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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
NoFucksImAQueen · 07/07/2017 19:11

So I guess what I'm saying is that yes you and most of the other people on this thread are BU
I'd much rather be asleep for a long journey

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 19:17

He's said he's going to turn up tonight anyway. He says if they won't go with him then he will just leave and go all the way back alone.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 07/07/2017 19:18

It's fine saying you want him to pick him up from school but 1: he can't and 2: the traffic would be awful.

He can, he'll just need to start working part-time or doing flexible working. The way women often have to do.

Why is it the DC who have to make all the compromises? This is a ridiculous plan.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 19:19

but 1: he can't

You don't know that. You just know that he won't. He could try to finish work early, rearrange his work pattern, ask for EOfriday off, arrange someone else to collect them from school. OP manages to collect her children from school every Friday or have someone else do it. If he moves 4 hours away then it is his responsibility to meet his obligations WRT child contact. Not pass it on to OP to sort out.

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 19:22

I wonder if it even occured to him that he could change his working hours to work around his kids.

AvoidingCallenetics · 07/07/2017 19:22

I'd say no. I would worry about him having an accident with my kids in the car if he has been working all day, then driving late at night. I also don't think this is good for the kids. They should be in bed, not in a car at that time. Why should they have to put up with this just because he is a dick?

I never understand why posters separate access issues from CS though. Parenting does not mean cherry picking the bits you want and ignoring the rest. If my dc's dad didn't care about them enough to pay CS, then he wouldn't be seeing them. Children deserve fully committed parents, not some half arsed effort.

coconutpie · 07/07/2017 19:23

Well let him turn up then but just do not hand the DC over. It is not acceptable for him to expect to make his DC travel at that hour of the night regularly. Make sure they are getting ready for bed when he shows up so don't even answer the door when he arrives.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 19:23

He's said he's going to turn up tonight anyway. He says if they won't go with him then he will just leave and go all the way back alone.

Go out of the house! Don't be there for him to emotionally manipulate your children! Don't teach them that he is allowed to do that to them. Take them all out. Ignore all calls and texts from him. Just make sure they are ready at 8am (or whatever time he normally collects them at) in the morning.

Text him right now and tell him that the children will be available for contact at 8am tomorrow morning. Don't tell him you are going out tonight and won't be there.

AyeAmarok · 07/07/2017 19:24

I wonder if it even occured to him that he could change his working hours to work around his kids.

Probably not, sounds like he expects everyone else to go out of their way and suffer the inconvenience so he can have things his way.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 19:24

In fact text him now saying "Dc will be available at 8am tomorrow" and then turn your phone off and go out. Leave it off until tomorrow morning.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 19:27

Well let him turn up then but just do not hand the DC over.

Don't do that! That's incredibly unfair to the DC! If you aren't going to go out then let them go with him if he turns up. But seriously, go out!! Send the message loud and clear that he doesn't call the shots.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 19:49

They have gone to stay at my parents. He's been calling me off the hook saying he's 10 minutes away and just wants to talk....

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 19:50

Dp's not home, I'm here on my own with the baby. Should I just ignore him?

OP posts:
MeanAger · 07/07/2017 19:53

Well done you!! Yes just ignore him. Don't even answer the phone. Turn your phone off. Can you go to your parents for a few hours?

khajiit13 · 07/07/2017 19:56

Wtf? Just turn your phone off. He sounds so controlling

caffeinestream · 07/07/2017 19:58

Lock the door, lights off, close curtains, ignore the phone.

Call the police if he gets angry and starts threatening.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 20:06

He's not here yet, I'm not sure if he's gone straight to my parents or maybe not even on his way at all?!

Honestly, am I being unreasonable here? I know he will try to convince me I am.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 07/07/2017 20:08

Did you tell him where the kids were?

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 20:08

Tell your parents to contact you If he turns up and not to open the door to him.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 20:58

So has he turned up?

BabsGanoush · 07/07/2017 21:40

Let him have the kids and see how long it lasts.....no-one likes driving with young children - they'll be tired and crouchy. I give it 3 weeks before he/new girlfriend get fed up and stop coming,

ForalltheSaints · 07/07/2017 21:50

YANBU

The suggestion of legal advice is one I think the OP should take up.

specialsubject · 07/07/2017 21:58

Eight hours driving is a risk to everyone else on the road. Stupid sod.

Hope you can get through to him somehow.

BertieBotts · 07/07/2017 22:22

You do not have a contact order which means that you are not obliged to make them available for contact at any time that he chooses.

Common decency dictates that you should of course make them available for contact, but not just according to his whims - on a schedule which is mutually agreeable is of course the best option.

AyeAmarok · 07/07/2017 22:26

He wants to talk, to you or the DC?

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