In thinking Dsis should put DN first.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Backstory :- Dn is one of 6. My sister was in a bad relationship last year which produced the 6th child. The relationship had a massive impact on all the children. DN is in year 6 and has suffered bullying (now sorted) and had problems with her eating.

My sister has announced to the family she is now pregnant with number 7. Came as a massive shock as we didn't know she had a partner, turns out she had the children lie. The baby bomb shell has upset DN, she feels completely pushed out and scared this relationship will be another repeat of the last one.

I am very close with DN since everything that happened last year she has spent a few days a week with me since, and my sister was ok with this. DN has expressed some concerns and has now asked can she live with me, I've told my sister this and she thinks DN is just being a mard arse and will come round too the idea of a new sibling and a father figure.

Her plan is to just let DN finish her "tantrum" and everything will be fine. I have disagreed with her and suggested maybe she has a heart to heart with DN. DSIS has refused because she believes that's playing into DN hands.

My sister is a lovely person, just at times she makes stupid decisions. She thinks with her heart most of the times instead of her head and I believe at the moment isn't taking DN fears and worry seriously as she is just so focused on her new relationship and baby. She has always wanted that happy ending and she thinks this is it.

Of course I want too see my Dsis happy but at the same time Dn isn't happy and feels ignored.

I honestly don't know what more I can say or what I can do.

I would say the situation would have to be pretty serious before I thought that was better than the child being with her mum and her siblings.

I agree with this. I can see why DN wants to move in with you, but I think it needs to be thought through. It could cause her lots of problems in relationships between her Mother and siblings in the future (could they feel abandoned by her or less important in your eyes).

It's a tricky situation, but your niece is very lucky to have you.

5 fathers for the 7 children.
The eldest and Dn father isn't in their lives he is a useless twat.
3rd child father is a permanent feature and a good guy.
4th and 5th dad is no longer around
6th dad is no longer around
7th is to the new partner so who knows if he will stick around when baby is born.

Other family members have spoken too her in the past and it just falls on deaf ears. When she is in a relationship she doesn't care what people say she thinks she knows best and is her against the world.
I don't quite know if the new partner lives with them, from what Dn has said he is around there a lot.

My sister is fine with DN "living" with me because she just thinks this a temper tantrum and she'll come back with her tail between her legs. I honestly dont see Dn wanting to go back with how she's feeling at the moment.

DH and I have the room for Dn. 3 bedroom house so when she stays she has her own room which she loves as she shares with 2 others.

maud that's what I'm worried about. That if Dn was too move In, it would cause damage to the relationship.

No SS involvement anymore. Was last year after the abusive relationship but SS deemed sister to have done the right things so case closed.

I am going to go against the grain and say have your niece come to live with you. Your Dsis has made her choices without any thought for her children and their wellbeing. It may be time for your Dsis to grow up.

My DH was raised in a similar situation (but his mother's partners never stayed around so was effectively a single mother to numerous children) until he was rescued by an uncle (and his wife). Best thing that ever happened to him. His uncle and aunt did not have any money (and actually lived in a caravan) but they took such good care of him that he made it through medical school etc.

So take in your niece and let the future sort itself out.

pengg oh I haven't encouraged her, I've told her that another baby won't change much mum still loves you, she and your siblings would miss you etc. DN is seeing my view point but then I also see her view point.

DN main problems

• doesn't feel her mum takes her seriously.
• doesn't feel like she can talk too her mum.
• feels she's missing out on fun stuff with friends because her mum asks for help with the younger ones sometimes.
• is wary of new man.
• doesn't feel she gets enough attention.
• scared she'll be completely forgotten about when number 7 arrives.

I've told Dsis the points of concern but she just sees her having a tantrum and tough she's got to deal with it.

Pengg, yes one child who is 1.

She should move in with you

Honestly I would tread very carefully. It might work in the short term and be in the child's best interests but come the teen years it might all go a bit pear shaped. I think working closely with the family as a whole is the way to go.

God, take in the bairn. Poor child. Your sister sounds utterly selfish. Good luck to you all.

Dsis is very unlikely to shift from her pattern of DN needs to get over it, and those children have had to put up with one heck of a lot.

The problem with waiting around for an adult to get a clue and maybe take some responsibility is that while everyone waits a child is living day to day in unhappiness. It doesn't seem like Dsis is going to hold DN moving in with you against either of you, it sounds like you and dh would gladly have her, so I'd give DN the escape and the sanctuary she wants. It's more likely to keep the door open and good feeling flowing if DN is happier, and less likely to mean DN is left to simmer until she explodes and the relationship really breaks down.

Your Dsis is very lucky to have you.

xpost with the brilliant livefornaps who just said it perfectly in one line

Your sister doesn't sound 100% lovely.
For whatever reason she seems to think that having a baby with her new fella is the way to create some happy ever after.

What's she going to do if/when baby 7s dad fucks off? Meet someone else and have baby number 8?

She needs to focus on the children she has and stop seeing a baby as a way to make a man stock around because clearly the men she is choosing aren't exactly fulfilling their role as non-resident parents (other than 1).

I'd take the niece in as a short term arrangement but make sure it a done properly and recorded as a private fostering arrangement. It might be your niece just needs some head space. You sound lovely OP.

Op what do you realistically think is going to change in your DSis's life that she'll listen to DN and put her needs first?
Even when she knows there is a problem bullying, eating she has not encouraged your DN to talk to her.
I'd be very afraid your DN will start to act out as a teen and miss out on her education.
I can't see dn's relationship with her family improving with her family if she remains at home. Many people who have not worked with such families have an unduly rosy picture of family cohesion etc. The best you can to is to make a positive change in this young girl's life by offering her a home. I would advise making it informal to start with -- maybe during term time? And just letting it drift on from there depending on Dn's needs. That way she will have a foot in both camps and won't feel cut off from her DM and siblings.
Good luck

At this point I'd be less concerned about damaging a relationship between mum and daughter and far more concerned that your DN, who has been on brink of an eating disorder doesn't want to live with a man her mother has known less than a year and of whom she "Is wary".

Are you planning on having more DC yourself? That will change the dynamic. Have you considered eventualities such as DN having a very difficult adolescence and putting a big strain on your own family life? And would your sister contribute to the very real costs of having a teen in the house? Might her closest sibling get jealous and want similar treatment? especially if baby number 7 is followed by 8.

You sound a lovely aunt but do consider all of these things very carefully. Keeping the arrangement quite flexible may be a better option for you all.

But than a part of me thinks if I allow her too move in that could make DN and Dsis relationship worse and nothing will get so

No, your sister made that relationship worse.

My heart is saying let her stay, give her a break let her have that safe haven.

But then logically I don't think will solve my sister and Dn relationship, I think it will drive a wedge further between them.

My sister problem is she's viewing Dn opinions as invalid because she's a child and it's wrong.

Her motto is sort of like in the movie Matilda

" I'm grown you're not
I'm big you're little
I'm right you're wrong "

This will not be the last man or baby.
Your sister has a pattern that she plans to follow and who gives a damn about the destruction she's causing her other children.
She likes babies and the attention.
A troublesome child who she actually has to care about is not worth her time.
Sit down with DNi and ask her what she wants. Then tell your sister you'd like to take her in.
Once you get her for a few months contact SS and try and get it formalised. You can save one. I just hope someone else can help the others.

DNs homelife sounds horrendous. Your DSis neglectful at best. If you can I'd take DN on permanently- give at least one of them a good start in life.

It's hard to tell if the relationship would improve with some time apart.

Certainly moving out won't give her more time with her mum & might leave her feeling an outsider when she does see her mum & siblings.

Could you help her to see her friends?

How does the older one feel about it all?

matilda we are wanting one more child but looking at another 2/3 years.
I think that's why I am wanting to step up and take her in because I think I could keep her on the straight and narrow. I sorted out the bullying, the unhealthy eating attitude and was there for her when she needed to unload.