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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

229 replies

Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 08:49

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

OP posts:
badger2005 · 07/07/2017 11:04

Oh and also OP, of course I agree that it would be great for your dd to learn that it doesn't matter what size your nose is - big noses are just as good as small ones! Etc. But your dd will need to learn the social norms to be able to get on with people as she grows up. When she's grown up, she will need to know which things people can probably be safely complimented about and which things they can't. So it would not be a kindness to protect her from this information.

I guess the ideal would be for her to know as naturally and instinctively as we all do which things are seen as good and which things are seen as bad, without herself attaching these values to these things. Then she could function in society but be free from hang-ups. But I have no idea how to achieve this. And I think then she'd be kind of like an anthropologist living in a strange place, without sharing everyone else's norms.

I would go for letting her learn about the norms naturally, but making sure that she has confidence if you can, and modelling not being too bothered about your and other peoples' looks yourself.

Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 11:04

Rhi - I'm not sure about teaching her that big isn't a nice word. She always calls herself a big girl for instance or refers to older children as big boys or big girls.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 07/07/2017 11:04

"My issue though with that is that I don't want her to think a small nose is better than a big nose or a small tummy is better than a big tummy. If she had said "granny, you have a little nose" would my mum have been upset? Would people say she was rude? I see this as a reflection of flaws in our society and I don't want her to think along these lines."

I applaud your idealism, but in practical terms, of course no one would be upset to be told their nose or tummy was small and the chances of any child remarking on a small nose or tummy are pretty low. Of course she's allowed to compliment people on their appearance, and perhaps if she'd said "granny I love your big nose", your DM might have been less hurt, but she didn't, so it's irrelevant. I wouldn't get too caught up in the abstract or hypotheticals at this point. The lesson is clear and tangible - don't tell people they have a big nose. They will get upset.

badger2005 · 07/07/2017 11:08

Yes pinkdelight - "don't tell people they have a big nose". I think that's the message that the OP's dd should take away. Or even just "don't get granny she's got a big nose".
There is no simple rule that you can extract from this learning experience that will tell you how to behave in every setting. You've just got to learn all of these bits and pieces.

SerfTerf · 07/07/2017 11:09

I taught mine not to comment on physical characteristics at all. You can link it to the start of ideas about people's bodies being their own and not public property.

It did lead to a stage where DD was determinedly roaming the infants playground enthusiastically praising her Yr R classmates for their personality traits but no harm was done Grin

ChestnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 07/07/2017 11:13

You and your mum both sound overly sensitive, if a kid told me I had a big nose I'd laugh. Having said that I remember when my daughter was that age I steered her away from making personal comments about people- they soon learn not to do that if you tell them. It can be done gently though.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/07/2017 11:20

I don't think she should have been made to feel so bad about it.

She wasn't. Your mom, quite rightly in my opinion, just told her that it was rude. Hardly a massive telling off was it?

All three of you sound rather touchy!

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 07/07/2017 11:40

DP taught 20 months DD that noses are in fact called 'big hooters' and its stuck Angry

Sorry not helpful at all, but I imagine my Dd is also going to cause offence.

Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 11:46

I think you're right about me being touchy. I really don't mean to drip feed but my mum was emotionally abusive to me growing up. She used to call me fat on a very regular basis which led to years of annorexia and bulimia. That's why I care so much about my DD accepting that we are all different, and that it's okay to be different. So although a relationship exists between my mum and I, it is not a good relationship. I'm maybe blinded by the past when it comes to what's happened this morning.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 07/07/2017 11:47

That would load whole sacks of extra meaning onto the exchange.

kaitlinktm · 07/07/2017 11:49

DP taught 20 months DD that noses are in fact called 'big hooters' and its stuck Grin Grin
Your DP is a legend! [grin}
I get why it could be awkward though

Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 11:51

I realise I should have put it in the op but at the time I felt as though it wasn't relevant. Apologies for that.

OP posts:
checkoutchick · 07/07/2017 11:59

Weird, there was a thread ( was it chat) talking about a very similar situation.
Child spoke their mind- everyone joined in with examples of how theirs did it too!

badger2005 · 07/07/2017 12:03

So sorry OP. I take back what I said about giving your dm a hug - forget that.

Without your history but with some hang ups about body size, I also have worried about sending the right messages to my children. But the wisest words about this came to me from a fully recovered anorexic who told me two things.

  1. You (the parent) are not the only influence on your children's life
  2. Your feelings and health are important too - so look after yourself.

The control you have over your child's future hang-ups is limited. The rest of the world gets in the way! With its preference for small noses and other ridiculous ideas. You can't insulate your daughter from this totally, but she will probably find her own way through it all.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful mum.

CotswoldStrife · 07/07/2017 12:13

Accepting differences does not mean drawing attention to the differences and it definitely does not mean commenting on them to the person concerned.

As for not thinking along the lines of society - well, we have 'norms' because they are acceptable (if not preferable) to the majority of people IMO. These are not things that are forced on us. It's fine to have your own opinions or your own take on things IMO.

I hope my own DD is aware that it doesn't matter if a person has a big or small nose/tum/whatever, because it doesn't change or affect who the person is. You seem to be focusing on the different nose rather than the whole person.

All children come out with unfiltered stuff from time to time, but they do need to know when they are being rude to stop them upsetting someone else.

yourerubberimglue · 07/07/2017 12:43

She will never be a vacuum without opinions on appearance which are influenced by society ... it's just not how it works.

FlaviaAlbia · 07/07/2017 12:43

Ah, your DM has some gall then, but I guess if she had the self awareness to realise that she wouldn't have been abusive in the first place... Blush

I'd still go down the line of no personal comments though.

FlaviaAlbia · 07/07/2017 12:43

Ah, that Blush, should have been Flowers, sorry.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 07/07/2017 12:49

Yanbu.
It is adults who put values on various physical features - to children they are just objective facts. If she had said "granny,you have freckles",that wouldn't be rude.if she said "granny, you have small fingers", again, not rude. It's rude because grown ups in 2017 don't want big noses basically. If your DD had said this 2000 years ago, it would not have been rude, as adults a favoured big noses in roman times.

CluseWatch · 07/07/2017 13:15

agree with Itsjustaphase2016

CluseWatch · 07/07/2017 13:19

OP just read your update.

I had thought that your mum's exaggerated touchiness about being told she has a big nose was indicative of a highly strung or egocentric personality.

I'd probably detach myself from her a bit. She sounds toxic.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/07/2017 13:59

Is she allowed to say, "you've got brown eyes" to someone? Where does it end?
Personally I think it's best not to comment on appearances at all because it's a minefield, or at least keep it only to compliments. But even compliments can be tricky as Badger pointed out. Imagine a child saying "I love your big warty nose"! It's a compliment to the child, yet probably not to the recipent. So to keep it simple I'd just say no to all comments about other people's appearances.

Accepting differences does not mean drawing attention to the differences and it definitely does not mean commenting on them to the person concerned.
Exaclty this. There is simply no need to say anything.

diddl · 07/07/2017 14:33

"I'm not sure about teaching her that big isn't a nice word. She always calls herself a big girl for instance "

That's a thing that comes with age though isn't it & understanding different meanings of the same word?

Presumably she's heard it from an adult & in a positive way.

"Is she allowed to say, "you've got brown eyes" to someone? "

Again a thing that comes with age-understanding that some facts are/might be hurtful & others not.

So I agree that comments about appearance are best avoided-easier said than done though!

toomuchtooold · 07/07/2017 15:19

Yesterday somebody came on AIBU and got a total flaming for telling her 5 year old that it was a terrible thing to say "well at leas you'll still have one kid" when her baby brother was coughing really badly. Now the OP here is getting told that when a 3.5yo remarks "you've got a big nose" the kid's being rude and needs told off. Gonny make your minds up?

KurriKurri · 07/07/2017 15:36

I think to be truly rude you need intent, otherwise it's just a sort of social gaff. You've got a big nose doesn't sound as if the Dd was trying to be nasty. I think your Mum was very touchy to get upset. I'd have just said 'yes it's bigger than yours isn't it, that's because noses grow bigger as we get older'
' You've got a big nose' is observational, 'you've got a massive great conk, are you a Pelican?' is rude.