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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking Dsis should put DN first.

241 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 02/07/2017 11:07

Backstory :- Dn is one of 6. My sister was in a bad relationship last year which produced the 6th child. The relationship had a massive impact on all the children. DN is in year 6 and has suffered bullying (now sorted) and had problems with her eating.

My sister has announced to the family she is now pregnant with number 7. Came as a massive shock as we didn't know she had a partner, turns out she had the children lie. The baby bomb shell has upset DN, she feels completely pushed out and scared this relationship will be another repeat of the last one.

I am very close with DN since everything that happened last year she has spent a few days a week with me since, and my sister was ok with this. DN has expressed some concerns and has now asked can she live with me, I've told my sister this and she thinks DN is just being a mard arse and will come round too the idea of a new sibling and a father figure.

Her plan is to just let DN finish her "tantrum" and everything will be fine. I have disagreed with her and suggested maybe she has a heart to heart with DN. DSIS has refused because she believes that's playing into DN hands.

My sister is a lovely person, just at times she makes stupid decisions. She thinks with her heart most of the times instead of her head and I believe at the moment isn't taking DN fears and worry seriously as she is just so focused on her new relationship and baby. She has always wanted that happy ending and she thinks this is it.

Of course I want too see my Dsis happy but at the same time Dn isn't happy and feels ignored.

I honestly don't know what more I can say or what I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 10/07/2017 12:05

I know what I wrote and my point was how did you get from this thread that I don't get on with my sister? The house is overcrowded it is a 4 bed house, with 8 occupying it soon too be 9.
I know the layout of the house you don't. So I know its overcrowded. If I really disliked my sister I wouldn't have been there over the years bailing her out and I wouldn't have taken one of her children in.

edmund I am surprised at how well she's coping, we've had a few heart too hearts which a few tears were shed but that's to be expected. I spoke too her HT, she's involving SS and somebody in school who can be there whenever she wants too talk. HT is also going to see about a counsellor coming into school for Dn.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 10/07/2017 12:18

KungFuPandaWorksOut16, poor girl. SS was sadly inevitable from what you wrote, hopefully they can support everyone in a way that the children can have a stable home life. At least the school can keep a close eye on her and any other siblings there at the moment. Have you spoken to your sister?

As for AndNowItIsSeven, why of everything said here, that's what you've picked up on? Eight/nine people in a four bedroom house does sound crowded. I would presume that not all those bedrooms are doubles, there mustn't be much 'me time' if a child wanted five minutes peace, possibly only one bathroom, what's so difficult to grasp about that sounding like a crowded house? How does that in any way suggests a negative relationship between the op and her sister? It's a good thing the op is so bloody caring of her family, who knows what would the kids could have turned to otherwise.

ohfourfoxache · 10/07/2017 12:57

I'm really glad that the school seems to be being supportive

AndNowItIsSeven · 10/07/2017 13:25

Do people really think a four bed is not big enough?
It sounds like you don't like your sister because you are judging her on two dc per room.
By that standard anything other than a child having their own room is cramped and over crowded which is ridiculous.

AndNowItIsSeven · 10/07/2017 13:26

Edmund I live in an four bed, it's not crowded at all , our house is huge.

EdmundCleverClogs · 10/07/2017 13:36

AndNowItIsSeven, if you manage a family of nine is a four bed house, good on you. It's not relevant to the op unless you are her sister and know better. I grew up in a house with three bedrooms between the 3 siblings who lived there and parents, and it felt crowded (especially as we became older). It's subjective and depends on factors such as how many other rooms there are, if the kids get along, can everyone have their own space if needed etc.

Regardless, you're still missing the bigger picture here, the fact that there's a young girl unhappy in her home life, and was slapped due to her mother's latest baby's father causing trouble. That's nothing to do with the personal offensive you seem to have taken over house sizes.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 10/07/2017 14:01

Once again and where did I refer too the bedrooms being cramped? Please show me.

It is cramped because there is one toilet in the house, a living room, kitchen and 4 bedrooms. The 4th bedroom you couldn't swing a cat in. Two wardrobes in the hallway and one wardrobe in the kitchen. This space is housing 8 people and soon 9.

I think you're taking offence because you have the same amount of children in the same sized house, but your situation isn't the same as my sisters. Stick too the matter at hand not your own agenda.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 10/07/2017 14:12

Don't waste your breath Kung, it's not worth it. You've got more important things to think about than arguing with internet strangers.

How was your DN overnight? Has there been any more from your sister?

AndNowItIsSeven · 10/07/2017 14:14

I am not offended at all. Your earlier post reads like you think one ( of many) reasons your house is better for your dn is that should would have her own room.

EdmundCleverClogs · 10/07/2017 14:23

AndNowItIsSeven, so what? Generally it is better to have own bedrooms, especially for older children. Absolutely no harm in sharing if needs be, but personal space is important. Especially since this child is evidently fed up of her mum popping out more children in a small house, I'd feel a bit lost in all that to be honest.

As you said, it's one of many reasons, yet you're still going on about house size instead of acknowledging the real issues here. You're looking at the effects rather than the cause and getting cross with Kung when she came here looking for support and advice during what is obvious a difficult time for her family.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 10/07/2017 14:33

oh haven't heard anything of Dsis. DN I think is still getting her head around it all. We have had a little heart to heart and she was shocked that her mum had hit her because she has never done that, she was use too her mum saying mean things. Apparently it's a common occurrence with DN and the eldest nephew. She doesn't name call or scream at number 3 or younger. I didn't push her for details, I'm trying to do it so she can do it naturally if that makes sense.

I have passed all info onto HT and felt confident she will help and genuinely cares. She will also keep an eye on the others. I have notified my dad about what happened and too keep a closer eye on the eldest nephew.

OP posts:
user1493630944 · 10/07/2017 14:51

OMG 7 children with how many different fathers, your DSIS is not a lovely person, no way can anyone give that number of children the attention they need and deserve.

LadyinCement · 10/07/2017 15:00

I agree the dsis is not lovely if she is finding men and having them in the house at close quarters with her children. What happens to the dcs when she's off getting these men? Or are they found over the internet? Either way it is not good - at best setting a bad example and at worst very risky to the safety of her family.

I saw a documentary - I think it was Policing the Met - where one young woman's baby died of neglect whilst she was absorbed in numerous dating sites. I'm not saying the dsis is like this, but her priorities are seriously flawed.

ohfourfoxache · 10/07/2017 17:25

Fucking hell, poor kid Sad

It's a lot for anyone to wrap their heads around, let alone a child.

I'm so sorry your sister has turned out to be such a selfish cow Sad

WellThisIsShit · 10/07/2017 21:22

Just read whole thread, op I think you're doing all the right things, well done. Thank goodness your niece has someone to turn to.

Earlier on in the thread I was going to say that calling ss in would not be a great plan, as you can't turn them off once they're involved, and they may not do what you want or expect them to do.

However, given the latest incident, I think you're left with little choice but to get them involved. I'm glad the school is being supportive. My DS had counselling at school this year, and it really helped him. The trouble is there's not much school left now before the summer, and they need to be liaising with her secondary school now in order to make the transition as smooth as possible, and so you don't have to start from the beginning in September.

Good luck. It must be really upsetting to see your sister behaving so selfishly. She has created this situation herself and has inflamed it all like she's a egotistical little teenager herself.

I wonder what happened to male you and her so different? I wonder the same about my mother and her sister, where her sister is such a lovely and sensible person, and my mother is err, anything but.

emmyrose2000 · 11/07/2017 00:30

Apparently it's a common occurrence with DN and the eldest nephew. She doesn't name call or scream at number 3 or younger

Are the two oldest children full siblings, and the only offspring of that particular father? Could sister be taking her hatred of that ex out on the two kids? Not that that would excuse sister's poor excuse at parenting in any way.

Where are all the other "fathers" in all this? Do they spend time with their kids?

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