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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

205 replies

user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 18:16

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

OP posts:
Stickerrocks · 30/06/2017 21:00

In the weird & wonderful world of MN a step mother is damned if you do & damned if you don't. You are expected to treat the SDC exactly as your own, but if you express a view on haircuts, duvet covers, discipline or anything else which you would do for your own child, you suddenly lack all right to have an opinion as It's not your child. YANBU. The mum is being provocative, either through jealously or insecurity. Take a deep breath & keep the moral high ground (& how dare you find the time to have a successful career & get a PhD!)

Madbum · 30/06/2017 21:02

What Stickerrocks said with big fuck off jangly bells on.
I sometimes think MN is filled with scorned 1st wives ready with pitchforks and axes to grind.

SomewhatNewToThis · 30/06/2017 21:06

My DD is 15 and me and ex split up seven years ago. DD spends every other weekend with ex and his new wife. Wife sometimes picks DD up after school, takes her for evenings to spend time with her and all in all they have a wonderful relationship. Personally, I think you CAN consider yourself a kind of 'parent' of SDD. You have her 5/7 days and seem to do more than your fair share of caring for her. You're her step mother. A step parent.

If you had said, "I don't consider step daughter one of the family or like my own kid," you'd get flamed. Yet you also get flamed for calling yourelf her parent.

It took me a LONG time to accept that DD has another mother figure in her life. But her step mum is wonderful and DD loves her. However, I am her mother and always will be. So, I don't mind my DD having another mother figure, who she considers a parent as our relationship will not just be replaced!

I actually think you sound like a lovely person and a great parent to your step daughter. You seem to care about her a lot. As for your husbands ex, changing name does seem weird.

Is she happy with the 5/7 day setup?

Also agree with above posts that until recently your husband and ex wife have not been 'properly' split up. However, now your husband has moved on and married you, reality is setting in. Of course it's hard. The ex wife sounds a bit possessive, but I also feel sorry for her.

Stickerrocks · 30/06/2017 21:08

Somewhat you sound lovely!

SomewhatNewToThis · 30/06/2017 21:09

Also- if you have her 5/7 days a week, I feel like you NEED to be able to discuss issues with the mother. That's a large amount of time, and if you are her main carer then surely communicating with the ex wife is in the child's best interest for continuity. I think you have the right to know what is going on with DSD as you care for her a lot of the time and surely that means you need to be aware of key issues Hmm

Boring12 · 30/06/2017 21:09

I knew a woman that kept her exH surname even though she remarried. She already had drivers license/passport in that name, it was just convenient.

MaisyPops · 30/06/2017 21:13

The woman sounds like she's been more than happy for an amicable coparening arrangement until someone else is in the picture.

If she'd used her married name throughout the marriage and didn't change it then I'd get it. I'm not sure I could be bothered with the faff and it is her child's name. But to not use it at all and then START using it after her ex remarries, sorry that's bunny boiler territory.

It all feels very much 'I don't want you, but I also don't want anyone else to have you'. Creepy as hell.

but I notice that no one is calling the mother a deadbeat for not contributing financially towards her daughters day to day upkeep, depsite all the posts up top slagging the father off. Funny that.......
But, you know, the mam is the mam and birth mams can do wrong according to some on here.

LogicalPsycho · 30/06/2017 21:14

Somewhat you sound thoroughly lovely. Your DD is lucky to have 2 women in her life with her best interests at heart.

LogicalPsycho · 30/06/2017 21:20

I sometimes think MN is filled with scorned 1st wives ready with pitchforks and axes to grind

^This

I've had some significant issues with DSS but feel unable to ask for advice, because on MN, a stepmother's place is always in the wrong.
Not stepfathers, oh no because they are the first wives' new husband and so part of the DCs family Hmm
But if the father dares to marry again, she is just a spare part, an irrelevant girlfriend, a temporary hanger-on even after 15 years Grin

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 21:21

andtake

I consider myself one of her parents, not her mother.

OP posts:
womaninatightspot · 30/06/2017 21:25

Could it be a passport thing? My passport is in my maiden name and I will change it at renewal just to make life easier when travelling with the DC. I reckon I'd change it even if DH and I divorced in the meantime tbh.

Redsippycup · 30/06/2017 21:32

OP can I just ask - when you say ex contacts your DP about haircuts and underwear, is it DD's hair and pants she's talking about or her own?! I've read your OP a couple of times and I'm not sure.

I agree with everyone that has said she is being weird - it sounds like she is trying to wind you up.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 21:34

somewhatnewtothis

yes she readily agreed to the 5/7 setup

i secretly think that she is frustrated that i took her -pet- husband away and many unresolved issues with their separation

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 21:38

redsippycup

yes i did mean DD's haircuts - i.e. "would it be acceptable to you if I have her hair trimmed" or "should I buy pink or white undies" an expectation to be uber-involved in the detail

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 21:42

womaninatightspot

def not a passport/driving license/ thing. she never used the name until 5 years post divorce

DD has her own passport

OP posts:
martiniescutcheon · 30/06/2017 21:44

certainly don't plan to lawyer up!! interesting point of view! I had put it more down to her insecurity as she tends to farm the kid out most weekend and holidays

The Kid? Nice.

SomewhatNewToThis · 30/06/2017 21:45

Thank you to those who said I sound lovely Blush I wasn't at first with my ex husbands wife, but time taught me she just wants to do well with my DD, is not in fact trying to steal her and that having a good relationship with DD's step mum is better for everyone.

If your exes wife agreed to the set up and had a choice, then it does make the situation slightly more unusual. I can't imagine giving someone that much care of my child and not wanting to talk to them about matters concerning my child. She cannot pretend you are not a part of her DD's life when you look after her so much.

At the same time I think the name issue and her issues with you and DSD are separate things- you cannot blame for her being protective of her child. If she still hurting, it may explain her behaviour. However, the whole name changing and other behaviour does sound more concerning.

If it genuinely is this woman's desire to 'keep' a part of her husband, then yes it must be an uncomfortable situation for all.

How is your DSD with regards to this- does she pick up on any of the tension?

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 21:46

martiniescutcheon

the kid is our term of endearment for her being the youngest ... jeez

OP posts:
womaninatightspot · 30/06/2017 21:49

I don't tend to use my married name either but will be changing it on my passport when it expires in another couple of years as it's a pain getting stopped at airports. That'll be nine years after I married :)

FreakinScaryCaaw · 30/06/2017 21:50

Are you in the US op?

HappyFlappy · 30/06/2017 21:52

the kid is our term of endearment for her being the youngest ... jeez

We say "the bairn" here so I know exactly where you're coming from OP.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 21:53

somewhatnewtothis

How is your DSD with regards to this- does she pick up on any of the tension?

yes, unfortunately. it's a bit pushme pullme. Sometimes I feel that DSD feels bad about liking me too much. as if she might be betraying her mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 21:56

freakinscarycaaw

No not US - we live in the Netherlands but are Brits - both first spouses are (were) Dutch

OP posts:
AudacityJones · 30/06/2017 21:57

WOW. This thread!
So OP provides most of the main care for the girl 5/7 days, but mum won't discuss anything with her but will instead discuss with dad who works away.

People started out with the assumption OP dragged father away from his kid (based on nothing other than stereotypes) and providing more info to challenge that stereotype isdripfeeding. But clarifying that the DSD is part of the family and treated as such is met with why do you need to say that?
OP YANBU. Clearly birth mum is hung up on your DH. Let her crack on, nothing you can do.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 22:00

audacityjones

OP posts: