DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

[Applesandpears55]

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

Your mother's feelings were hurt. She may be being entirely unreasonable in having hurt feelings, but there you go - they're hurt.

You DD was - albeit unintentionally - rude. You don't comment on people's appearances. You just don't. When you do, this happens.

Lesson learnt. Move on.

Your mother should have said
"it's to smell you better my dear"

I agree that seeing that something she said upset Grandma could well be beneficial.

My friend had 2 daughters one of whom was prone to making remarks like this. I remember (the friend) saying to me that it was embarrassing when her DD1 made comments about the neighbour's fat tummy - but what could you say when the neighbour really did have a fat tummy? It seemed beyond her that she should teach her child not to comment on people's appearance. She seemed to think that as long as it was true, it was OK and the person should just suck it up.

This did her daughter (who is in her 30s now) no good at all as she is still prone to making insensitive remarks. The earlier they can be taught this, the better it is for them.

It sounds as though your dm overreacted but your dd will need to learn not to make personal comments about people. Ideally she would be taught to do this without the shame element your dm brought in, as a teacher I would have expected her to have managed the situation better. Your dd won't know she is considered rude at the moment but she will need to learn this as she grows up as it is a societal rule.

YABU 3 is about the age we begin to realise that our actions affect other people. Your dd has now had a first hand lesson in the effect of making personal comments and unintentionally upseting someone. If she was upset by the effect her words had, that's good - shows her empathy is developing nicely and she's well on the way to being a lovely human being. Being upset about granny's reaction won't hurt her any more than being upset because her biscuit was broken (or whatever) hurt her at two. If anything it will help her remember the lesson more quickly. Which is good because she's going to have hundreds of these misunderstandings over the next few years as conversation with her peers ramps up.

Your DD was not intending to hurt anybodies feelings, but she did. She needs to learn about things like not commenting about her Granny's trunk at some point. Your Mum over-reacted slightly though.

Your mum is a little ridiculous to be that upset, granted. But it's a good lesson to learn that making personal remarks about people's appearances is just not a good idea.

I think you have a good point about not thinking that a big nose is worse than a small nose etc. But as another poster said - how about by not attaching value to any part of appearance that we assume it is best not to comment on it at all as people already know what they look like? Later you can tell her that it's much nicer to point out things like "you're kind, you're brave" etc.

I know a few adults who point out things about people's appearances on the basis that they're "just making observations" and it fucks me off

OP, of course you should continue to teach your children that we don't speak about people's physical appearance.

But your mother is ridiculous to get the hump about it. If her self image is so fragile that a three year old can cause this level of upset then actually maybe the problem is her.*

What the daughter has learned is that Granny can turn on you for an innocent remark.

This

I tried to reword this or c&p just a bit of it but it's all exactly what i think too as was about to try and say vulval

Bloody ridiculous over reaction from Granny IMO.

This is one of those threads which divides opinion and will rage on and on.

I'd step away OP

My 6 year old tells me I've a big nose, funny eyebrows etc. It's funny. Lighten up people

Problem is, if your 6 year old carries on like that, she might become a 12 year old who shouts 'Oi, big nose!' across the playground to her friend. & that could be seen as bullying. This is the thing. When does an affectionate joke become bullying?
This is why I tell my children to never ever ever comment on anyone's personal appearance.

Oh and many people have an aspect of their appearance that they are sensitive about (quite possibly because they've endured hundreds of comments about it before). I can laugh off comments about my weight but am very touchy about people mentioning the cast I have in one eye. Maybe your dd hit a nerve.

Around the same age my dd said exactly the same to my mam, who quick as a flash said "When God was giving out noses, I thought he said Roses, and I said "Can I have a big red one please?" followed by much hilarity.

My dd is 9 now, wouldn't dream of making personal or hurtful comments and is perfectly well mannered.

Really OP your Mam needs to give her head a wobble.

I'm not reading this as the DGM throwing a strop about the nose comment itself. Rather that she's disagreeing with OP's stance and handling of it.

She's not just the recipient of the remark. She's also a concerned DGM and possibly, as a teacher, has clear ideas about what behaviours DC should be exhibiting by Yr R.

Children need to learn. Ds called my dad fat at about the same age. My dad thought it was funny and wasn't offended, but I explained that saying things about others' appearance can hurt that other person's feelings and is rude. At 6, he's very aware that there are some things better left unsaid. He also knows that beauty is skin deep and real beauty is in the heart. They're never too young to begin to understand this op. Your DM probably overreacted (your dd is still little after all) but it should have been you taking the lead in this instance.

But we do comment on each other's appearances all the time - and that is often seen as appropriate small talk and politeness. We say 'Oh, have you had your hair done?' 'That dress really suits you.' 'You're looking really well.'

The social rules are actually very complicated. Some kinds of comments on appearance are seen as good, some neutral and some bad.

It's also quite complicated to explain to small children that lots of people think there is something wrong with their bodies which they are unhappy about. (Although children will learn that soon enough.)

I think I'd tell the child, 'Grandma doesn't like her nose, though I think Grandma is lovely. So she gets sad and cross if people say anything about it.'

i dont think she was being rude, she may have just said it as meaning its bigger than hers. all you had to do was thats correct her nose is bigger than yours but every person has a different nose too some smaller like yours some bigger like mine etc. some people have a bigger tummy some smaller. just say to her some people might get upset if we say things like that to them and we wouldnt want to make someone feel sad but well done for noticing people come in all different shapes and sizes etc

I can sympathise (and empathise) with your mum but maybe she over-reacted if she thought that you were being dismissive about her hurt feelings and too defensive about your DC's lack of tact and understanding.

I have an aspect of my appearance that has elicited comments from others (children and adults) throughout the years, all of which have burned and scarred like a knife. I accept that I'm probably too sensitive but it doesn't blur the memories and it certainly doesn't make it easier when I have to put up with the (thankfully rare) comments and open gazes. Your mum could feel something like this and for once, be able to have some sort of influence on the child who has mentioned the taboo subject. I don't really know, it's just my interpretation and possibly over-analysis of the event and your mum's feelings.

Sorry to sound so critical OP, but I'm sure that your mum will get over it and at least your DD is now more aware of the potential consequences of making personal comments. Could your DD make your mum a small gift / drawing as an apology and say sorry?

I think there are much kinder ways of doing it. We teach our DD that she can comment about people, but shouldn't say negative things about them, even if they are true. When DD says something like that I just reply with, "Yes, I do have a big nose, but when you say that, it makes me feel bad/hurts my feelings." That way she can learn that her words impact others, rather than the whole "that was rude". How is she suppose to know the difference between, "that lady has a big nose" and "that lady has long hair"? To a child they are just pointing things out and I personally don't think it should be discouraged.

I think little girls learn about body shame all too soon, I prefer your approach OP. People all look different and it should be nothing to be ashamed of.

The only thing I would add is that we are all more alike than we are different, and ask her what similarities she can see. Pre-schoolers are heavily prone to very strict categorisation, so I think it's an opportunity to talk about how people are all people first and foremost.

Drawing your DD's attention to the fact that people are over-sensitive about aspects of their body and that commenting on someone else's body is a minefield will just teach her that self-criticism is normal. I know it is normal but it shouldn't be!

Better learning that personal comments are upsetgin from your mum that from going "mummy that man is REALLY FAT" in a shop or something....

Personal comments generally upset people.
Your mum was upset.
Your DD is upset that she upset your mum.
Hopefully she is on the path of learning social niceties on the bit confusing long journey that all children have to go on.

YANBU. Your mother sounds overly sensitive Ridiculous she is a grown woman.

IMO it's much better to explain "yes dd of course grandmother has a bigger rose it's because she is a grown up."

I am astonished that your dd would say somebody has a "black face". I mean was this a black child or was their face smudged? My children have been around different ethnicities since they were babies and accept that people come in different skin shades and that there is absolutely no need to point out somebody's skin colour. I take it OP that you live in a predominantly white area?

You're making excuses for your DD she probably meant your mum had a big nose, not she's little so your mums nose is bigger than hers as she's an adult.

The same when my 3 yr old tells my tummy is fat, he doesn't mean it's fatter than his as he's little and I'm grown up. I correct him, tell him it's not nice to say anything bad about how people look.

She will carry on making these comments as she grows up if you always have an alternative reason as to why she has said things for her.

YABU

She might have meant it innocently but she said something hurtful to someone. At 3 she's old enough to start to learn that sometimes people find it upsetting when someone comments on their appearance. Sounds like by trying to justify it you have made your mum feel like shit for being upset and therefore your reaction has escalated the situation.

Where do you draw the line if you are going to ignore all of these comments? When she tells someone they are fat? Or is that OK too? If she tells someone they've got funny eyes etc?

You can teach a child that everyone is different whilst also teaching them that people have feelings and can get upset and that this is OK as well.