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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

229 replies

Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 08:49

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

OP posts:
hulahooper9876 · 07/07/2017 15:42

Your daughter sounds very rude and you're enabling it by not punishing her. Your fault. Parent her properly.

Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 16:17

hulahooper you sound very rude, and I'm guessing your not 3. Maybe you should concentrate on your own manners.

OP posts:
ellestyle · 07/07/2017 16:45

It might be relevant, but has your mum got a big nose? just that with you saying she only said it because it's bigger than hers, which might have made your mum feel less insulated itms, but if she genuinely has got a big nose she might have a complex about it, in which case her reaction is more understandable.

ellestyle · 07/07/2017 16:47

hula punish her properly? how awful to punish a little 3 year old for something like that.

RhiWrites · 07/07/2017 16:51

I didn't say big was a nasty word, just that it's difficult because it's not always nice.

deadringer · 07/07/2017 16:52

Your dd was 'visibly taken aback by it', she will get over it and might even learn something, not everyone is as accepting of her comments/observations as her mum is. It seems to me that your dm feels you are mumsplaining to her, she is a mother, a grandmother and a teacher, it sounds like you were correcting her and she resented it.

MissionItsPossible · 07/07/2017 17:10

Sorry OP I think you're more in the wrong here. It's great that you're teaching your child about body positivity and that small noses or big noses are nothing of what makes someone who they are but it is important they know about things that are hurtful to someone. Teaching her that someone who is a little person should not be treated any different from people who are taller height is not wrong but allowing her to point out things like "you're little you are, you are not big like other own grown ups" would not be endearing, it would be just plain rude. I know this is not what happened here just using a different example.

FrToddUnctious · 07/07/2017 18:34

It's normal for kids to say stuff like that as they don't know any better but the important thing is that you tell them not to make comments like it because it hurts their feelings.

Summerlovin24 · 07/07/2017 18:36

Kids say what they see. My 2 yr old pointed at a morbidly obese woman in swimming g pool changing room and said in a loud voice"mummy she's got a fat tummy". He wasn't being naughty and now he's older he understands to say things like that quietly to me.

Goingtobeawesome · 07/07/2017 18:40

Saying your dress is nice or your hair looks lovely is totally the same as saying you've got a big nose Hmm.

raindropstea · 07/07/2017 18:47

It's kind of sad to me in a way. I haven't had time to read through all the comments, but most of the ones I'm reading miss the idea that children at that age are still so innocent and haven't been conditioned by the world to think x is ugly and y is pretty. She doesn't understand that having a big nose (whether your DM does or not) might be considered hurtful and insulting to some people. So all she got from the interaction was that suddenly after making this comment, her grandmother's demeanor changed so drastically all the sudden. It's all probably a bit confusing to her little 3.5 year old mind.

belgina · 07/07/2017 18:49

Haven't read the whole thread.
My mum sometimes forgets what small children are like and what to expect at what age.
At 3.5yo I 1) would not expect a child to fully understand that that sort of casual, observational remark can be hurtful and 2) explain to her not to make such remarks to others because they may feel hurt, even though it's the truth. 3) I wouldn't class this as being rude, because imo that's something that's purposeful, not innocent.
And I think yes, your mum could have told her it's rude, but she really should have taken your dd's age into account and not taken it to heart so much.

Now if she were even a year older, I would expect more and be a little less lenient.

Kintan · 07/07/2017 18:50

I'm more concerned with the fact she needs to point out that the boy at nursery has 'a black face' Where is she learning that people are 'black' - surely if as you say she is just making observation she would comment he was brown. Does she point out different shades of 'white' people too?

Queazy · 07/07/2017 18:59

I agree with mumofone! She's 3yo for goodness sake!! Yes it's a bit rude, but she was in the womb 3 yrs ago, it's a bloody big learning curve learning social etiquette. One which some people never quite achieve!

Luluandizzy · 07/07/2017 18:59

I don't think your mother needed have react in such an abrupt tone, she could have been a little more gentle by the sounds of it, but equally your daughter needs to learn it's unkind to make personal comments about others appearance as at the age of three she's not that far off starting school and could land her self in hot water if not careful. I think everyone can learn a little from this situation x

whomovedmychocolate · 07/07/2017 19:03

I disagree COMPLETELY that we should train our children NOT to comment on people's appearance. But we SHOULD train them to do it in a nice way.

For example: 'granny your hair is beautiful' or as my children like to point out 'your boobs are great, they make cuddling squishy'. (well they are right, they do. I'm bony elsewhere).

And if we bring them up so frightened to discuss physical appearance - what happens when they have to describe someone is they clam up.

And kids notice things FFS. Yes if someone is an outlier they are going to point that out. We can say it without judgement. A person who is black is just black - that's not a judgement on them. Just as I'm caucasian. If you are picking that person out of a line up you need to be specific. It doesn't have to be a nasty thing.

VelvetSpoon · 07/07/2017 19:03

Your daughter is rude unfortunately, and you need to correct that before she starts school. Because she may well find other children are a lot less tolerant than your mum was.

Plus I know many schools where commenting on skin colour would be likely to result in parents being called in to discuss it/ ensure it isn't repeated.

whomovedmychocolate · 07/07/2017 19:04

And before you all jump on me. Picking ANYBODY out of a line up, that wasn't in reference to race.

Banderwassnatched · 07/07/2017 19:05

I suppose your mum was a but hurt, OP, hence the reaction. But I'd just remind her it's not nice to pass comment on other people's bodies. I asked my lids to cinsider how they'd feel if it were them on the recieving end of the pointing and commenting, but they were a touch older at the time.

HookandSwan · 07/07/2017 19:06

Your daughter was rude...you should of told her off end off.

Banderwassnatched · 07/07/2017 19:06

kids. consider. Too many typos.

Banderwassnatched · 07/07/2017 19:17

whomoved... there is a difference, surely, between making kids afraid to comment on physical appearances and steering kids away from making personal remarks? Surely we don't want kids to be so focussed on looks, after all. I'd rather they told grandma she was funny, for example, than that her hair was beautiful.

BongoB3 · 07/07/2017 19:20

I'm sorry but I don't think your being unreasonable, Mumofone1970 says it best. I think next time you just need to say to your DD not to point it out to the person and to discuss it with her in private, common we all bitch about other people behind their back.

Serialweightwatcher · 07/07/2017 19:33

I wouldn't think a 3.5 year old was meaning to hurt her feelings - she was just making a comment on what she saw like my son telling me I had long boobies years ago .... I wouldn't call her rude, and my mum used to take exception to my children being 'honest' ... I would just explain that making comments on people's appearances can sometimes upset them and to ask you first if it's okay. It's quite sad really that people think such a small child would intentionally try to hurt someone's feelings - it's also very sad that we tell them not to lie and we also have to tell them not to tell the truth either

krustykittens · 07/07/2017 19:33

She wasn't being intentionally rude but she will learn, with time and and lots of discussion, what it is considered polite to say and what isn't. Kids don't get it first time so you do need to keep discussing it with her, because she is THREE! It takes time to sink in, it doesn't necessarily mean you up the ante because the first three or four discussions didn't correct it overnight. THEN you have the fun of teaching her all about the little white lie! Now that IS confusing for a child. "But you always said I had to tell the truth!"

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