Is it unreasonable to have high expectations?

[EastMidsMumOf1]

My dh thinks Im a snob because I hate living in a shit area and having to send my dd to a shit school. I know kids dont care about these things and Im sure my dd will still have a equally happy childhood, but happiness doesn't conquer all. The school she is due to start in September has awful ofsted reports, none of the kids speak English(72% to be exact), there are students leaving every week and new ones starting as they are predominantly Roma Gypsy kids so always on the move and they only have an interim headteacher. I never chose the area I live in as I was in a hostel before hand so something was better than nothing, although it was never meant to be long term here I am after nearly 3 years stuck in a cess pit of an area and having to send my daughter to an equally cess pit-y school with the dregs of society. I just wanted better for her, is this so wrong and snobby?

The tough language Im using may seem harsh but Im not saying JUST Roma Gypsies or ALL Roma gypsies are a problem. Im concerned on how a school with an already inadequate report manages to meet the needs of the minority speaking English when they have a higher demand for the needs of the non English speaking and also have poor teaching standards. My dd has speech delays and is under a educational pyschologist, I want to make sure she is going to be in school where I know staff are competent in meeting her needs. Plus the kids that I saw at her induction are the younger siblings of the older kids causing problems, do I really want my dd going to their house? Not a chance. Whether they are white, black, pink or bloody purple if theyre going to behave in that way then they can piss right on off!

At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious is there no other school that they could go to?

If it's the area in Derby I think it is you need to put a plan together. Your BIL should move with you too, possibly staying with you until he has his own place.

There is absolutely no funding for anything in that area. Also 72% ESL would be seen as a positive by me because it's British White who are the problem, not immigrants.

Personally I start by speaking to your therapist about this. How you have this as a goal and you need help taking action. I also don't blame you for not wanting to raise your family in that area.

I moved into a tiny 1 bed cottage in a decent area to get my kids into a good school. It cost me £500 a month and I slept in the lounge. The kids had the tumble drier in their bedroom. I worked minimum wage jobs for years (shit childcare, no help from their Dad) and got tax credits / housing benefit.
No doubt as the only single mum in the village, I was looked down on somewhat by some parents at school. I fostered an immigrant teenage girl a bit further along (that went down well haha). It wasn't easy but we're all doing OK....both my kids at uni/college, and my foster daughter is studying Law, and I have my own thriving business.
You will have to make sacrifices to move and there's no way round it.
Any reason your DH's brother can't move nearer you or in with you?
Any reason you can't go to college and do a foundation degree course?
Do you have any ideas how to raise any extra cash / save up?
I understand your MH issues but if you worked a little bit you could easily afford the extra £100 a month in rent to move.

I'm not overly bothered about your comments, although your use of language is pretty offensive. I wouldn't fancy living in the area you described and totally understand why you want your child to go to a different school.

The issue that screams at me is your reluctance/inability to secure employment to facilitate this move. Why should it all be on your husband's shoulders when he is already working 6 days a week? It's beyond frustrating to listen to you. So yes, OP, I do feel you are coming across as entitled.

You say you need time to "heal". So, concentrate on that. From the figures you've given, €200 a month would see you able to rent in a different area? A pp had the excellent suggestion of trying to secure a little cleaning job which would easily bring in the required €50 a week. Why can't you do that?

Help yourself.

Is there anywhere you could move to, within budget, where your DD would have access to a "better" school, but where your DH could still easily visit his brother?

If your DD is going to have to join the local school, do what you can to improve her school experience and benefit her education. Would you, for example, be able to go in and hear the children read? Sharpen pencils? Hand out library books? Maybe not in your DD's year at first, but I bet higher up the school they are desperate for help. If they have a school fete, go along and support it. Let your DD go to the discos, film nights, whatever they have. The school will welcome your support. If you are unable to go into school, make sure DD does her homework, wears the correct uniform etc.

Out of school, starting tomorrow if you don't already, make sure you or DH read to her every day. Got to the library, if you can, and borrow books. Each library will have a Summertime Reading Challenge which your DD can join. Talk to her about her day. Take her to museums and the like. If you don't know of anything suitable, I'm sure MumsNetters can help if you give the postcode where you live.

I hope all goes well for your little one.

BitchQueen - yes thats the ticket. I did have a lovely flat for the same price, nice little area near town but they served me my notice 10 months down the line.
And as for the silver platter lark, I HAVE worked very hard, with the law firm I was an apprentice at AND being an ambassador for a charity but despite what you may say, you cannot choose the hand you are dealt when it comes to circumstance. In my eyes when I had my flat, jobs and dd living in a nice area that was my hard work paid off but when I got kicked out of there and then had to leave my mums to move into a hostel it all went fucking tits up yet now when I want some time to rebuild my mental health Im the bad guy. Makes sense

FGS, OP. Poor you

Take all the time in the world you need to rebuild your mental health as you put it. But then don't expect to be able to better your living conditions in the meantime. Get better. Get a job. Get out. You can't have it every way. You just can't.

Sort your head out and then fulfill your 'high expectations'. I'm not exactly sure of the actual point of this thread. It's pretty basic stuff. You want more than you can afford. How are you going to afford it? Well, ding ding, get a job. If you can't work at the minute, sort yourself out and then get a job. Then you can afford to move.

It's really pretty fucking simple.

I grew up on a council estate, with gangs, knife crime violence was rife. Drug users drinkers every where it was horrid. But my parents always taught me its not where you live but how.

Reborn - what areas are you looking at where I can rent at £200 a month?
Im receiving treatment right now twice a week, I cant leave the house alone due to the panic attacks. Im hoping for it to be finished in the next year or so as its costing a fortune. Once I feel well enough I will go back into work in a heartbeat, I loved my jobs.
Also we cant have DB stay with us, hes not mentally sound enough to be around a young child - very unpredictable episodes.

I didnt apply for this school as it is the worse one, but dd got refused for every other one in the area.

€200 on top of the €420 you are currently paying and affording. That gives you €620, which based on your figures should allow you to move to a better area.

Reborn you clearly have no understanding of what its like to walk out of your front door and have flashbacks of sexual abuse you had suffered to the point you feel suffocated in fear causing convulsions. Ever felt that way? No? Lucky for you. Fuck off with your get a job bullshit.

I have a sense, however, that you will have high expectations when it comes to employment opportunities too though, OP. Call it a hunch.

So you got given notice on the place you were living. I rent and it's happened to me 4 times in the last 15 yrs. Never ended up living at my mum's though, or in a hostel. How come you ended up doing that rather than finding another place to rent?
If you've done an apprenticeship in a law firm (which is what my foster daughter did) how come you don't go to college to further educate yourself? If you are at college there is a lot of MH support and advice. Is your daughter at school full time?

I wouldn't send my kids there either. No way. Can you home school? Or could you afford private? You are just sentencing your kids to an awful education if you send them there. How could any decent parent do that?

And you fuck off with your unrealistic high expectations! What do you want from people here? You CANNOT AFFORD to move. So, again, I don't know what the point of this thread is!

Is it unreasonable to have high expectations? No
Are you unreasonable to expect more when you are not able to help yourself? Yes

As I have said 1000s of times I am paying a fortune for EMDR treatment twice a week, I am doing something about my MH but with the best will in the world I cant be better over night. I wast allowed to heal until after court which finished in 2014 but I was still in "survival mode" my mind wouldnt allow me to feel emotion hence why I was able to hold down a job but if you read up on PTSD you would know that it can hit you at any time, be it days, months or years after the trauma. Funny how people are so quick to call me racist and bias but lack the basic understanding of MH.

Well then, OP. You're stuck aren't you?

I hope you get better soon and you are able to get back to work and get out of this situation.

Not much more to say, is there?

The point of this thread was to help me understand if I am being unreasonable in wanting to move given the circumstances so I know where I stood in the debate between me and DH. I dont have people to ask for advice and sometimes I question my own judgments which is why I asked for an opinion, not to be barked at. I will call the people in this area the dregs of society till I turn blue in the face and until youve lived on my street you have little evidence to tell me otherwise.

Obviously its been beneficial reading comments on how the non English speaking students do so well but that wasnt my question nor my concern.

If you are paying a fortune for therapy then ask your therapist for support and guidance in changing things. Or look into cutting that cost down so you can afford to move.
You will feel a hell of a lot better if you start to make some changes to get where you want

The therapy is soley for my PTSD, the type of therapy is called EMDR. If you dont know what this is then EMDR treatment session lasts about 90 mins the therapist will move his fingers back and forth in front of your face and ask you to follow these hand motions with your eyes. At the same time, the therapist will have you recall a disturbing event. This will include the emotions and body sensations that go along with it.

Its tough reliving it all twice a week but it eventually desensitizes you so you no longer feel emotion towards it. I desperately need this treatment to get better and would begrudge putting it on hold with the risk of having to start from scratch IYSWIM

Yes you need to move. I think after what you've been through id be considering move to the opposite end of the country. You could get something lovely in parts of the north east, lancashire, cumbria, even east Anglia, a little flat or terrace for you and dd, a small job. Money left over. A fresh start. If your dh can't see how much this would help your mental health and recovery and will not contemplate considering it I'd be questioning how invested he is in your recovery and in your health and life and your dd's life in general. Sorry if that sounds harsh, he might be the nicest man in the world, but it's clear from your posts what your best interests are and I don't know if it seems like he is considering them

MH issues don't give you carte blanche to be intolerant of different cultures and tarring an entire people by the actions of the few. You get pockets of wrong uns everywhere. Who's to say you won't be targetted in your new 'posher
area?

All people are saying here is that if you shouldn't uproot your entire family for reasons which could materialise anywhere you are. I used to live in a really posh area of the East Midlands where rents were over 1k per month for a flat - still had gypsy camps in the summer, still had drug crime and violent crime etc. Also lived in some really 'deprived' areas with great communities where there was virtually no crime.

Trinity - My dh is more blissfully unaware, he isnt home 6 days week so only knows what I tell him or what happens of an evening. I couldnt move to the other side of the country as much as I would love to due to DDs dad, we have an agreement with SS.