In thinking Dsis should put DN first.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Backstory :- Dn is one of 6. My sister was in a bad relationship last year which produced the 6th child. The relationship had a massive impact on all the children. DN is in year 6 and has suffered bullying (now sorted) and had problems with her eating.

My sister has announced to the family she is now pregnant with number 7. Came as a massive shock as we didn't know she had a partner, turns out she had the children lie. The baby bomb shell has upset DN, she feels completely pushed out and scared this relationship will be another repeat of the last one.

I am very close with DN since everything that happened last year she has spent a few days a week with me since, and my sister was ok with this. DN has expressed some concerns and has now asked can she live with me, I've told my sister this and she thinks DN is just being a mard arse and will come round too the idea of a new sibling and a father figure.

Her plan is to just let DN finish her "tantrum" and everything will be fine. I have disagreed with her and suggested maybe she has a heart to heart with DN. DSIS has refused because she believes that's playing into DN hands.

My sister is a lovely person, just at times she makes stupid decisions. She thinks with her heart most of the times instead of her head and I believe at the moment isn't taking DN fears and worry seriously as she is just so focused on her new relationship and baby. She has always wanted that happy ending and she thinks this is it.

Of course I want too see my Dsis happy but at the same time Dn isn't happy and feels ignored.

I honestly don't know what more I can say or what I can do.

You don't sound to me as though you have any actual welfare concerns. Is that fair? If you did then surely these would extend to a 13 roaming the streets at night and to young children too young to express their unhappiness

It sounds like the op is concerned about this particular child's mental health. So her welfare.
She may not be able to take on 7 children or her social services to do anything, it doesn't mean she doesn't care

Or isn't worried

I'd be thinking about the here and now and not worrying about the future tbh. Take your niece in.

OP, I think you are doing a great job being there for your DN however I would urge you to think about the long term issue here. This may be a bit long but I will tell you the story of my great nephew (sisters grandson) who had issues with his mum.
He is 18 now, his dad is my nephew and he split up with the mum when GN was 3. Nephew moved back in with my sister. Not to give the full details but from the age of 5 my GN was sent to stay with any relative who would have him so his mum could go out - I mean sometimes she would barely see him for 2 weeks, he was very sad and lonely. SHe went on to have another child.
At the age of 14 she wanted GN to move abroad to all live with her BF (won't go into why they wanted to live abroad).. GN didn't want to go and leave his family, friends and school. She tried to force him to go, he dug his heels in and said he would live with his dad and nan (nephew still lived at home!). She then said she wouldn't go without him. 2 weeks later she changed her mind and went leaving him to live with dad and nan (who adored him btw and he felt the same).
He is now 18 (she is back in the country but he never moved back in with her). He is a lovely lad but he has anger issues related to his mum, he doesn't like her but still loves her because thats what you do - he is still craving her approval and affection even though he doesn't get it. He will always have these feelings that she abandoned him and didn't love him because she let him stay here and went with boyfriend and DD.
My suggestion is that you do be there for your DN - completely - but I would think very hard about allowing her to move in with you. She may be testing her mum hoping she will say no to prove she does love her - if her mum allows it your DN may see this as proof that she is not wanted (even if it is with best intentions).
Also, you LO is 1 now, and DN Is Year 6. You may find that as DN goes through the teenage years it affects your LO (especially if DN feels anger/abandonment). How would you cope with that? You could never 'send her back' (sorry don't know what other phrase to use) as this would feel like another abandonment to her.
I know this all seems very dramatic when you just want to help the girl but you do need to think long term and consider what this may mean for everyone.

Like I say, your home being her safe haven or place to go when she feels down and wants to be spoilt is fine. If you are going further you may need some professional advice as young minds can be complex.
Good luck OP and good luck to your DN x

Pengggwn
So we agree that flagging a concern would be the right thing to do.

I agree there is a concern for the child's unhappiness.
I also would be concerned about their welfare too - mainly because of mums obsession with having more babies with new fella. It feels a little like shes fixated on a little fantasy with new men. It sounds like there's a lot of wider family involvement with the children who aren't in her new bubble.

OP, of course YANBU. Your sister should put her existing children first, but she is not going to do that. You are very kind to look after your DN's wellbeing, please continue to do so.

It's a tricky one I'd be concerned in the long term about the impression it gives to the other siblings, if things deteriorate at home and your diss goes on to have baby no 8.
They might be too young now but what happens to them as they get older while dn is living with you?

My heart says I'd take her.
My head says it's singling her out as 1/6 and could be damaging to everyone.
I don't envy you kungfu, your sister doesn't sound like a good mum to me from what you've put on here, but I'm sure she's not the devil either. Tough one.

she obviously cant take care of what she has and shes having more.
she needs contraception not a new bf

Minionsrule, your DN'S is angry with his mother because she was selfish, left him with whoever would take him and then left him altogether. He his rightly angry and it is no one'seems fault but the mother who never prioritised him.

I could have written this years ago about my cousin and her eldest child. Almost identical situation with seven children, abusive partners, unstable home life.

Eventually the eldest child was taken into care (and had her own baby removed when she was 15) and, five years on, has no relationship at all with her selfish mother.

I would take her in in a heartbeat. The alternative could be so much worse.

Thanks KungFuPanda - glad to hear that you have an extended family too who can help you out and give them support. Good luck whatever you decide.

Pengggwn
I have no reason to believe the children are being harmed at the moment. But I would still have concerns about their welfare in that house (though fewer concerns knowing there's an amazing extended family).
My concern comes from the fact that some people I went to school with had similar patterns in their late teens to mid 20s. Aka meet man, have baby, man leaves (plus lots of drama and then never had much to do with kids), meet new man, have baby... etc.
They've had social services involvement over the years so that probably does cloud my view a bit.

I don't think it's a healthy environment for children when either parent has a habit of having babies with someone they've been with a couple of months, then it ends and one parent fucks off and then there's a new partner and new baby etc.

Dione I know, the mother is a horrible woman who is now screwing up 2 other lives (now has 2 DD's).
All he ever wanted was for his mum to look after him and not put boyfriend first - sounds a bit like OP's sis is a bit the same (ie whilst not physically moving away putting her own wants before the kids - not just this one DN either).
My DN's story is a bit extreme but I just wanted OP to make sure she is thinking things through long term.

pengg no I understand, my wording didn't come across in the right way. He does his own thing like he does a few after school clubs, then after a club a parent may take them for a bite too eat or go back there and play on the games console. Or he will go to my brothers or my dad's. He has people there for him. He comes round mine but I'm clearly not as cool as my brother in his eyes although the eldest two are currently here waiting for their Sunday dinner.

If you can be there for your DN then living with you seems reasonable - but view as a long term commitment. All the best for you all.

It is a bit of a tricky one. I think you may want to take into account what will happen in a few years' time when nos 4 and 5 have been put through the wringer by the coming and going of boyfriends 7, 8 and 9, and are asking why you aren't interested in rescuing them. Not because you have any obligation as such, but out of concern for the damage that may do to the whole sibling relationship.

After all, there is no reason to believe your dsis will suddenly see the light and stop this behaviour, is there?

The other thing, as mentioned by pp, is that it is very likely that your dn will react to her issues in a different way as a teen and that may be very hard for her. It is very very important that she does not face abandonment twice, so you really would have to be prepared for a situation where you can't keep her on the straight and narrow but just have to live with whatever situation you find yourself in because you have committed to this course.

You may still find this is the right thing to do, but you should do it with your eyes open and a sense of commitment to whatever the future brings.

pengg my concern is when a new boyfriend comes into play the children are out on the back burner emotionally speaking.
The house is always spotless, the children always wearing clean clothes, houses always has food In, always has gas and electric. If they need new stuff like clothes/shoes/school stuff they get it.

It's like I said DN has expressed her concerns and my sister just sees it as Dn is throwing a tantrum, leave her be and she will come round. She isn't taking what Dn is saying seriously. It's like I mentioned up thread with the bullying my sister noticed a change in Dn but didn't talk too her, She was waiting for Dn to come to her. With the eating I told my sister what I had noticed and my sister thought it was a ploy for attention.

The eldest doesn't really talk emotion unless it's hunger. He seems happy enough and I'm confident he would confide in my brother or dad if he wasn't.

Kungfu it already sounds like your Dsis is very lucky and that she has an amazing family looking out for her and her DC what I ment was outside help.

Not that she's doing it all on her own or that SS or anyone else would try and take your Nephews and Nieces away(the freshold for that is very very high)what I was talking about was her getting outside help,maybe help with moving(if she rents from her local council or a private landlord)clubs for the older children so they get a bit of a break,maybe someone to watch the youngest DC when the older DC are at school maybe once a week or even a couple of times a month so that your DS gets a break as well.

I've known women in the same kind of situation as your Dsis and the outside support made a huge difference to they're DC and to the Mothers themselves.

Pengggwn Yes I'm judging the mums relationship choices: In 14 years she has 5 relationships resulting in children.

On average less than ever three years she meets a man has a child (or two) splits and does the same again, with seemingly little regard to her existing DC.

She has a proven history of abusive relationships but yet again rushes in to a new relationship with a new baby on the way within months.