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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 07/07/2017 10:24

The kids can sleep in the car

Would you like to sleep upright for hours every fortnight? No? Then why should OP's kids have to?

Liiinoo · 07/07/2017 10:28

If agree with Rosevase.

PuppyMonkey · 07/07/2017 10:28

I have never ever slept in a car, not even when I was a little kid.

Ditto planes.

BertieBotts · 07/07/2017 10:29

Yes what about looking at trains. At the moment you could do part of the journey with them and then in a year or two they could travel alone as they'd know the route, assuming it's not too complicated.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 10:35

I have a 6 month old baby, there is no way I am driving a four hour round trip on a Friday night with a screaming baby in the car just because he decided to move 4 hours away. I am pretty much on the breadline and cannot afford the fuel. He pays £20 a week maintenance towards each child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 10:37

He can collect them at a normal time on Saturday morning.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/07/2017 10:37

It's not fair on the DC is there nowhere he can stay Friday night locally to collect them early Sat and drive back?

It would be better switching to him having them more in the school holidays even if it means him using holiday clubs where he lives if he can't take the time off work.

RandomMess · 07/07/2017 10:38

Go through CMS for maintenance if he's not paying what he should/can afford to keep it separate to contact.

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 10:51

CMS Grin Don't do that OP you'll get nothing, they're useless and you'll have to pay before they deign to fuck up constantly. Four month baby, that would be awful, I wouldn't be safe driving at all when mine were that little.

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 10:52

Oops, six, same thing. And not at all fair on the baby either.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 11:48

My baby is with DH. My other three dc are with my ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 11:49

My baby is with DH. My other three dc are with my ex.

OP posts:
MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 07/07/2017 12:28

I'd tell him that you are sticking with the current arrangement.

If he wants them overnight on Fridays then he'll need to finish work early or take a day off and pick them up when they get home from school. During school holidays he can have them to stay for longer periods of time.

Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 12:37

Yes, he them for long stretches during the holidays.

He's just sent me a message saying he'll be here at 8:30. He's not listening to a word I'm saying.

I would be happy for him to have them on a Friday if he could collect them from school. I'm not happy with this ridiculous driving through the night palava.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 07/07/2017 12:44

Just tell him no. Stick to the current arrangements. Do you have a friend you can have to sit with you and help if he turns up and gets aggressive?

Surely the youngest will be in bed by then, anyway?

HipsterHunter · 07/07/2017 12:45

Would you like to sleep upright for hours every fortnight? No? Then why should OP's kids have to?

I sleep super well in a car - love the vibration and white noise... :-)

Sprinklestar · 07/07/2017 12:45

Get a solicitor and make all this formal. Why are you allowing him to dictate to you? Did you get the chance to say, oh no, I'll only have the kids a night a fortnight from now on? Of course not. Tell him you'll go for 50/50 shared care unless he agrees with your terms. Pisses me off no end that men can walk away and just leave women literally holding the babies and then having to conform with stupid demands on top!

HipsterHunter · 07/07/2017 12:47

This does sound EXACTLY like the kind of thing a flexi-work request should be made for.

A 1/ day, every other fortnight. Hours to be made up in the week.

That would be ideal.

Categoric · 07/07/2017 12:47

Text him back that he can go to a hotel at 8.30pm tonight, collect the children at 8 am tomorrow and that if he turns up tonight at your house that you will be calling the police if he causes a disturbance. Repeat until he gets the message, the police will not make you hand the children over.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 12:53

Ugh! I will never understand parents who move so far from their Dc that means they have to do these ridiculous set ups in order to have a day of contact per fortnight. Bad enough they are only parenting 1 out of 14 days and the RP has to suck it up but making it as inconvenient as possible for everyone involved is just Unbelievably selfish.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 12:57

He's just sent me a message saying he'll be here at 8:30. He's not listening to a word I'm saying.

Take all the kids and go out of the house. Go somewhere else for the evening. Even better if you could stay with someone else. (Your parents/a friend)

Orlantina · 07/07/2017 12:58

A 1/ day, every other fortnight. Hours to be made up in the week

This. He could even work a half day on the Friday. EOW.

Has he even considered this?

yourerubberimglue · 07/07/2017 13:35

God I'd resent my dad for this. 8 hours driving every other weekend so he could shack up with his new wife?

Njordsgrrrl · 07/07/2017 13:54

Sorry OP I meant that it would be unfair for an active six month old to do the journey if you met halfway not that he / she would be going to contact.

I'd second not being there when he arrives. Cinema / meal out?

NoFucksImAQueen · 07/07/2017 19:09

But surely it's easier on the kids? This way they'll be asleep for one part of the journey rather than awake and bored in the car.
I know you're pissed off he's changing the arrangement but I think they'd prefer to wake up and be at their dads house not wake up and have to wait for him then be in the car for 4 hours. It's fine saying you want him to pick him up from school but 1: he can't and 2: the traffic would be awful. It would then be even longer in the car again while they are awake and bored.

When dh and I separated years ago we used to pick ds1 up at 7pm as it was his bedtime and he could just sleep the journey. It was nicer for him and traffic was better so easier for us

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