Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

229 replies

Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 08:49

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 08/07/2017 09:59

@lifetothefull, that's true. I suppose it took her by surprise, coming from her granddaughter. Or else, maybe she was sick of hearing about her big nose and snapped, being sensitive about it?

Either way, she's the adult.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/07/2017 10:04

We don't comment on people's appearance is something I teach my kids.

The older they get them more they understand it's ok to be complimentary.

Jules2 · 08/07/2017 11:45

Oh dear. It's difficult to teach a 3.5-yr-old the difference between stating a fact and being sensitive to others' feelings. I had this problem with my own DD. It does vary from child to child - some are 'kinder' from a younger age. We all think things (that man's fat, that woman has a big scar on her face, why are you in a wheelchair, etc.) - it's learning not to say your thoughts out loud. And some people never do learn tact or when a 'white lie' might be OK. (Only your real friends will tell you your new hairstyle makes you look 10 years older!) And if it's within your own family, children do feel it's OK to say what they see - they still love granny or whoever, whether she has a big nose or big feet. You just have to keep reinforcing that message - 'think it, don't say it!'.

Jules2 · 08/07/2017 11:56

I agree, JugglingMuggle. It's important to encourage children to understand that people look and behave differently - and even ask people about it. For example, if you see someone - as we did on a bus a while back - twitching and shaking, there's probably a very good reason for that. Just as there is for all kinds of 'odd' behaviour, scars, lumps, bumps, missing limbs, etc. Hopefully, they will grow up to be tolerant and kind.

Jules2 · 08/07/2017 11:57

Just how BIG is your bottom, Lifetothefull?

mctat · 08/07/2017 15:23

'She is a preschooler. There is no way she could have predicted that your DM would be hurt by her comment, she was simply observing and vocalising what to her is a fact.

Perhaps your Mum felt aggrieved but her response ought to have been more gentle.

I cannot believe some of the comments here were made by other Mums.'

Completely agree. Grandmother projected her own insecurities & added an adult slant that wasn't there, to a normal 3yo comment, and shamed her instead of just gently correcting her.

It's very sad that people can't just take a bit of time to learn what is age appropriate behaviour for children of different ages & instead expect all children to be mini adults.

Yes by all means talk to her about it, but I can't actually believe the number of comments on here saying she was rude & the grandmother's reaction was appropriate! It beggars belief! As for all those saying the OP has talked to her before and it hasn't 'worked' erm, that's cos her dd is still 3! Confused She'll learn in her own time without being guilted by her own grandmother. Grandmother has put the weight of her own insecurities on a 3yo just because of an innocent comment.

user1498983411 · 08/07/2017 18:03

I'm a nana !! I would have just said yes I have and it's all the better to smell you with!! Poo what a funny smelling little girl, kids say what they see, they other day my granddaughter informed me that I had a lovely face but my hands were much older then the rest of me!! O how we laugh!!

SparkleMotions · 08/07/2017 18:13

@mctat

🙌🏻

Dianag111 · 08/07/2017 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LML83 · 08/07/2017 20:18

Your mum is obviously offended. She can't help her body language. And what your mum said to correct wasn't that bad.

I would be upset my mum felt bad and reassure her that her nose isn't big DD is commenting on everyone please don't take it personally.

LML83 · 08/07/2017 20:30

Just read about the relationship with your mum OP i am more understanding of why your mum's feeling may not have been a priority like in my own situation.

You sound determined to give good messages to DD so I think that gran's feeling being hurt is something she has to learn. The fact DD felt bad about it shows she is caring. Hopefully will blow over with your mum.

WellThisIsShit · 08/07/2017 21:19

Your other post makes a lot of things fall into place Flowers

It is hard to be very sympathetic at someone's hurt feelings when they've hurt yours so much in the past.

I wouldn't have been able to resist saying 'oh dear, it really hurts when someone we love makes personal comments about how we look. So upsetting. Could be quite damaging sometimes couldn't it? Luckily DD is only a child, words have so much power when grown ups use them...' and on and on ad nausium until she broke!

You're a better woman than me :)

Iwantamarshmallow · 08/07/2017 21:29

YANBU .. She's 3. She doesn't know its hurtful she's just making an observation. My DD 2.5 told her 13 year old cousin that she had spots on her face. I saw the the cousin cringe, it must have hurt but she understood that my dd didn't mean it as an insult and just agreed that she did. If a 13 year old can accept that I think your Dm should as well

Buthewasstillhungry · 08/07/2017 21:32

Your DD was rude, you should have told her off too!

bbismad · 08/07/2017 21:57

YABVU your daughter said something that was rude and was likely to upset. She was told off. That should have been that. Children need to learn... otherwise how will she learn what is right and wrong? Also it's good for her to realise that her words can upset people and if she is rude or comments on someone's appearance she is likely to get a strong reaction back... your mum reacted as many people would, maybe not as upset as she would have potential made another child. For you to be so defensive is quite frankly, silly. Your child was wrong.

WellThisIsShit · 08/07/2017 21:58

Telling off a young child doesn't really work unless they understand how not to do it next time.

A 3yr old needs teaching, not telling off, and the OP is thinking about how to teach her DD in a simple and practical way. So all is good :)

CasanovaFrankenstein · 08/07/2017 22:15

She's three. She's learning. She wouldn't have meant it to be 'rude'. It would have been better for your mother to have explained that it isn't nice to make comments about people's appearance rather than react as she did.

It's hard enough for a three year old to navigate through language and accuracy let alone appropriateness, it seems difficult for some adults!

Not sure if she was commenting re size as relevant to her or to the average nose, presume it is something your mum is sensitive about which is unfortunate. We encourage children to describe their world so they can learn about it and improve language skills, if she had said "that digger is massive" or "that bird is tiny" or "your top is dark blue, granny" it would have been fine, it's too much to expect such little children to grasp what's okay.

Part of her upset will be because she doesn't understand why her gran's behaviour changed - it's pretty depressing really because her take home message is probably that there's something wrong with having a 'big' nose.

Do you think part of the reason your mum is so upset about the aftermath and your explanation is because she knows her past attitudes to physicality affected you so much?

Marymoosmum14 · 09/07/2017 02:40

I think you both ABU. Children that age are rude, they don't have a filter, but that being said it is our job to explain to them that they are being rude and why. Your DM should understand what children are like and instead of getting defensive and upsetting your DD should have explained to her.

keeplooking · 09/07/2017 08:14

it's pretty depressing really because her take home message is probably that there's something wrong with having a 'big' nose.

It's more depressing that in our society it is considered unfortunate if you have a 'big' nose, especially if you're female. We all know this. Why deny it?

Eggandchipsfortea93 · 09/07/2017 10:05

it's pretty depressing really because her take home message is probably that there's something wrong with having a 'big' nose.
But that doesn't need to happen, because the issue is that :

its rude to comment on peoples appearance,

as many posters have said, and she does need to have this explained, clearly, because it obviously hasn't got through on the previous occasions when you have discussed this.
The actual feature is irrelevant, it would have been rude to say your DM had a small nose, or a knobbly knee, or anything else! The issue is not whether all shapes and sizes are OK, the issue is that its rude to make personal comments about other peoples bodies.
I'm sure you'd be quite annoyed if your DD came home from nursery upset because another child said she had big ears, on several occasions, you'd expect the child to have been taught not to be unkind - this applies for your DD too.
Its not your DDs fault, kids are curious and make comments, but she is old enough to learn not to do it. You can tell her that she can ask you about anything that looks unusual if she wants to (out of earshot of the person), but that she may NOT comment to the person. She needs to learn the rules of society, and you need to try a bit harder to remind her in a way that gets through.

FrToddUnctious · 09/07/2017 10:24

I remember dd saying in a loud voice in public. "That lady's very old." I explained to her that it might make someone sad if you say that and she soon grew out of making personal comments.
A friend's dd would comment on her dd calling people fat or saying they had a fat bottom. She found it quite funny. I asked if she had explained that it can hurt people's feelings and she said "Oh she's only saying what she sees." The child carried on commenting on people being fat for years. I think it needs to be explained that we don't make comments like that because it's hurtful rather than deciding there's nothing wrong with someone having a big nose or bottom so the child can be left to carry on announcing it.

Floisme · 09/07/2017 10:29

I haven't read the whole thread - and that really is rude - but good grief, if I am ever fortunate enough to have a grandchild they can say what they like about my nose.

MagdalenNoName · 09/07/2017 10:46

In my family it ended up being the other way round. My mother had quite a carrying voice and - when I was a teenager - would comment on passersby and their clothes loudly, while under the impression they couldn't hear her. I remember dying a little inside as she pointed to someone a couple of yards in front and pronounced, 'I wouldn't wear shorts it I had fat thighs like that.' And the young woman turned round, and although it wasn't me, I wished the earth would swallow me up....

laurelstar · 09/07/2017 11:18

Sorry OP, I hadn't seen your post about your mum previously saying things about your weight. That must make you feel quite differently about this

Mittens1969 · 09/07/2017 13:41

Yes, I do think this goes a lot deeper than DD's comment about Granny's nose.