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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

243 replies

EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 13:00

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

OP posts:
Original poster
EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 16:33

*wrist not risk!!

OP posts:
PurplePeppers · 04/07/2017 16:35

Being in love with someone doesn't mean you have also love the lace where he grew up Confused. The place where he grew up shouod bear no relationhsip or say anything about him as a person really.

Plus areas can change a lot in 20 years.

strikealight · 04/07/2017 16:37

How utterly unrealistic is it for you to move?
I would move anywhere and take any (legal) job to get away from what you have described.

violetgreeneyes · 04/07/2017 16:37

Unfortunately, as you live there in the cess pit with the dregs - you are one of them! So do something about it to improve your lot or stop bitching about it.

PurplePeppers · 04/07/2017 16:40

I susoectvthat you will have to make a decision about your relationhsip and about where you live.

I agree that the location will have an impact on your health.
It will have an impact on your dd, her education and her quality of life (e.g. If she can never go in a play date, go and play outside etc etc).
And clearly it already has impact on your relationship (even though I fully appreciate that your DH is in a very hard position - choosing between your dw and your dbro isn't a choice I would want to make TBH).

Could you look at other possible arrangements? Someone was proposing your dd to live with your DM. But what about you living somewhere better with your dd during the week and spending the weekend with your DH? Not an usual situation to be in.
Somewhere better but close enough so your DH can still pop round?

upperlimit · 04/07/2017 16:41

You can do a lot to insulate a child from the worst of an area but, from what you have described in subsequent posts, I think that might be an impossible task for you.

If it is as grim as you make it sound and this isn't exaggerated for effect, I'd leave and invite my.dh to join me, his choice.

randomer · 04/07/2017 16:41

Just because English is a second language it doesn't make them dim or nasty

strikealight · 04/07/2017 16:41

Your dh needs to agree to move or you move without him.

Everanewbie · 04/07/2017 16:42

You'll get slaughtered on here OP for the words you've used, but i get you sentiment.

The harsh reality is, at a risk of sounding all Katie Hopkins, is that to get out you and possibly OH will have to study, train, work, study some more and graft if you want to get out.

Take ownership and go for it. All my very best wishes to you. Have faith. Flowers

Original poster
EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 16:43

Have you read the full thread Violet? Im the "dregs" for wanting to better my life for my dds sake instead of committing crimes and being generally antisocial just because I live in a shit area?Hmm the area is shit because of these fucking dregs how is that so hard to understand?

OP posts:
BabsGanoush · 04/07/2017 16:44

OP don't use your ptsd, AS etc as an excuse not to better yourself - you are just going to have to deal with it and work harder.

strikealight · 04/07/2017 16:47

I live in a shit area op (my husband's home turf) but it sounds like paradise compared to yours. Seriously, move away. Your husband is being an idiot if he thinks you are a snob. Yes, your language is not particularly nice to describe other people but it sounds like you are getting tested by some horrible shit on a regular basis.

Original poster
EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 16:47

English is my dhs second language but atleast his parents took the time to learn it and teach it to their children when they decided to live in an English speaking country. Im not using the non English speaking as a reason for them being dregs - Im worried about my dd not having the amount of help she needs or not challenging her enough because the rest are already so far behind.

OP posts:
Original poster
EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 16:50

Im not using my MH as an excuse, Im receiving intense treatment which I feel is more important than working, my dh has a good job so financially we are comfortable. I loved working, I had two great jobs but I needed to take time out to heal.

OP posts:
DotForShort · 04/07/2017 16:54

Of course it is not wrong to want the best and safest environment for your child. I would imagine many of your neighbours feel precisely the same, even those you refer to as the dregs of society. BTW, the children who are English language learners will become bilingual soon enough. They are quite fortunate, as bilingualism is quite an advantage in life.

Original poster
EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 16:57

Thank you for the PPs with kind words and support. Im not blaming these kids for being bad, they deserve better too but their parents actually like living in an area where they can run around like rabid dogs and no one will bat an eyelid. This is our reality, its becoming normal for us but I dont want it to become normal for my dd. Dregs of society may seem harsh, unless your the one living with them.

OP posts:
randomer · 04/07/2017 16:59

A second language learner is not behind. Infact their brains actually are forming in an Advanced way

KimmySchmidt1 · 04/07/2017 17:05

incredibly mature and smart advice from poster Cirandeira

Original poster
EastMidsMumOf1 · 04/07/2017 17:05

, I cant live with my mum as both our MH issues clash. Shes the only family I have, the rest live back in London where Im originally from. I dont have friends who I can stay with, I dont really have anyone apart from my dh (not looking for pity before people jump on me) the only way I can move is if I convince my DH. He doesnt want to leave is DBro, his brother has been his brother for alot longer than Ive been his wife so I feel extremely uneasy making him choose.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 04/07/2017 17:10

Lots of immigrant children go to inner city schools and make great things of themselves. Schools in London with high proportions of immigrant children are doing particularly well at the moment.

The truth is that school is only part of the story, so if you can't move areas for financial reasons immediately, then put all your energy into supporting your daughter outside of school hours with reading, homework, having great novels and factual books in the house for her to pick up, take her on days out to historical places, broaden her education as much as you can.

Whether a home has bookshelves with books on them is the single biggest indicator of a child's academic success.

strikealight · 04/07/2017 17:12

He needs to decide- his brother or his wife and daughter. He can still keep in positive regular contact with his brother but he needs to get his dd out of such a toxic situation. Anywhere is better by the sounds of it.

strikealight · 04/07/2017 17:16

As others have said: read, engage, just show her the wider world even if it is just online.
Try a subscription to The Week Junior.
And plan to leave.

PurplePeppers · 04/07/2017 17:18

Oh come on. We all know that being an 'immigrant' doesn't make one stupid or unable to get good grades.
That's not the OP's issue. Her issue is with drug dealing, fights, living in a unsafe area, stealing etc etc.

OP I would start a new thread asking for ideas on how to go round the issue of you not being able to carry on living where you are and your DH needing to still be close to his dbro.
Try and not make it as an OR choice (there OR here) but looking at a different way of living your life that would accomodate both of you.

Other options would be for your DH to go to see his dbro every other day and for someone else to step in the other days, maybe have a carer (SS or paying one privately?) if no other family/friend can step in.
In effect, its about thinking out of the box to find a solution that would work for both of you.

strikealight · 04/07/2017 17:23

I'm missed about your BIL poor health and agree now with a pp who said don't make it an either/or.
Can dh afford private care for him at least part of the time.

drspouse · 04/07/2017 17:26

Children of immigrants usually do better at school than children of British families.
So for a start YABVVVVU for assuming that such families won't have their children's academic progress as a priority.
Other than the makeup of the pupils, which frankly seems like an outright racist comment, and the head teacher status, what do you know about the school? What comments were made by Ofsted, positive or negative (usually much more revealing than the actual grade)?
What's their value added score like? I'm willing to be they are progressing their pupils more than the "amazing" schools near your mum.
What's their ethos like? How was the school when you looked round? Or did you just assume? Do they seem caring? Able to stretch pupils (are your children in need of stretching?) or help those struggling (do you feel your DCs may struggle)?

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