DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

[Applesandpears55]

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

You are being ineffective in telling your dd not to make personal comments (though at her very young age it is going to take a while),
Your Mum over-reacted to a young child who loves her.
You over reacted to your Mum's reaction.
You all sound a bit brittle and sensitive.

I appreciate the comments about me advising her not to comment on others appearance. This is something I need to work on with her. Thank you.

I didn't overreact at my Mum. I just discussed it with her and she flew off the handle saying I was totally wrong.

Good on embracing difference, not good on emphasising that we don't make comments about other people's bodies.

On the one hand, there's the perfect way to respond to your daughter, for your daughter. What would help her understand, and not make that personal comment again? We can argue about whether your mum's reaction was ideal in that way.

But what seems to have dropped out of the equation here is your mum's feelings. I guess it did hurt her feelings! So this isn't just about your daughter, and getting your mum to say the ideal thing in future to help your daughter understand. It's also about your mum's hurt. You saying that her nose was only big in that it is an adult's nose is probably a good idea for making your mum feel better. But then telling her that her reaction to your daughter is wrong is probably making her feel worse. She's got a big nose and she's also saying stuff wrong!

Go and give her a hug and tell her what a wonderful mother/grandmother she is and that you think she looks lovely (if she does to you).

I did exactly that to my uncle once- he told me it was rude and I was embarrassed but knew never to say it to anyone again. Just one of life's lessons

I'm rather surprised by a teacher grandmother (presumably had contact with a lot of kids over the years) being so offended by what is a classic kids comment

I mean, yes, you tell the child it's not nice to comment on people's appearance and it might upset them, but to be frank, these kinds of things are par for the course with children, and I'm surprised your mum didn't realise that and was offended by it. My mum would have laughed! The child's 3!

I want her to grow up not to be blinded to the fact we're all different but to embrace it and to see that no appearance is the right appearance. I don't want her to think it's good to have a small nose and bad to have a big nose etc. I want her to accept how people come in all their forms. For all I know, her nose might be huge when she grows up. I want her to be happy with the face/body/appearance she is given and appreciate her health is all that matters.

That's a lovely philosophy but it doesn't override a child's need for rules.

Being polite, being kind, saying please and thank you, not making remarks about someone's personal appearance are all concrete rules preschoolers can start to grasp.

You're preparing her for school now, she needs the basics of social rules. She can think about how all noses are equally attractive in the privacy of her head.

YABU, at 3.5 you need to nip this in the bud before she unintentionally hurts someone else - tell her off for making personal remarks about people, DC do this naturally and it requires parental intervention to stop it happening, not just telling her 'we're all different'. It's true, we are, but it is rude to comment on it in front of people which you should be teaching her.

Your DM must have been pretty upset, maybe she's self-conscious about her nose - your DD will see she's upset her DGM and, with a bit of reinforcement from you, maybe not make personal remarks about people in front of them again.

Your dd does need - gentle! - guidance over saying things like this, but your mother overreacted. 'Well thanks'? Horrible sarcasm to a 3yo? Not on. She seems to be enjoying the drama a bit by being 'very upset' with you over it, and wanting to elicit a grovellingly apologetic reaction.

FFS, my 12(!)yo said I had a big nose last night. It's true, I do (and the rest of the family have dh's more harmoniously shaped one, alas). He meant it as an affectionate joke, and he'd never go around saying it to others.

My mum was a teacher and I can imagine her reacting like that. She's a big believer in young children needing to actually see the consequences of their actions, not just being told in a calm voice 'that could be hurtful'. Mainly because teachers have never had time to fuck about, so why bother with repeated explanations when letting them see consequences teaches the lesson far quicker.

She would have been quite clear it was upsetting and wouldn't have shied away from the child being upset that grandma was upset. Sometimes a firm lesson is best and often it's easier if it comes from someone who isn't mum.

You sound like a gentle and loving parent OP, in that context the odd strong lesson from someone else might well provide a bit of balance and be good for her.

OP,

This may be helpful:

www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/language/inappropriate-comments/

Sensible and practical. (Well, except the one cringe-inducing "Kids make the darndest things" quote ).

I admire your wish for your daughter to embrace difference and not think a big nose is in any way worse than a small nose etc etc but I wonder if as a result of that your message about making comments on people's appearance is getting a little confused?

On the one hand you're saying "making comments about others' appearance is rude and we don't do it", but on the other you're sort of rationalising the behaviour by saying "oh yes you're right, mummy does have big feet because she's big and you're little, we're just different and that's ok".

Maybe just stick to the first message for now and keep hammering that one home until she gets it.

Your mum is a bit over-sensitive but your DD learned that words can hurt. Sounds like an ok outcome.

Saying that an adult's nose will be bigger than hers though isn't helping imo.

That's not what she said to your mum, is it?

She needs to just say nothing.

She'll learn.

Your mum was right to say what she did imo.

I have a big nose & I'm fat.

I would think people were rude for pointing it out though.

Although I'd probably laugh & agree if a child said it, I might also say that there's no need to point it out.

Well it was a bit of an overreaction of your DM to get upset with you, but I don't think you needed to pull her up on it in the first place, she was only trying to make your DD see what she said was hurtful. Your DD does need to learn that it isn't ever ok to make personal remarks. I was a very 'observant' child and embarrassed my own DM endlessly at that age making comments about strangers within earshot or making comments directly. I told one man that 'only pigs wear rings in their noses', turned round on a bus saying 'what's that horrid smell, I think it's you' to another man and commented that a lady sitting opposite us on a train had nice lipstick on (at which point DM breathed a sigh of relief) before going on to say her mole wasn't very attractive . Those sorts of comments could have really hurt their feelings it doesn't matter that it is a small child saying it. Your DM getting upset will be a good learning curve for your DD so she understands it isn't nice to comment on appearance.

I remember years ago I walked into a bank to join the queue and a boy said to his mum 'that lady is so small.' And the whole queue turned round to stare at me - I am 5ft 1 so yes small but did not appreciate all those adults indulging that little shits comment. His parent said nothing and I remember being so annoyed that everyone gawped but I was 20ish and too shy to give any comeback.

I've always taught my children that it's not ok to stare and point out other people's differences.

I was on the receiving end of a comment like that a couple of years ago from my friend's son. He was a little older than your DD around 6 I think. I have a great relationship with him and I know he wouldn't have wanted to hurt me but the truth is, it did and I was shocked because it had been a long time since anyone had commented so it took me by surprise actually. I think your mum was fine tbh because you can't always control your reactions. I didn't say anything to the boy but my face must have said it all and my friend told her son how rude it was. It wasn't a big deal and he hasn't ever said anything like that again.

He meant it as an affectionate joke

Thing is, you laughed it off, but 'affectionate jokes' can hurt. What if your 12 year old affectionately called you 'fatty' ? Or what if you were really conscious of your nose? It's a manners thing to me.

But back to the op. YABU. Your dd was rude.

She wasn't being intentionally rude. Young children notice things and just say what they see. They don't have a filter. I think your mum is OTT frankly.

Your daughter was rude, your mum told her that her comment was rude - your daughter now knows commenting on people's physical appearance is rude.

To the people saying the grandmother overreacted, wtf? It's not like she shouted and ranted at her.

I would agree that your DM may have some hang ups about her appearance and wasn't able to hide her upset. Her being a teacher though, my experience of working in a school means children are the worst in the world for noticing even the minutest detail and aren't shy at announcing it out loud, especially early years, so I would expect her to have developed a bit of a thicker skin. Obviously, it hurt coming from her DGD.

DM will get over it. No need to carry it on with your DD if you've already said something.

Oh my god seriously these replies are ridiculous. She's 3. She says what she sees. My 6 year old tells me I've a big nose, funny eyebrows etc. It's funny. Lighten up people. Yanbu OP.

Your mother over-reacted, that's for sure. She should have been able to control her reaction to a comment from a 3-yr old.

However your DD will certainly remember this moment and the lesson by now has been well and truly driven home, I should think. So although she was treated more harshly than she should have been, she will survive and learn from this. It does seem as if the gentle explanations were not working, prior to this. So maybe, no harm done. But I would have been a bit surprised if my mum had not been able to take such a comment from such a young child in her stride.

But Waitrose the way they learn that you shouldn't comment on someones physical appearance is by someone telling them that it's rude and they shouldn't do it otherwise they grow up thinking it's ok to do.

My daughter is three and is obsessed by how much bigger everyone is than her. Most days I'll get a variant of 'why are you so big?' Or 'why are your feet so big?' Or your mouth or your nose or whatever. It's not something meant rudely and it's just about learning about differences - if I took her asking to be a personal affront about my weight or foot size or whatever I'd be permanently offended.

I spend a lot of time teaching DD politeness and manners and would be mortified at her saying rude things in public but in this case I think your DM is being unreasonable.