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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

243 replies

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 13:00

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 04/07/2017 13:18

You're not unreasonable to want to live in a decent area and to send your child to a decent school. However, referring to people as the dregs of society is not very nice. I'm sure there are plenty of decent people in the area who want the same for their kids as you do.

The question is what are you doing about it? Have you looked at moving to a different area? Different city/town? Are you working? If so, is it possible to progress so that you can earn more money and move? If not, can you look at training/education?

MrsOverTheRoad · 04/07/2017 13:19

The best thing you can do is to get actively involved in the school by volunteering your help...joinging the PTA if there is one. If there isn't then look to start one.

Schools like this need all the active support they can get. Instead of complaining about it...do something. Move or get in there and help.

araiwa · 04/07/2017 13:20

What have you done about it so far?

BeachyKeen · 04/07/2017 13:20

There is nothing wrong with wanting better for your children. There is something wrong if you are complaining but not doing anything about it. Have you looked for a better job, elsewhere? Are you volunteering at the school at all to help?

coffeekittens · 04/07/2017 13:24

YANBU for wanting better for your dd, however YABU for referring to CHILDREN, your dd's peers as the dregs of society.

If you don't like it then move.

SheldonsSpot · 04/07/2017 13:28

YANBU.

So what are you doing about it? Furthering your own education and career potential? Working all the hours you can, saving like mad, forgoing treats so you can put all your spare cash towards a move? Exploring other areas to see if it's possible you and your DH can transfer to a different work location?

Cirandeira · 04/07/2017 13:28

Nothing wrong with your expectations, I guess, but think of it this way. You just came 'from a hostel' and you obviously can't afford to just up and leave, so... aren't you just the same as everyone else in that area? You WANT better, sure, that's one thing, but right now? You're just like them. There could be some other mother huffing and puffing that "EastMidsMum used to live in a shelter."

We all make mistakes. So the first thing is - how did you end up where you are? On paper it would probably look pretty shit, with a few mistakes along the education/career/relationship path, right? So you've made some fuckups and ended up in a shit area with no clear way out.

Just. Like. Everyone. Else. There.

OK, but you're different, you want out. Now - how?

I took stock of my life too, identified the errors, identified a way out. I'm training for a better job (self teaching because I can't afford tuition, due to having no money due to having no job.) I am making, er... changes to the problems in my relationship. I am improving my confidence. Yadda yadda.

Look at where you are. Look at how you got there. Look at how you can get out.

YOU, by the way. Don't be surprised if the husband has no interest in your goals to better yourself. They are surprisingly unsupportive and burdensome that way. This may need to be something you do yourself, alone, for your daughter.

Orroco · 04/07/2017 13:29

The dregs of society? Love you were in a hostel - what do you think you are?!

WillRikersExtraNipple · 04/07/2017 13:29

Why don't you move then?

ImperialBlether · 04/07/2017 13:32

People who live in hostels aren't the dregs of society! There are tons of reasons why the OP might have lived there - domestic violence for one.

HipsterHunter · 04/07/2017 13:32

YANBU to want better for your child.

What are you doing about it to make a change?

How are you looking to earn more money to afford a better area?

Is a better area/school more attractive than space e.g. could you rent a 1 bed flat and you and DP sleep in the sitting room?

How involved are you in your child's education and school?

QuiteLikely5 · 04/07/2017 13:35

Apply to another school?

Improve your career prospects and buy somewhere?

Spikeyball · 04/07/2017 13:37

Why are the other children the "dregs of society"?

SheldonsSpot · 04/07/2017 13:37

I suspect this is going to be one of those
"My life is so shit but there's nothing I can dooooooo... I can't take up any of your suggestions or advice because...." pity party threads.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 13:37

If we move to a better area we will be paying between £500 - £600 a month privately renting meaning we wont be able to save for a deposit on a mortage or afford other financial commitments. I have worked on and off but have been struggling with MH ( aspergers, ptsd and gad) my dh doesnt earn a huge amount and more to the point he doesnt want to move, he has his family here, his friends and has lived here all his life. I know dregs of society isnt a nice term but they really are, the kids are stealing as soon as they can walk. I had my purse stolen from my bag by one of them when I was pushing my dd on a swing at the local park a few weeks ago, the child was around 5-6 years old and thats not an exclusive incident it happens alot! I know what I can do about it, but without my dh being on board I am totally powerless.

OP posts:
Istoletherainbow · 04/07/2017 13:38

Hmm I understand wanting more, but yeah....I'm not sure this thread will be very sympathetic to you OP.

strikealight · 04/07/2017 13:39

I get what you are saying about fearing low aspirations in the area you live in . We have that too. However, you do yourself no favours by , in effect, turning on the other children.
Point outwards and do what you can to open your child's life to opportunities and education. Don't kick out at other people who are probably feeling a lot of what you are feeling.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/07/2017 13:39

People who live in hostels aren't the dregs of society! There are tons of reasons why the OP might have lived there - domestic violence for one

Neither are children that happen to live or attend schools in areas someone would describe as a chess pit how ever the op went there so one would figure she was quite comfortable with the generalisation

MrsOverTheRoad · 04/07/2017 13:40

Get your child's name down on the waiting lists for schools out of that area. Something WILL come up. It might take a year or two...but it will come up.

Speak to other schools to ask what the best way to go about it is.

My DD attended her first school until year 2 finished then she moved to a great school...it was worth that wait.

flickerty · 04/07/2017 13:41

Ooh Orroco harsh but..... op you lost any sympathy from me when you referred to the other children as dregs of society.

As others have asked what are you doing to improve your situation? Are you furthering your education? Looking for a job? A better job? Saving up?

Or are you sat watching daytime TV complaining about others that seem to have also been dealt a difficult hand?

You sound quite hypocritical.

Waiting for a massive drop feed now

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 13:43

sheldonspot oh and here comes Judgy McJudgleton on their Judgy little rampage judging me without a clue just how horrific my life has been. Give over

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 04/07/2017 13:44

Considering you have aspergers and GAD your lack of empathy is astonishing. Therefore I call BS

witsender · 04/07/2017 13:44

Hmmmm, I'm not sure why the 72% have ESL is in there, what has that to do with the 'dregs of society'? Hmm

WillRikersExtraNipple · 04/07/2017 13:44

You're the one judging. You can have all the high expectations you want but you can't afford them.

SheldonsSpot · 04/07/2017 13:45

Yep, I was right Grin