In thinking Dsis should put DN first.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Backstory :- Dn is one of 6. My sister was in a bad relationship last year which produced the 6th child. The relationship had a massive impact on all the children. DN is in year 6 and has suffered bullying (now sorted) and had problems with her eating.

My sister has announced to the family she is now pregnant with number 7. Came as a massive shock as we didn't know she had a partner, turns out she had the children lie. The baby bomb shell has upset DN, she feels completely pushed out and scared this relationship will be another repeat of the last one.

I am very close with DN since everything that happened last year she has spent a few days a week with me since, and my sister was ok with this. DN has expressed some concerns and has now asked can she live with me, I've told my sister this and she thinks DN is just being a mard arse and will come round too the idea of a new sibling and a father figure.

Her plan is to just let DN finish her "tantrum" and everything will be fine. I have disagreed with her and suggested maybe she has a heart to heart with DN. DSIS has refused because she believes that's playing into DN hands.

My sister is a lovely person, just at times she makes stupid decisions. She thinks with her heart most of the times instead of her head and I believe at the moment isn't taking DN fears and worry seriously as she is just so focused on her new relationship and baby. She has always wanted that happy ending and she thinks this is it.

Of course I want too see my Dsis happy but at the same time Dn isn't happy and feels ignored.

I honestly don't know what more I can say or what I can do.

Why does the OP, her DN and her sister have to commit to the child living permanently with the aunt right now Peng.

A childless person can have as many relationships as they want, actually so can a parent but introducing every new partner as a 'father figure' is a bad idea

But it may not be relevant. Temporary, sporadic stays may be the way. Or a temporary arrangement that becomes a permanent one could be it. There is no need for anyone to commit any permanent course of action at the minute.

OP, it sounds as though you are doing your best for your DN and I commend you for it.

A childless person can have as many relationships as they want, actually so can a parent but introducing every new partner as a 'father figure' is a bad idea
Exactly. And the sister isn't just introducing her latest man as a father figure, she's actively having more babies with people she's been dating a matter of months.

Whilst contraception isn't 100% fool proof, most people using contraception properly manage not to have children.

oh all the children are in school now bar the baby obviously. The kids all have after school activities or play dates during the week. So saying she's a mum of 6 she gets a lot of "spare" time if that makes sense.

For instance this weekend DN has stayed all weekend with me and she'll go back home tomorrow after school. Eldest Nephew stayed at friends Friday and brothers last night. Middle one with his father all weekend.

I can see a problem with the question Peng and I don'the think it's necessary atm.

I'd be concerned about what men are jumping into a relationship with a woman, who already has lots of children, moving in so quickly etc.

Surely stable people don't do this?

KungFuPanda "She can be selfish I will admit that.
Like with the bullying it was me who sorted it all, Dsis had noticed a changed with DN but didn't ask her about it, She was waiting for Dn to say what's wrong."

I hate bullying and find it really hard that any mum would wait for someone else to sort it out.

Please do whatever is best for this little girl.

I think your sister is very short sighted, she will (emotionally) lose her second born because she is looking for a happy ending with a man.

Asking/telling the children to lie is very wrong. What is this 'step dad' figure was being mean or unfair with the kids, they would have no way to tell anyone else. Because he was a 'secret'. Keeping secrets with kids is really bad practice.

Totally agree with Monkeyface "I'm not sure you can 'play into the hands' of an 11 yr old." And 100% agree "...surely the best thing for dn is to know that she is wanted by everyone and welcome in both homes at anytime."

And also, yes, "You also sound like a generous sister & what a lovely partner you have."

"I would take let DN live with me in a heartbeat, I'm just thinking me doing this is the easy solution. It's not making Dsis take any action in salvaging a relationship with her daughter."

I think you need to make sure that there is a bed for DN at her own home and she is part of that home but her being with you some of the time seems life a lifeline. Do you have kids OP? You do realise that even if she treats you like Mum at your home she will still only be a niece, in that sense you could be quite hurt if she eventually goes back to her mum. I don't say that to be cruel, I just think children can be fickle with their emotions.

I think my sister is agreeing to her staying and thinks DN will change her mind after a couple of days.

tormund the only decent one was number 3s dad, but she screwed that up by cheating on him but that's another thread. The rest of them we have all been about

OP "- is wary of new man." Is there any reason to be warty of the new man that you are aware of?

peachgreen "There's a lot of judgement about big families / multiples dads and it isn't always justified."

I can't detect jusgment for that, simply that the OP's sister is focusing on new baby and new relationship and not the other kids.

"It's just a less traditional family set up nowadays than we're used to (but of course was once perfectly normal)." It's never been perfectly normal to have multiple children by multiple dads. Big families were more normal once but that wasn't always ideal either. My um was one of five and resented looking after her two younger sisters and was not overly close to them.

I think the image of big happy families is much more common in our society than a negative one.

It doesn't have to be a permanent solution - at least not yet. Why doesn't she just stay with you while the new baby is due and she is making the difficult transition to secondary. That's all I would suggest for now. I don't think finality is what anyone needs right now.

I also agree with PP who said that she is testing her mother. Sadly I think she's almost inevitably going to be disappointed, so she's very lucky to have you there.

pengg exactly. This is my concern that my sister isn't taking anything seriously. I don't want DN staying with me for a couple of weeks then my sister bringing her back home and the shit just starts again of DN concerns being ignored.

italian she's wary because of how her mum's last relationship ended. But she says he annoys her because he hogs the tv by watching racing, he eats a lot of the "treats" and he just sits in his seat and doesn't move. So nothing that is ringing any alarm bells. She's just cautious but nothing wrong with that.

I don't see why we can't be judgy. As Italiangreyhound points out, it is difficult enough being in a big stable family (my father was one of 9, my mother one of 6) but in a set-up where there is revolving door of men is hardly conducive to a settled life for the dcs. What kind of chaos will there be if there are multiple fathers, some of whom may be involved, some not? Some may like the children, some won't. What sort of man takes up with a woman who has a young baby as well as several other children? And where does she meet them? And what woman decides to conceive with a bloke she has been with only weeks, when she already has a months-old baby?

It is this woman's choice to have this arrangement, but it sure as hell is not the children's.

She's a smart girl to be cautious. Experience has taught her that he'll probably be gone in 12-18 months.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 02-Jul-17 14:44:13
"But it may not be relevant. Temporary, sporadic stays may be the way. Or a temporary arrangement that becomes a permanent one could be it. There is no need for anyone to commit any permanent course of action at the minute."

The difficulty arises if the OP is the one who finds she doesn't want/can't cope with a permanent arrangement and the DN then feels rejected a second time. However much a young girl says she understands that the arrangement might only be temporary, that might actually be very different from how she feels if she has lived in a place maybe for several years and her parent substitute then tells her she needs to move out.

Absolutely agree that nobody should be making any open statement of permanence now. Only that the OP should be aware that children who have been abandoned once, often cope very badly with anything they sense as a second abandonment. So either clearly explained short commitments or an unspoken only-in-the-OPs-heart commitment to be there for however long her DN needs her is probably the way to go.

Well she normally stays Fri-sunday 3 weeks out of the 4. But tonight she's staying as my sister's of out for a meal with the partner and asked if Dn wanted too join she said no can I stay at Kungs and my sister said that's fine aslong as Kung is ok with it.

I then spoke to Dsis and she said whenever Dn wants too stay she can and for aslong as it takes for her to accept her OH and the new baby

It's like talking to a brick wall it's really is.