DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

[Applesandpears55]

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

YABU. Your daughter was rude.

its very simple. You and your mother are adults. Your child was rude and was told so. There's no need to give it any more headspace.

Sorry YABU. She's little and obviously doesn't mean things badly but you need to tell her it's not polite or kind to talk about people.
My son recently called my mum fat. He didn't mean it maliciously but I had to tell him we don't talk about what people's bodies look like. People comes in different shapes and colours and sizes but they already know. They don't need anyone to tell them.
Asking about the little boy with a "black face" particularly needs tackling. There's another thread on here where a child is still saying things like that at school and upsetting people.

If children aren't told when they're rude they will probably grow up to be rude adults.

I agree in principal that my daughter was rude but this was very much unintentional and I think should be treated as such. My mum was sitting next to her and became very off with her instantly when she said it. My daughter has only meant that my mum's nose is bigger than hers. I don't think my mum should have acted so insulted and disgusted by it. Her face dropped when my daughter said it. I think her reaction was OTT. Maybe not in the words she said but in her attitude and body language. My DD was visibly taken aback by my mum's reaction.

YABU. Your daughter was rude and shouldn't have said it.

I agree myother but I wouldn't have made her feel so bad about it. A discussion explaining would have been sufficient.

Yes. We learn by being told. There was no need for her to be made to feel upset over it. We could have explained to her without my DM taking it as a personal attack.

Sorry these replies are crazy! She's 3 for crying out loud!
She's just observing and even if your mothers nose was larger than average, she wouldn't know at this age that commenting may lead to upset.
By all means have a chat with her but your mother sounds like a spoilt brat. In fact she sounds far more like a rude 3 year old than your daughter.

A discussion explaining would have been sufficient.

Your OP says your DD frequently comments on personal appearances, and you discuss it.

So, discussing it hasn't worked, has it?

Your daughter has learned two things - not to be rude, and more importantly why - it can be very upsetting to be on the receiving end.

Your daughter was innocently observing. Bit your mother was right to correct her. I have a 3.5 year old and he says 'why is that women walking like that (stooping) or she has a very funny face (birthmark) or a big tummy'

He is just speaking his mind but I do correct him. I would have corrected him more so if it were his grandmother

I think YABU, you say

My DD was visibly taken aback by my mums reaction

Well yes, she didn't mean it maliciously, which is why she was taken aback, but that's how children learn about what is and isn't acceptable. It is considered a rude comment, and your DD will learn that comments like that will get a negative reaction from people.

But you can't control how someone else is going to react to what your daughter said, she does need guidance that people think it's rude to say things like that. You think your mum was ott. I think it's probably six of one half a dozen of another, ie you're now over reacting and possibly your mum over reacted.

I've just re-read my op and to be fair, it does sound like I wouldn't have discussed it with my daughter. I would have. I can assure you. I would have told her that things like that can be hurtful and explained to her. My was defending her reaction and saying that she was right to get defensive about it when I really don't think she was. I'd say my daughter is just reaching the age now where I can explain that sort of thing to her. She's learning. I don't think she should have been made to feel so bad about it.

I think yabu, sounds fine to me.

You say she's done it before, did you tell her those times it's unacceptable to comment on people's appearance? If so then she should know, if not then you should have told her before

It IS upsetting when we accidentally upset other people. Avoiding everybody's upset is a good reason not to make personal remarks. Upset is a natural consequence of making personal remarks.

If you rush to shield her completely from the natural consequences, you've removed a learning experience.

Is your mother self conscious about her nose ?

I can see why she found it upsetting, and I can understand her reaction.

Your DD has learned a lesson, and she has learned it from someone who loves her and whom she loves.

Better that than pointing it out to a stranger or a friend of yours and getting a worse reaction.

Your Mum will suck it up. But you cannot be angry with her for being upset.

Unfortunately 3 is an age where children can have little empathy, so while I agree it's not nice to make a child feel bad, like I say, your mum having a negative reaction, your daughter will realise that she, your DD, didn't feel good getting that response and therefore will learn not to do it.

It's sometimes harder to get them to understand why it's not okay to hurt other people, but easier to say "it didn't feel very nice for you when DGM reacted like that, did it, we shouldn't make comments on people's appearances". The empathy comes after.

SerfTerf put it more eloquently that I did

She's done it a handful of times. when she said I had big feet, I said, "yes my feet are bigger than yours but that's because you're little". I want her to grow up not to be blinded to the fact we're all different but to embrace it and to see that no appearance is the right appearance. I don't want her to think it's good to have a small nose and bad to have a big nose etc. I want her to accept how people come in all their forms. For all I know, her nose might be huge when she grows up. I want her to be happy with the face/body/appearance she is given and appreciate her health is all that matters. She notices differences in people but I want her to understand that we are all different and have our quirks and that's what makes us individual.

*than.

Will stop spamming this thread now

The little one is 3.5. She wasn't being intentionally rude. Sure, you need to have a gentle word and advise we don't say these things but it sounds like your mum over-reacted.

X post. So you've told her comments about people's appearance might upset them, she hasn't understood and now she's actually seen her words upset someone.

Maybe that's what she needed to learn?