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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

243 replies

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 13:00

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 04/07/2017 13:45

Oh and you should have thought about these things before you had a child and planned much better when choosing your partner and your career choice

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RebornSlippy · 04/07/2017 13:48

Au contraire. Happiness does, indeed, conquer all.

Get a job.

Stopnamechanging · 04/07/2017 13:49

Neither are children that happen to live or attend schools in areas someone would describe as a chess pit how ever the op went there so one would figure she was quite comfortable with the generalisation

Absolutely agree, just what I was thinking too.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 13:56

Ok sorry for drip feeding - between 2008 - 09 whilst I was around 14 I was being groomed and abused in this area and went through a huge court case lasting around 3 years. I met my then partner and we had our dd 2 years later, he turned violent so I left him after that I recieved my 2 months notice and left to stay with my mother (also mentally ill) she couldnt handle me being there so offered to look after my dd while I stayed in a hostel I then met my now dh and here we are today.

OP posts:

Mothervulva · 04/07/2017 13:57

Well it is snobby for sure, wrong, I don't know. Why is the school so awful? It won't be that so many can't speak English, it'll be their second language. I've taught a fair few Roma children, they were some of the nicest children I taught. If the school is under pressure hopefully there'll be some changes soon. If you're keen on education then your daughter will off to a good start. As for your area, well if you're saving that's the best you can do at the moment.

lanouvelleheloise · 04/07/2017 13:57

"the dregs of society"

This is an absolutely horrible way to think and speak about other people. Your post sounds full of class discrimination, with a little side of racial prejudice thrown in. Ugh, just ugh.

FWIW, I went to what you would probably describe as a "dregs of society" school in a "cess-pit" of an area. I ended up with a PhD. But I did have to battle a lot of class prejudice along the way (along with the usual sexism), and I still have to fight it now, though less regularly and with less ferocity than I used to. Rather than contributing to the problem of denigrating whole groups and sectors of society, why don't you start trying to be part of the solution?

VeryButchyRestingFace · 04/07/2017 13:58

I then met my now dh and here we are today.

What are the schools like in your mum's neck of the woods?

flickerty · 04/07/2017 14:03

I knew there would be a drip feed like this.

Well, you've certainly been through it.

But can't you see, from your own experiences, that not everyone that lives in that area is going to be the dregs of society. You don't know anyone else's story - just like we didn't know yours.
I find it so depressing that you can judge others that are in the same 'physical' situation as you knowing what you've been through. Sigh.

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting better, anyone without aspirations is sad. But cmon, don't assume these EAL students and traveller families are all dregs. PLEASE.

RebornSlippy · 04/07/2017 14:03

It seems you've had a hard trot and in answer to your question, no it is not unreasonable to have high expectations. However, there is a world of difference between expectation and entitlement. At this minute in time, you do not financially contribute to your lifestyle, therefore you are not entitled to anything more than you have. C'est la vie.

I repeat, get a job. There are people out there who have far greater hurdles to cross every day, but they do it and they get out there and work for what they have. Be that person and a good role model for your kid. Don't be the person who sits and judges and moans all around them while doing precisely fuck all about their situation.

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 14:03

The schools in my mums area are amazing, but the house prices are far out of our range.

OP posts:

Herbpatch · 04/07/2017 14:08

No one will fault your wish for a better life for your children, or for being alarmed by criminal behaviour in your area. However, to some people frankly unpleasant ones, who haven't needed to deal with homelessness and comparative poverty someone with MH issues who was formerly in a hostel is also one of the 'dregs of society'. You know better, obviously, and you know you have aspirations and plans, which are probably shared by many of the parents at your child's school. If they're migrants, they've uprooted themselves from everything they know in order to better their lives.

Don't waste your energy denigrating people -- put it into planning. Can you apply for other schools, even if they're a bit of a trek? Failing that, get involved and work to improve the one you're in. If saving for a deposit means you have to spend years living somewhere with failing schools and high crime, is a better plan to spend more money renting somewhere better, and figuring out how to earn more money?

I'm afraid I wouldn't allow a partner's preference for living close to family and friends dictate where I lived. Is your DH your DD's dad?

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 14:12

Im not judging to be a bitch, Im just scared for my dd. I didnt want this life for her, I didnt plan any of this and Im still really struggling with leaving the house on my own ( I posted about this before on the MH thread) to the "get a job" comments, I have worked infact Ive worked very hard. I was an ambassador for the CSE charity that helped me, running workshops to educate kids and professionals on ways they can tackle CSE more effectively. I blocked out everything to mentally survive but once I felt safe and not in "survivor mode" my mind stopped blocking things out and Id experience panic attacks/flashbacks daily hence why I left work for a while to recover.

OP posts:

Herbpatch · 04/07/2017 14:14

Sorry, x-post with you, OP. You've had a horrible time, and no one around you is being very helpful. I can't believe your mother effectively separated you and your daughter.

ImperialBlether · 04/07/2017 14:15

I wouldn't think about buying somewhere at the moment. I'd get a place in the best area I could.

ImperialBlether · 04/07/2017 14:15

Are you in Rochdale, OP?

coffeekittens · 04/07/2017 14:16

Anyone else curious as to what area the OP lives in with these three year old thieves?

Speaking from experience myself £500-£600 a months rent surely you should be able to afford on DH's wage alone? Unless you're up to your eyeballs in debt? I managed as a single parent renting a £600 pcm house on a low income with no financial support from exh

MrsJayy · 04/07/2017 14:17

People say oh it can't be that bad are not living your life where you live sounds rough however you can move you don't need to live in the middle of it buying a house is not the be all i think you need to use your savings to move out and rent elsewhere even if it is away from the area slightly .

RebornSlippy · 04/07/2017 14:19

With respect, OP, if you want to improve your location, you must improve yourself in order to fund the move. If your mental health is such that you cannot work or normally function, I feel it wouldn't matter where you live. You can't outrun it.

Work on that first and take it from there. A step at a time. Get yourself and then your house in order.

TheStoic · 04/07/2017 14:21

I think you absolutely should be 'snobby', if that means getting yourself and your child out of there.

But who cares what anyone else thinks. You do whatever you need to do to give yourself and your family the best chance possible.

MonumenalFuckup · 04/07/2017 14:22

I think it's sad that your experiences have not left you any the wiser as to why those other people might be in shit situations too.

Yes, you've had a truly awful time. That doesn't give you a free pass to dismiss other people as below you.

I hope you can muddle a way forward and find somewhere to live that you're happier with.

sparechange · 04/07/2017 14:23

You don't like the area because it is full of the dregs of society, but your DH, and all his friends and family are from there?

You realise you are calling your own DH and his family 'the dregs of society', right?

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 14:26

If you lived in the same area as me you would also see them as dregs of society, not once did I say it was their fault but that still doesnt mean I want my dd in that sort of enviroment.

OP posts:

Coddiwomple · 04/07/2017 14:27

You are not snobby or wrong, most people agree with you otherwise why would they bother spending a fortune in mortgage or rent to be nearer the "good" schools and the so-called good areas?

I agree with above, get a job, move to a much cheaper area - a nice one where you get more for your money in another part of the country? If you can find a rental for 5-600 in your are, it might be difficult, this amount is "nothing" in my area.

If you can't hold a regular job for any reason, and don't have a regular income, you have no way of getting a mortgage, an will struggle to pay rent. You need to address that first.

People are a bit mean here, no one will be happy to send their kids to a problem school!

Original poster

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 14:32

SpareChange tbh Im not keen on them either. My dh being the exception most of the time

OP posts:

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