Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

Aah yes, and now the victim blaming.

Dust - Im beyond frustrated, Ive tried the nice approach and way of thinking towards the kids in this area but its not worked, my DH doesnt listen, I dont have RL people who I can vent to, the police do sod all, I have no way of voicing what is happening in a way that may seem socially acceptable. Also I do still volunteer with the charity but from home, I offer support for those going through court cases and give advice to parents with children who have been sexually exploited or at risk of via skype. I never worked with them for payment and I dont think I ever would, if it wasnt for that charity I probably wouldnt be here today so Im eternally grateful to them. The triggers are awful, sometimes its almost like a "deja vu" but feeling everything I felt at the time, the smells, emotions, the physical pain and then usually followed by a convulsion. I take propanolol for the GAD but it doesnt scratch the surface if im triggered.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but I can see people, have jumped on the posters use of certain words.

You have had a tough time in life op and I think you have been given a harsh ride here in this thread.

To add to the thread there are definite hard statistics on educational outcomes and race. People can look at the Gov UK ones here at
www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/399005/SFR06_2015_Text.pdf

Page 8 gives them in detail. Stereotypes are often damaging but Roma children come out bottom because for whatever reason they are not pushed in to education. Chinese dc come out on top and there is the whole Tiger Mother stereotype.

As much as the raw material of a childs natural level of intelligence and their home environment is a huge factor, your peers have an effect on your education.

I studied this as part of my degree many moons ago. What you have suffered here op is virtue signalling keyboard warriors. They may live in a beautiful leafy suburb and never ever have had to deal with anything in their life even remotely like you. Or they may indeed live in a grim area. Who knows but I detest the way some posters have attacked you on this thread.

I'm from an unusual background and I'm not white, my siblings remain in minimum wage jobs. I educated myself out of poverty, it can be done op and I wish you the best.

Having lived through PTSD myself ( it still lurks) I can only imagine how hard it must be facing triggers ever day and still trying to do the right thing.

Teabag - I wouldnt feel this way if they werent criminals though would I? I can barely leave my house let alone "disrespect" them. The question is, would you respect someone who damages/ breaks in to your property? Nope? Exactly.

What you have suffered here op is virtue signalling keyboard warriors. They may live in a beautiful leafy suburb and never ever have had to deal with anything in their life even remotely like you. Or they may indeed live in a grim area.

Well, I am a 'dreg', or 'former dreg of society'. Even at my rough primary school, no one would play with me because I lived in a notorious estate between the city dump and a Travellers' halting site -- and the Travellers wouldn't play with me either because I was 'settled'. I educated myself out of poverty, despite no encouragement at home. My parents left school at 12 and were (and still are) suspicious of educational achievement.

OP, you've survived horrors and are clearly still dealing with the consequences. I think that the vast majority of posters can see that your environment isn't doing your recovery any favours but venting (even if its entirely understandable) about your criminal neighbours isn't going to change the area. It's clear that you need to work out a plan to leave, either with or without your husband and I get that he has responsibilities towards his brother, but you have a responsibility to your own mental health and your daughter. There will be a way of doing this, but it may involve very difficult choices, like whether the value of your marriage is balanced out by having to stay in your area, or whether using the money currently spent on your therapy to pay rent somewhere less difficult would be a better decision for your MH for now.

That was an interesting read PeanutButter, its sad how Romas fall through the net. Its true alot of them arent pushed to education hence why my dds soon to be school have such an awful attendence percentage, they have students leave every week and new ones starting due to the parents just not bothering. I would love to post the actual report for the school but dont want to out myself too much.

It's fine to want to live somewhere better and have a better future for your children.

It's not fine to write people of different ethnicity off as the dregs of society. It's quite hideous, actually, especially when you would want to hope that other people didn't regard you in the same way for having a neurological disability and a traumatic start to your adult life.

Move when you are comfortably able to and take baby steps. Buying a house isn't the immediate be all and end all and a guarantee of living in a great area. More importantly, spend some time reflecting on your attitudes towards other people because teaching your DD to be truly reflective about other people's situations and have a bit of empathy, even if, on reflection, they don't live their lives the way she would want to, would go a long way towards giving her the soft skills to, firstly, not be as vulnerable as you were and, secondly, have a better chance of a fulfilling school life and adulthood.

I know venting isnt going to change the area by any means, but I felt I was going to combust if I didnt vent just a little bit. Im upset that DH doesnt see what I see on a daily basis but hopefully if he takes the 3 weeks off he will and it may just give him the reality check that we need to get the hell out of here. If he doesnt then I know the only way out is if I move me and my dd, only slight issue I have is without employment getting a private rented property is like finding a needle in a haystack, all the dss ones are in this area and legally I will be classed as married I wouldnt be entitled to benefits either. Which is why Im trying so hard to convince Dh and/or waiting until my MH is more managable for me to return to work.

Wanting and actively looking for solutions for a better life? Nothing wrong at all with that. Moaning and thinking you're better than everyone else, yet carrying on with your mundane existence everyday? Get over yourself.

And, of course the criminal behaviour is wrong. I have lived in predominantly white English Ares where there are kids just as out of control, though.

I'd up the ante with your dh and make it clear that, as soon as you have a deposit etc, you are going to look for another home, with or without him. Feeling safe would help your MH far more than anything else.

Dregs of society = anti social criminals, not "one ethnic group" just because they happen to be Romas and Ive stated that fact it does not make it a racially fuelled statement, Id be calling them dregs regardless of their race. What does frustrate me is how the police are too PC to intervene with the behaviour in this area because the culprits in question are unable to speak English. The ones who can are dealt with accordingly, its a total shambles.

Can you not look for a house exchange? Council waiting lists can take years if you're in accommodation you're at the bottom of the pile now. If you're in a minority in your area I can sympathise, I've lived in 'rough' areas when my babies were small, and I too was in a hostel, and I wanted better so I moved to a predominantly English speaking area, but had to give up my house with the council and move into private rented. It is possible if you want it badly enough. There may be an ethnic family that's been put in a house in a 'white' area and would rather be where you are.

So in answer to your original question, OP, I don't think YABU for having high expectations or wanting the best for your DD. As many PPs have said, the question is, what are you doing about it?

Short-term, it looks to me as though your MH issues have to be the priority, and from what you've said, you're dealing with those. Until you're able to function well, get a job and so on, there's little chance that you'll be able to change other things. I hope the therapy you're undergoing is successful - it's not an approach I've ever heard of, but I hope it works well and gets you to a better place.

Given that you're (rightly in my view) prioritising your MH for the time being, you've got to find a way of living in your current area for now. You've been given some good advice about how to support your DD at home with her education. I would also suggest you try to find other families who are like yourself - people who've found themselves in a grotty area through no fault of their own, but are decent human beings doing the best they can to get by. I don't know your area but I've lived in bad places myself, and I know those people will be there. Be open to finding them - mutual support is really crucial in surviving life in difficult places.

In the longer term, once your MH is under control, hopefully you'll be able to get a job paying a reasonable salary and then you'll have more choices. That'll be the time for a good, hard look at your relationship. Either you and your DP have to come to a shared understanding of what you want from life and where you want to be, or if you can't, be prepared for it to mean the end of that relationship. I'm not saying it would necessarily come to that, but if you can't come to an agreement about where you both want to live, it's hard to see your future together. This, however, is for the future when you're in a better place MH-wise.

Some of your word choices aren't great. I understand your need to vent, and the frustration of living in a situation you hate and which seems beyond your control. I've no idea whether you use words like this in real life - but do try to be careful, because if you do, you could alienate the few people in your locality who might be your friends. Just a thought.

Sunshine - have you not read my PPs? Did you miss the post where I said Im recieving treatment for my MH and still trying to convince DH as he doesnt want to leave his schizophrenic brother? I know the solution, but circumstances arent going hand in hand with it right now.

Do letting agents do house exchanges? I cant get on the council list as Im classed as adequately housed ( Ive tried). Also you say about ethnic familys wishing they lived in this area, my Dh is from minority ethnic background which also plays a role on where he wants to live as he has his "ethnic community" in this area too so I do totally agree with you on that one.

Sorry I was meant to put ethnic minority families, forgot to preview my post

I do feel for you, OP, but the only one who can change your situation is you.

If money is the issue, then now is not the time to be saving for a mortgage. If you can't reduce your therapy costs down then you'll need to look elsewhere for extra money. I don't see a problem with a suggestion further up of you doing a couple of hours a day. It doesn't have to be taxing work and their is significant studies to support the theory that working is good for MH. That would cover the additional required to rent in a nicer place.

EMDR twice weekly seems far too intense. Are you sure that's the best approach - typically it takes place once weekly. It's a bit unusual that you are having that you are having a second course (though not unheard of), but perhaps this isn't the right thing for you at the moment?

As for your DH - you make it clear that you need to move for your own wellbeing and that of your daughter, and he can either come with you or you leave him. How far away would you need to move anyway? Surely you could move to a much nicer area less than 30 mins away so still close to DH's brother and family?

Regardless of how you do it, it's up to you to get things sorted. No one else will do it for you.

As for the question - I don't think you are BU for wanted better things, but you do come across as snobby. Purely for the fact that you are looking down on the area/situation but aren't actually doing anything to better yourself. The people around you will have a rubbish life too and are just as much 'victims of circumstance' as you are. You can't take a moral high ground but not actually make changes yourself.

Good luck.

I understand now probably isnt the time to save for a mortage and will alter my saving plans accordingly. My treatment plan wasnt actually set up by me, it was discussed between professionals both nhs and private that if I was to undertake the EMDR, it should be twice weekly for a period of 8 weeks then I use the NHS pyschotherapy for 3 months then have a short break to assess my progress, Im under the MH act so its all through my CPN. Also Im not sure if I mentioned it in a PP but with the agreement I have with SS a part of that is I continue treatment or I run the risk of my DD being sent to live with her dad. And as Im a victim of circumstance does that give me the right to cause harm and distress to others? Because if thats their "excuse" it doesnt wash with me.

In response to pps accusations of hypocrisy, it's the opposite on my behalf. Because I've been in a very similar situation myself, except without a dh or any other income/ support.

The area I live in now is still deprived and would be described as rough by many, but socially is a lot nicer than ops with a minority of families like in the op, it is more straightforward poverty/ low income. And I made the decision to skint myself paying the rent to live here, rather than an area like the ops. So if I could pay the same rent a decade ago, whilst living below the breadline, then there is no way the op can't now with a dh working ft, and the opportunity for two ft incomes in future. Only difference is I made it a priority instead of just expecting it.

Brilliant, lurked. Really mean that.
The thing a lot of people are missing is that op has mental health problems and that makes difficult decision making even harder. Sounds to me op is trying to emerge from survival mode and that is really tough when the people around you don't seem to have your back.

OP, two things strike me.

Are you sure that continuing the volunteering for the charity who supported you through your court case is helpful to your recovery?

Can you explain to your DH that you are fearful of leaving the home because of the people living around you. If you moved, you would be probably feel stronger about leaving the home and your ability to work (and earn income) would return.

Unless you move, you will just have to make the best of the situation you're in. There is no other choice. Have an open mind about your DD's classmates. Get involved with her school. Be a strong and positive role model for her so that sh doesn't pick up bad ways from others. Try to be open minded about the other parents - you might well discover that one or two of them are in the same situation as you through no fault of their own. Speak to the speech therapist and education psychologist about your concerns and ask their advice.

You've had a shitty time, and f course you want your DD to have better prospects. But it's up to you to make that happen.

Lurked - I'm not expecting anything outrageous, all I want is for my DH to be behind me on such a massive aspect of our lives and to be told I'm reasonable in feeling the way I do. I'm not looking for a fix all cure, I'm already taking steps and I know one day we will leave, but right now its hard for me to deal with hence the amount of anger in my post. Not every vent or AIBU is a open invite to anyone and everyone to start dictating whether I should get a job, leave DH, do more about my situation or deal with it - I'm hardly a rocket scientist but I do know a few things. I just needed some reassurance.
Strike - couldnt of put it better myself. I question myself intensely with any decision I make, sometimes its just nice not to feel so crazy if the ones around you agree too.

Not every vent or AIBU is a open invite to anyone and everyone to start dictating whether I should get a job, leave DH, do more about my situation or deal with it - I'm hardly a rocket scientist but I do know a few things. I just needed some reassurance.
No, but there are a lot of posts that are helpful where people are rightly pointing out that the disagreement between you and DH may well be a deal breaker the longer this goes on.
A lot of posters aren't dictating your life but they are giving practical suggestions on how the situation may improve. Otherwise it's just wallowing in a bad situation and that doesn't improve thing or you.

It's starting to sound as though you have a DH problem.

I think that's your biggest issue, not where you live.