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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking Dsis should put DN first.

241 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 02/07/2017 11:07

Backstory :- Dn is one of 6. My sister was in a bad relationship last year which produced the 6th child. The relationship had a massive impact on all the children. DN is in year 6 and has suffered bullying (now sorted) and had problems with her eating.

My sister has announced to the family she is now pregnant with number 7. Came as a massive shock as we didn't know she had a partner, turns out she had the children lie. The baby bomb shell has upset DN, she feels completely pushed out and scared this relationship will be another repeat of the last one.

I am very close with DN since everything that happened last year she has spent a few days a week with me since, and my sister was ok with this. DN has expressed some concerns and has now asked can she live with me, I've told my sister this and she thinks DN is just being a mard arse and will come round too the idea of a new sibling and a father figure.

Her plan is to just let DN finish her "tantrum" and everything will be fine. I have disagreed with her and suggested maybe she has a heart to heart with DN. DSIS has refused because she believes that's playing into DN hands.

My sister is a lovely person, just at times she makes stupid decisions. She thinks with her heart most of the times instead of her head and I believe at the moment isn't taking DN fears and worry seriously as she is just so focused on her new relationship and baby. She has always wanted that happy ending and she thinks this is it.

Of course I want too see my Dsis happy but at the same time Dn isn't happy and feels ignored.

I honestly don't know what more I can say or what I can do.

OP posts:
EarlessToothlessVagabond · 02/07/2017 11:09

I don't think you can do anything else. Just continue being there for your DN. It's good she's got you.

TheClacksAreDown · 02/07/2017 11:10

Rough situation for DN. I don't blame her for wanting out and I don't blame you for wanting to take her in

TheClacksAreDown · 02/07/2017 11:11

On a practical note maybe DN stays with you more often for longer. Or moves in "for a bit" and keep extending out when her return date is?

Pengggwn · 02/07/2017 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/07/2017 11:18

Is she the eldest? Is she asked to help out with the little ones?

Be there as much as you can. She has been through a rough time with the bullying. She needs to feel secure and it sounds quite hectic with seven to look after.

WillowWeeping · 02/07/2017 11:22

So your DS has a new partner (of less than a year I'd guess?) and your DN (understandably) doesn't yet feel comfortable with this man but he is being moved in to play dad?

And your DN is 11?

Sorry to say but your sister isn't a lovely person. She's selfish and not a good parent. You however are. Your DN needs support and consistency okease do everything you can to provide it Sad

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 02/07/2017 11:28

Answering a few questions -

She's the second eldest, so she does help out with the younger ones. I suppose in a way when she's with me she loves it because she's allowed to be a child if that makes sense.

Sister is in a 4 bed house so obviously cramped with 6 children 2 adults and one on the way.

dh and I have already discussed taking her in and we are both on board with it, if that's what it boils down too.

A part of me thinking she needs stability and consistency especially with her starting high school in September and I can provide her with that. But than a part of me thinks if I allow her too move in that could make DN and Dsis relationship worse and nothing will get solved.

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 02/07/2017 11:28

My sister is a lovely person

No, she's not. Her selfish actions scream otherwise.

Your poor niece, and all her siblings. Sad

seafoodeatit · 02/07/2017 11:46

I agree with the sentiment that however nice she may be she is not nice to her children, her life sounds chaotic and it's no wonder that your DN feels the way she does. Keep doing what you're doing, she needs someone there to support and acknowledge her feelings because it doesn't sound like your dsis will anytime soon. Have her over as often as possible, it'll give her respite from all that's going on at home.

pictish · 02/07/2017 11:55

Your sister is pretty selfish isn't she?

ImperialBlether · 02/07/2017 12:01

I'm really shocked. She's having a 7th baby with a new partner who is already living there, but you didn't know she even had a partner? Those poor children.

Does she claim benefits for each child and could that be why she doesn't want her daughter living with you? What happened to that when the new guy moved in? And who the hell casually moves in with six children?

unfortunateevents · 02/07/2017 12:03

Poor girl. Your DN is one of 6 currently, soon to be 7. She is only 11 and there are four younger than her, including a newborn. How many fathers are involved and how many of them see the children? (Not that there is anything wrong with different fathers but with that many children it certainly makes contact arrangements more complex and your DSis doesn't sound like one to make much effort so I suspect there is very little contact or support from the fathers there). Your DSis must see that this is very disturbing for your DN but is choosing to ignore it for an easy life. I think all you can do is remain as a constant presence in your DN's life and just let her spend as much time as she wants/you can facilitate at your house. Knowing that she has you there for backup will be a big support to her.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 02/07/2017 12:06

She can be selfish I will admit that.
Like with the bullying it was me who sorted it all, Dsis had noticed a changed with DN but didn't ask her about it, She was waiting for Dn to say what's wrong.

A few months ago I noticed she was being funny with her food, I told Dsis she didn't take it seriously. Turned out Dn was skipping meals in the hopes of losing weight because when she was being bullied, The favourite insult was fat so it stuck with her.

I spoke with Dn about how if she wants to drop some weight there are healthy ways to do it and I will help her, obviously drilled home that I think she's perfect, in no way fat and only lose weight for herself.

With the abusive relationship last year she neglected Dn feelings which led Dn in confiding me a lot.

I would take let DN live with me in a heartbeat, I'm just thinking me doing this is the easy solution. It's not making Dsis take any action in salvaging a relationship with her daughter.

OP posts:
Monkeyface26 · 02/07/2017 12:11

I'm not sure you can 'play into the hands' of an 11 yr old. You seem like a lovely auntie and it would probably be unhelpful to your dn & dsis to try to find a permanent solution to this. Dn shouldn't feel like she HAS to make a choice with long-term consequences. She's too young for that. I can understand why that might work better for all the adults concerned but surely the best thing for dn is to know that she is wanted by everyone and welcome in both homes at anytime.
You also sound like a generous sister & what a lovely partner you have. The kindest, most helpful thing you can do is just to keep doing what you have been doing.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 02/07/2017 12:16

How much mental and physical energy though does your sister have for this and over what time frame? Sounds as if dn would really benefit from a stable secondary school time. Maybe a gradual increase in time spent with you rather than an official moving in full time. It does also depend how many dc you have/plan to have and their ages.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/07/2017 12:19

Your poor niece. She's been through a lot. She deserves to be a child.

You sound lovely. Your niece is very lucky to have you. Flowers

are there any more family members around? I'm not one for telling people how to run their life - but what your sister is doing is so selfish and disruptive for the rest of her family. Is there a parent or someone who might be able to have a word? (Sometimes siblings don't tend to listen to each Other as they are seen as peers) or maybe someone unrelated - an outsider who can have a chat

Butterymuffin · 02/07/2017 12:20

I do see your point about 'the easy solution' but that's from the point of view of getting your sister to do the right thing. If the 'easy solution' that made things good for your niece was living with you, then maybe that should take priority. It would be kind of you, but most importantly, it might be best for your niece.

ImperialBlether · 02/07/2017 12:23

Will the other children want to follow suit?

I would have jumped at this chance (given your relationship) when I was that age.

BewareOfDragons · 02/07/2017 12:24

Your sister may not want to let her live with you if she uses her to watch the younger children.

I feel really sorry for your DN.

Pengggwn · 02/07/2017 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LogicalPsycho · 02/07/2017 12:26

Your DSis sounds just like DH's XP, and it's DSS as one of the oldest children who bears the brunt of her selfishness.
He is now one of 5. DSS is left in charge of said babies while XP and her BF have their free time, he's lost his bedroom twice to make way for 2 nurseries in the last 4 years. He asked if he could move in with us last year and we said yes (of course) but XP wouldn't allow it she likes the financial rewards that having lots of children brings I think.

Utter fucking selfishness, DN would clearly be better with you, in a home where her mother doesn't feel the need to 'cement' every new relationship with a baybeee Hmm

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 02/07/2017 12:30

I think after 11 years your Dsis has had plenty of time to create a relationship with Dn. If you are prepared to have her live with you I think this would be the best solution, I very much doubt things will improve if she stays where she is with yet another baby on the way.

CrazedZombie · 02/07/2017 12:32

Your sister seems to be "in love " and unable to see past the new partner and baby. Their relationship can only start healing when your sister gets her head out of her backside and focus on her children's needs rather than her own. She's going to be pregnant at least another 7 months+ so would I be right that dn won't be a priority for a while?
I would take dn in. Childhood is precious and it sounds like she'd have a happy home with you. Waiting for your sister to be an adult and focus on the kids already here is too big a gamble because it sounds like she's going to be repeating this pattern of having more babies with more guys in the hope that she gets what she thinks is a happy ending.

Maudlinmaud · 02/07/2017 12:36

I would try to find another solution. Dn moving in with you may cause irreparable damage to the relationship with her mother. Your dsis has been selfish and hasn't put the needs of her other children first which is awful but being in an abusive relationship takes it's toll. Could you continue to mediate and take Dn out for a bit of respite. Are ss involved?

ImperialBlether · 02/07/2017 12:38

LogicalPsycho, it's not just up to the mum who lives with her. Your husband could insist on that change if the son wants to live with him.

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