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Original poster

to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

205 replies

user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 18:16

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

OP posts:
Ilovecoleslaw · 30/06/2017 18:19

ShockShockShock
Sounds like she's still hung up on your DH

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 30/06/2017 18:20

It's just a name

I use my ex husbands. More so since we split tbh as it is a link to my ds as we are now a blended family

JustArandomUser · 30/06/2017 18:20

Ah there's literally nothing you can do about it, it's something you'll have to live with.

Presumably it's the surname the child has too?

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 30/06/2017 18:20

And I'm not faffing changing documents, passport etc

Life's too short

spanieleyes · 30/06/2017 18:20

And go where?

Yes, it's rather daft ( although I suppose it depends on the daughter's surname, has she changed hers so they both have the same?) But hey, she could call herself Princess Fartiblastfart and it wouldn't have anything to do with you!

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 30/06/2017 18:21
  1. Paragraphs are your friend.
  2. Why isn't he paying maintenance?
  3. The name changing is weird but I'd ignore it to piss her off.
VladmirsPoutine · 30/06/2017 18:22

She still has an attachment. Unfortunately, if you choose to get into a relationship with a man that has 'baggage' as it were, you sign up for some sort 'shit'.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You have no high road to take tbh. Just getting on with the life you've chosen.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 18:23

Are you saying he doesn't pay actual maintenance?

The rest of it, meh. Why should she discuss child stuff with you? You are no-one to her.

stitchglitched · 30/06/2017 18:25

When he moved away with you did that stop him being able to do 50-50 childcare?

rinabean · 30/06/2017 18:26

You say things like "her every need" but you mean the daughter's, not the woman's, and you say your husband's surname, but I imagine this is also the daughter's surname. You expect congratulations because your husband pays at least some part of the costs of rearing his child and still has some contact with her even though he is now raising your sons, and spending time and money on them that used to go to his daughter (which isn't necessarily WRONG, but it is an issue, which you don't seem to want to acknowledge!)

In your mind everything is you and this woman, in some kind of competition. But it doesn't look like that at all. It looks like a girl whose mom is competing for money and attention from the girl's father on her behalf. The competition is with your sons if it's with anyone. But it wouldn't need to be if your husband would manage things properly, and you would acknowledge that things do need to be managed, that things have changed for his daughter, what it all means for his daughter and your sons.

Stop trying to fight like stupid animals with his ex-wife. It's not about either you or her, unless you try and make it like that. Acknowledge your husband's responsibility to his daughter (you don't have to take any on! It's not about that! But you must accept that he had a daughter before he met you, and that that daughter has a mother, and that the daughter has rights to be parented by her father)

QueenArseClangers · 30/06/2017 18:27

If there's 50/50 shared care and similar incomes there's no need for maintenance.

Also, OP said that ex didn't use her DH's surname when married but has started doing now? HmmConfused

justtiredofcoping · 30/06/2017 18:29

Lets translate that - they were co parenting well and it worked for their DC.

You came on the scene - he moved away. 50/50 no longer possible, daughter can not see him as much etc etc.

Her behaviour may be odd - but fundamentally she is right, he has less time for his daughter and more time for you and your DCs.

Your DP needs to make sure his daughter does not lose out because of the changes he unilaterally made to the set up. Which sounds like he has not.

The whole he does not pay alimony, but does pay for school and sports - is odd. are we talking private school fees in lieu of maintenance - that is a cop out.

I never changed my name when I was married but once DCS started school I was known by their surname for all school things related. Not my choice just easier for everyone. Did not object because such a small thing to worry about - plus I knew it pissed off his new woman and it made her smile, that she got worked up about something which was not worth anything.

Lulu1083 · 30/06/2017 18:30

Rina that's a lot of assumptions!

OP it is weird to pick now to change, totally different if it was already her name and she didn't want to change it. Nothing you can do about it though so best to ignore.

Madbum · 30/06/2017 18:31

Yes take the high ground, she's goading you and needling at you and wants you to react for her own satisfaction, don't give it to her.
She's very silly and very sad really, pity her. It will drive her bonkers.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 18:32

If there's 50/50 shared care and similar incomes there's no need for maintenance.

He moved to a different town to be with OP and her kids, I doubt its 50/50 care.

Underthemoonlight · 30/06/2017 18:36

Sounds like her dd has been short changed going from seeing her DF half the time to him being in another town with a new family. I totally get why the dm is upset having to deal with the fallout of your dh checking out of being a parent half the time. What would possess him to upsticks and move in with a woman and her two children in another town when he has 50/50 access to his child, the mind boggles.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 30/06/2017 18:38

Is it still 50/50 care or does DSD now only visit at weekends?

Underthemoonlight · 30/06/2017 18:38

I also see no wrong in keeping the same surname as her child your just going to have to get over it.

Coddiwomple · 30/06/2017 18:39

wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD
does your DH accept? If he doesn't, then who cares, you are the one with him. If he does accept, then your problem is with him.

refuses to discuss any child issues with me.
so would I to be honest.

If he only pays for her costs (not sure how you calculate that), you can't blame her for asking a refund of the duvet cover, it sounds like it was their agreement.

In short, unless your own husband is being unreasonable, you should just ignore her. it's tempting to go in a war, but it's a waste of time and she will always be the mother of his child, so he will always have some involvement with her.

LogicalPsycho · 30/06/2017 18:41

Take the high ground.
DH's XP did this, and said it was 'for their DS'. Fair enough, but she and DH never married, and DS has his mother's name Hmm.

I just thought she came off needy and ans a bit pathetic. Not enough to feel sorry for her, but still. Ignore, keep your head up!

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 30/06/2017 18:44

Just start calling yourself 'The Real Mrs user1491407396' - that'll learn her.

QueenArseClangers · 30/06/2017 18:47

Music Grin

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 18:47

Sorry - probably a bit unclear. No alimony as such as she is a professional woman working full time. We pay for all DSD's big costs (obv. not costs for her care at her mother's).

50/50 means time - actually since the move for school reasons DSD is with us from Sunday to Friday - so the ratio is 5/7 vs 2/7. And I treat her as one of the family. Gets on well with DSs who lost their father at a very young age.

DH ex never used the name (which DSD uses of course). But did not change it until I took the name at our marriage.

I guess I didn't expect this level of interference and I think that DH has a few residual guilt issues and doesn't want to appear in conflict for DSD's sake.

I just feel it is some kind of dig at me but perhaps being oversensitive.

OP posts:
Augustbabyyeah · 30/06/2017 18:49

It's just a name, rise above it.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 30/06/2017 18:50

Wait, so DSD lives with you 5 days a week since you moved (closer to her school?).

I can see why there's no maintenance being paid now!