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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is ex re. motorway drive?

285 replies

Mellaa · 07/07/2017 09:03

Ex h recently moved to a town 4 hours away tonne with his girlfriend.

He used to have the dc for 3 nights a week and has now cut it to one night a fortnight.

He collects them first thing on a Saturday morning and brings them home on a Sunday evening.

He's now telling me from now on he will be collecting them on a Friday night at 9pm to drive them to his house, arriving at 1am...

I am not happy with this as he will have been working all day then doing an 8 hour round trip with my dc in the car on a regular basis.

He is very tight with maintenance, (he owes me a fair bit in unpaid) and I suspect his plan is more to do with having the dc an extra night so cutting his maintenance by a fair bit...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellaa · 07/07/2017 23:14

Thank you. Any advice on how to explain to my children that he won't be coming would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 07/07/2017 23:16

what would you suggest he does then to lesson the impact?

Oh I don't know, do like most other parents in the world have to do and plan their living arrangements and work around their DC, you know those lives they created and committed to caring for?

As he hasn't done that I suggest he tries to rejig his work schedule or have someone collect them from school for him on the Friday afternoons. This will likely cost him money but childcare and taxi runs generally do. That's the cost of his choice to move four hours away. Perhaps he could offer OP the fuel money to meet him halfway but as he can take even cough up the legal minimum amount to feed his children then I wouldn't be holding my breath for that one.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 23:18

Did he say he definitely wouldn't be coming?

If he doesn't turn up I would just tell them that you don't know why he hasn't come and that there was no reason he shouldn't be there. Don't make excuses for him.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 07/07/2017 23:18

All I can see is a father who wants to see his kids

Then you are blind. And worse.

Cat2014 · 07/07/2017 23:26

I think you should have talked to him about it face to face while he was here and the dc were out. It needs to be resolved amicably and in the children's best interests

KeyChange · 07/07/2017 23:45

I do sympathise because it's not your or the kids fault that he moved 4 hours away, yet you are having to put up with the fallout.

That said, if the choice is:
A. shitty long drive for the kids Saturday and Sunday. Or
B. shitty long drive Friday night and Sunday,

I would probably opt for B. Just means that they get one full day of no travel and time to chill with their dad.

On the issue of why he's doing this. Will maintenance really change that much for 2 nights a fortnight vs 1 night a fortnight? (It would seem ridiculous given that you'll need to give them an evening meal still as he'd collect at 9pm, so it's not like you need less support).

Hope you work it out and come to a fair resolution.

MeanAger · 07/07/2017 23:50

I agree that having one full day of not traveling is better than the current arrangement. But I would only agree to it on the condition that he or someone on his behalf collects them either from school on the Friday or from your house an hour later so they can get changed, have a snack and get their bags ready. No way would I be agreeing to him collecting them at 9pm.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 07/07/2017 23:50

A long drive at 9 pm at night is much more preferable to the alternative

The worry the OP has is the fact that her ex will have already worked a full day and is then proposing to drive an 8 hour round trip afterwards.

No fucking way would I consider that safe.

Can he drive down on Friday and book into a cheap Travelodge-type hotel where the children can join him overnight? That way he spends time with them on the Friday night and they can head off early morning.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 07:18

Mean - how do you know he is not paying the correct amount. Op says her pays £20 per week per child. That's £240 per month. Not loads no but maybe he is a low earner. Point is, we don't know the facts.

Will - you're a charmer aren't you. I'm not blind 'or worse' I have a different opinion to you. A man who drives a round trip of 16 hours every other weekend does actually want to see his kids, whatever you think.

Op - hopefully he stayed in a hotel last night and will pick the kids up today. If not then you will need to sort this out with him and come to a compromise. If his work could let him go earlier on a Friday that would be ideal. If you both dig your feet in only the kids will suffer. Your daughter s already suffering so you both need to work together. If you don't and he goes to court, I fear that you will lose out here to a bigger extent than you already are. Is the break up a factor here too? None of my business but sometimes ill feeling does spill over to child arrangements.

As for what to tell the kids if he doesn't turn up - tell them the truth - dad came to pick you up at 9 pm last night and I didn't think it would be safe. I wouldn't lie and say you don't know why, that will only backfire on you when they find out that dad turned up.

Questioningeverything · 08/07/2017 07:25

Just a point on something you said @bakewell..
I had the chance to move closer to my family. I decided not to as it would affect my ds2s relationship with his paternal family. Some of us wouldn't dream of relocating because of the damage it would do to our children.
Op no way in hell would I have allowed that either. I think you did the right thing.

cheesypastatonight · 08/07/2017 07:41

If you did some of the drive you are not doing it for him, you'd be doing it for your kids...to make their lives easier. Don't make them suffer cos you are annoyed with their father.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 07:42

Question - I understand that there are many parents who wouldn't move away but I also know there are many parents who would. Work, new relationships, mothers seeking support from wider family etc etc. It happens a lot.

The point is they are where they are. Punishing each other will only punish the kids. They need to reach a compromise especially in light of the DDs mental health issues.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/07/2017 08:17

Bakewell, the OP's children don't cost less to feed all of a sudden, so there is no excuse to not pay cs. If he is on a low wage, then this payment should be his absolute priority, above all other expenditure. I doubt that he isn't spending on anything else. To say what he did to OP about the school shoes is disgusting, esp when he knows he isn't paying his share!

If he doesn't turn up, then I think you have to be truthful. He will put his spin on events next time he sees them anyway, so you have to give them the calm, sensible version first. Say that dad wanted to drive them in the middle of the night but that was too late and you don't know why he isn't there this morning.

AvoidingCallenetics · 08/07/2017 08:20

Bakewell, it is the mum who will be doing all the compromising though isn't it?
Personally, I don't consider it to be in a child's best interests to see a half arsed parent and wouldn't facilitate that.

I'd sign my car over to dh and tell the court I had no transport before I agreed to drive my dc to a service station on friday night to accommodate this tosser.

Original poster
Mellaa · 08/07/2017 08:59

Thanks all. I've explained to dc that he arrived very late at night after being told not to. I explained I told him they could go early in the morning and that he could have stayed in his flat here (he still has it, selling it but sale not gone through). I said that he decided not to and went home. God it's horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellaa · 08/07/2017 08:59

He called my parents and told them he was going home as 'sticking to his guns...'

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 08/07/2017 09:07

What a tosser.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:08

If not then you will need to sort this out with him and come to a compromise

Compromise is only possible if one person is prepared to compromise.

It's going to get worse as the children get older. Weekend clubs, homework on the weekend with tired children, meeting friends and not being available as they are 4 hours away.

op

I hope you're ok. I hope your ex reflects on the decision. 4 hours is a hell of a long drive for children - day or night. Doing it twice on the weekend?

Maybe he needs to look at the holiday periods instead - and having them for half of those. Much easier on the children.

caffeinestream · 08/07/2017 09:08

So basically, he's punishing his kids due to his own stupidity and stubbornness?

In what world does he think it's okay to keep a six year old up and out of the house until at least 1am every fortnight?!

He should have thought about how he'd see his kids before he moved four hours away to be with his girlfriend! He has nobody to blame for this but himself.

caffeinestream · 08/07/2017 09:09

I also don't understand why, if he still has property here, he's insisting on making them sit in the car for eight hours twice a month?

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 09:10

Looking at it from the dc's POV, surely going Friday evening is preferable?

A four hour trip in the evening, with quieter roads and the option of sleeping, sounds loads better than going on Saturday morning to me. That way they get one full weekend day with their dad, without any travelling.

I can't see how it's more dangerous to do the trip on Friday, it's the same distance/time in the car.

Will it really impact cm significantly?

RainyApril · 08/07/2017 09:11

But yes, an idiot to move so far away in the first place!

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:12

Looking at it from the dc's POV, surely going Friday evening is preferable

TBH - neither option is great. 4 hrs driving. Late at night, sleeping in a car - if possible, arriving at 1 - 2pm...

I am sure there are other alternatives that are better for the DCs.

bakewelltarty · 08/07/2017 09:13

Op - I feel for you but by telling them the truth you have done the right thing.

Callentics - he does pay, OP has already stated that. £20 per child per week. Not loads for 3 kids but we don't know his circumstances. Yes, what he said about shoes was terrible. However we are only getting one side of the story. I always think there is her side, his side and then the truth is somewhere in the middle.

As for compromising being all hers. I'm not sure I understand your position on this. Are you saying that rather than compromise she should just stop contact? That's a terrible thing to contemplate for the children. They have a right to see their Dad, whatever their mother thinks about him.

We are talking about two weekends a month. It's not a huge compromise. In the scheme of things it's a very small problem. It can be sorted out if the children are put first by both parents before this escalates out of control.

Orlantina · 08/07/2017 09:17

They have a right to see their Dad, whatever their mother thinks about him

They do. But the Dad should have thought long and hard about the effect of moving 4 hours away to live with his new girlfriend.

A Dad who has regular contact with his DCs but then moves 4 hours away seems to be putting his relationship with his new girlfriend above his relationship with his children.

He could do the school holidays instead. A good half of them each. That would be much better for the children.

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