I'd be more inclined to advise she puts herself to a bit if this guy was doing all he could to lessen the impact of his move on his DC and OP. But he isn't so....

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 23:07

Puts herself out a bit

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 23:07

I have worked with him, we have an arrangement that he has decided to change to suit himself. I have said that the changes he wants to make are unacceptable and dangerous.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 07/07/2017 23:09

His move resulted in OP suddenly doing pretty much ALL the child rearing. She had no choice in that. He chose that for her. I think she is doing enough.

bakewelltarty · 07/07/2017 23:09

Meananger - what would you suggest he does then to lesson the impact?

Op - can you just give it a go and see how the children cope with it. If they are happy then you can relax. If not then you have your reason to refuse.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 23:10

If he was doing everything he could then yes I probably would be prepared to help out more. But he's not.

DD has been so upset she's threatened suicide. She's been referred to cahms... I told him how she was feeling and what she did been saying and he didn't even reply.

I asked him to help towards some new school shoes for DS as they'd worn through. He accused me of 'begging'.

This is

OP posts:
bakewelltarty · 07/07/2017 23:11

Op I've just seen your last post so disregard my last comment.

Oh well, good luck then. I wish you well.

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