Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

The key thing that affects a Childs life chances is parental involvement / aspirations. So do all the stuff with dd that involved parents do. Read to her every day. Encourage her to be curious - including about the cultures and languages that surround her. Make the most of the hand you've been dealt. Do any homework the school set. Get her doing maths (ways to make 10 or whatever). Take her to interesting places, as she gets older, get her to plan the bus routes. Basically teach her that she Isa competent person, and she will become one. I do family work, and children listen to the messages they are given, so think what you are telling her by your behaviour and actions, and check it is in line with what you want it to be.

OP, you understand that some people would call you the dregs of society? Would you like that?

Also I didnt actually apply for this school, I applied for ones in a better area but got refused. I am still on the waiting lists but no chance of a place coming up before she starts.

You can have an enormous effect on education at home.

Set the bar high for yourself.

Thank you Love51 thats very beneficial advice.
Will - its not about whether Id like it, the rights or wrongs of it are irrelevant. They steal, they run riot, the parents are equally as bad (I see them regularly), they have no morals or manners and in general are not the type of kids Id feel comfortable sending my dd to for play dates and sleepovers.

You are not a snob for wanting something better.
I would really look into how you could manage that but the reality is that it will be very hard to do if your DH refuses to move (I have a similar situation btw. Moving would the best THE that would happen to me, for lots of different reasons. DH won't contemplate it).

A good question for you is: how resentful will you become of you stay there for a few more years because of your DH? How important is it for ydo u to get out of that area and would your DH be happy to be out your needs above his in that occasion? Would moving be an ok position for him to be in or completely impossible to manage? (Eg one reason why I have never usher the issue with my own DH is because I know he would find it extremely hard to move away from where we are. I'm not sure how he would cope with it - AS issues, special interest etc...)

I speak as someone who was brought up in one of the poorest boroughs in England and school life was mixed shall we say!

Some of us dregs are pleasant people.

It's not snobby to want better for yourself and for your child but I find it massively ironic that you're on your high horse looking down when you're hardly royalty yourself are you?

Frankly you sound like you want everything handed to you on a plate without having to work for it and that makes you the dregs of society frankly

none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact)

72% is exactly 'none' can't believe I never knew this

PurplePeppers - I am already resentful of him, which is affecting our marriage in all sorts of ways. He wants to stay close to his brother who is schzicoprenic(sp?) Hes in and out of hospital but when hes out he needs regular care. The care warden has been cut from our local budget so my dh goes there every day to help him with daily living, medication, cleaning etc. Which is why I cant force it so easily

Orroco Ive taken time out of work to recover and rebuild my mental health that I wasnt able to deal with for so many years due to on going court cases. I wasnt allowed to recieve the treatment I needed due to it affecting my evidence. EMDR can alter your memories - not ideal when youre being cross examained.

Use Love51's advice.

72% is alot - not none I know but no need to be pedantic Im more concerned that the teachers are going to focus so much on their development that my dd may fall behind, she already has an education pyschologist and speech therapy.

Before I checked the OPs "name" and I have taken the name as geographically correct, I thought she may live in an area which I used to know quite well but moved away many years ago.
The description of OPs area is the same as the area I used to know. It used to be an average place, not poor and not top notch either, people worked looked after their properties.
At some point this area became the go to place for certain people.
I never thought twice about walking around in the dark nights at any hour. I never felt unsafe.
I recently had an daytime appointment in that area and I was horrified at the state of the streets and buildings. I have read about how there are dangerous buildings but the owners have spent years neglecting the properties refusing to carry out repairs. Now the owners are refusing to consent to the demolition of the dangerous buildings.

It is just awful. I didn't feel safe there during the day and would not even venture there at night. I put the central locking on driving through the area and would not have submitted to any of the crimes currently going on there. They try to stop women drivers. There have been marches to improve the safety of women in the area. Police do nothing much at all. There is open drink drugs and prostitution, even I saw it. I would hate to live there. There are lovely buildings there going to waste.
I can quite see OPs point especially as she has ptsd, gad etc. I would want my child out of there.
OP could you perhaps let DD stay with DM from Monday to Friday to attend a school in that area. Is DM house far from you?

You aren't wrong or snobby to want better for your DD. Not at all. Do what you can to encourage her with school work and projects. Remember too, as my parents (both retired teachers) used to say, that around 90% of the influence on the child comes from home. You are already providing a good home and parenting.

You are wrong though to refer to the people around you, who's children go to school with your DD, as the dregs of society. That was certainly an ill-judged choice of phrase. Many of them could have fallen on hard times for a whole variety of reasons, just as you did.

User02 - by any chance is said area also known as the "red light district" of Derby? If so then yes you're correct. You have summed up where I live to a T. It used to be the poshest area of the city, private roads with gates, big businesses then it all went down the shitter.

I find it massively ironic that you're on your high horse looking down when you're hardly royalty yourself are you?

There's a difference between being just poor, plain and simple, and having no morals, etc.

Just because OP happens to be financially on the same level as the people in that area doesn't mean she has to be the same in attitude, etc.

Everyone deserves a safe place to live. You can't just tell someone she has to be happy with living in an area with a high crime rate because she can't afford better.

Or that she's "not better" than ... well, the people who are making the crime rate high.

Unless you think that money is all that matters.

OP, you are probably not the only person who wonders how the fuck she ended up in that area and doesn't like the "culture". Be optimistic, perhaps there's other people like you and you can make friends.

Sounds like you live in a scummy area.
You have 2 choices:

1. Move
2. Accept your situation

If you cannot find more money for 1), then start working on 2).

Your sense of entitlement is very unattractive.

EastMidsMumof1 - I have never been to Derby. I have just checked and Derby is about 300 miles away from the area I was talking about. It seems to me that despite the 300 miles difference the situation is these areas is the same.

I totally understand your wish to take your child out of the area and the local school. I would too. That is why I suggested letting DD stay with DM to get into a good school.
I also understand the fear of going out of the house. Every bad experience builds on the last one and it all gets too much. I have had bad experiences around my home for other reasons and it is so hard to have the confidence to go out. Try hard yourself to do a new thing everyday.
I did wonder why DH is so insistent on staying in the area. The info that his DBro needs his support made me wonder if the locality had anything to do with DBro getting into this state. However I do think that DH should put your and DD's comfort first and help to get you to a place where you feel more comfortable, you wont be cured over night. Are there any other family who could help with DBro.

So, you are trashing the area your husband has lived all his life with his family and friends -- and are surprised he is unsupportive? I mean my spouse and I mock the areas we grew up in relentlessly but...I'd be pretty defensive if my spouse or anyone called where I grew up a cess pit filled with the dregs of society. You realize it could be seen that you're calling your husband all that negative stuff, right, before getting to calling kids that.

I'm in an educational black spot where the catchment secondary has less than a third of kids leaving with basic qualifications (and issues of violence and sexual harassment and poor pastoral care and staff hiding stuff the whole area knows about) along with the other crap of it being pretty much all White Brits - most are nice but with the EDL being rife - one of the few areas to still have UKIP councillors - there are plenty of no-go areas for the rest of us. The best secondary around here with well over 90% for years has a high percentage of EAL kids but way out of the way and expensive, so I'll take a more convenient area and mostly nice neighbours for avoiding the park at certain times and having to tell some mums their Y5+ age sons are spouting porn crap at younger girls (I was strongly tempted to move after that first happened, though they seemed to have learned now that we can hear what they're saying in most of the park and I will tell their parents which seems to have discouraged it for a while).

We're home educating until Year 10 when they can go to closer safer technical school though that means my spouse and I have altered our career paths to make that happen. There are plenty of ways to make your kids education better these days no matter what area you live in -- and plenty of ways to make areas better. Areas are made by the people in them which includes each of us.

DN4 - Areas can change especially if we are talking about 30 or 40 or even more years. They can change for the better and for the worse.
OP's DH has lived there all his life and I can see that he would have emotional attachment to the area as well as his family. He just needs to take the blinkers off and see the reality.

I am sure the whole point of being a parent is to do and get the best we possibly can for our respective children in life. We don't generally want to see them having problems of any kind.
I don't think it is right that both OP's area or the area I used to know well are allowed to descend into the awful places they have become. (I can only speak for the area I know, but as far as I can gather OP's area is pretty much the same as the area I know, I feel sorry for the ordinary decent folks who did not move out before the descent)

You're not being unreasonable at all in having high standards for your child. However, have you looked around the school and met the teachers? It seems a bit unfair to write it all off without seeing it yourself if you haven't. Also I teach in a diverse school with a lot of EAL - a lot of those children have parents who really value education and have very high standards for their children. There should also (although with the budget cuts maybe not nowadays) be extra specialist help for those EAL children.

My dh agrees this is a cess pit, in the 70s when his family first came to this country and moved to this area it wasnt that bad but even they agree if they had school age kids now theyd avoid this area like the plague. Unless you have lived here or similar then you really have no idea how bad it is, me calling them the dregs of society is really an improvement on what they are. Theyre the ones making this place a fucking hell hole and If my "entitlement" for wanting a better life makes me a bad person then shoot me! It has very little to do with poverty, I grew up fairly poor but didnt turn into a vandal, theif or a criminal. These people know how to play the system, the amount of times Ive phoned the police because Ive had them breaking into my garden or using my wheelie bin to try and get through open windows is unreal yet when the police do come because they cant speak English they barely get a slap on the risk its a joke!

Rainy - yes the teachers themselves seem nice, but judging by the ofsted report they all have poor leadership skills and quality of teaching. The attendance level is appaling so I doubt these parents really want the best quality of education but of course there will be exceptions

User02 This area has is a dumping ground, the council and the police have given up on it. Every other corner theres a sign about kerb crawling, go further down the same road and youll see a prostitute with a punter. No alcohol zones everywhere decorated with smashed bottles and herion needles. Its disgusting, sad but also my reality. Sometimes I wonder if my GAD would improve if I wasnt living here.