to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

[user1491407396]

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

She sounds very insecure in her relationship/ what role she plays in her daughter's life.

I do not understand how the mother could have agreed to this 5/7 arrangement. Just how ? The thought of my seeing my kids that little and of effectively being replaced makes my blood run cold. I am on the brink of divorce (sadly and awfully), and I am panicking about this kind of scenario, though my 3 range from 11 to 15 years old so they will have a lot more say in the matter - and were they younger I would never have agreed to 5/7. In fact in some ways my situation is worse as my dc could now effectively decide to live with H full time. He is difficult and they know this, so I don't think they will (and I would hope that they also want to be with me), but you never know .

I think it's one of the things that has kept me in my difficult and now estranged relationship for so long, though that's not healthy either.

Who knew that the unravelling of a marriage would be so devastating .

But why is everyone so surprised that a mother could agree to this 5/7 arrangement and projecting all sorts of reasons for it onto the situation?

Men do this all the time and no one sees this as weird. 50/50 splits are often criticised on here as being instigated by the man in order to get away with not paying maintenance.

I mean, why can't this birth mum just be someone who has a great career, is willing to put her DDs interest first and live with her dad and SM near school. Or be a flawed person who loves being a Disney Mum. Or anything she fancies! I'm not dissing her for any of those choices. But a lot of you seem to be acting like she has no agency simply because you can't relate to her choices.

Maybe she had to agree to the care arrangement in order to keep her job. I couldn't work in my job and be a single parent.

Funny the name thing. I was only saying to my DD re names - she's keen on retaining her maiden name when /if she gets married that she could always change it later for example when her hypothetical children start school.

I don't think she needs to discuss her child with you. You are not her parent.

OP, haven't read the entire thread so apologies if you've covered this.

The thing that jumps out to me from your first post is that she sends your H letters, wanting dinner to discuss their DD, and contacts him constantly about things like hair cuts, etc.

This is your answer, she hasn't moved on. She doesn't need to meet your H to discuss their DD, email would suffice. Did he instigate the split?

Don't take her behaviour personally, I think she would be like this with any new lady in his life, because she isn't ready to let go. That's her problem though, not yours.

Your H needs to sort this, by continuing to co-parent but to firmly show her that his life has changed, and her changing her name is completely irrelevant, and doesn't even warrant comment. And you must do the same.

She is right, they are and always will be DDs parents. But if she's happy for you to do the lion's share of co-parenting her DD, she must acknowledge the role you play, and your H must support you and let any guilt go about the past. You're the adults, you need to take the emotions out of it, and stop reacting to her.

Your lives have moved on, her's is stuck, and she may be clinging on to the past. Or a bit jealous of your lives, so trying to wind you up. That's fine, because if you simply ignore her attempts to do this, you'r problem will go away.

"I don't think she needs to discuss her child with you. You are not her parent."

No, but she IS in loco parentis to the child 5 days out of 7. I think it is fair enough to actually talk about your child's care with the person doing most of it! You wouldn't "refuse to discuss your child" with their teacher, or their daycare people, would you? They aren't the child's parent either, but they ARE caregivers (to an extent).

It's ridiculous to ignore someone who is looking after your child for 5 days out of 7. Ridiculous.

It sounds like both birth parents and the step mother work full time.
I would not have divorced had uit meant the 5 children would not live with me - in fact I sought legal advice just on that point 6 months before I decided to divorce.

May be after Brexit the father and the original poster will be forced back to the UK and the child stays with the Dutch mother (doubt it - don't worry). What a mess the British public have created with their silly Brexit vote.

You cannot stop her changing her name. It's a bit weird however.

In English law (not sure about Dutch) from about age 13 children can virtually choose where they live as the courts know you can hardly physically manhandle a 15 year old to the other parent if they don't want to live there. It is why some people wait until children are teenagers before divorcing. So the parent above worrying that if they split the children might live with the father if they are older don't be too worried if you are sure they would choose to live with you (as my older ones were - in fact they were petitioning me to divorce their father).

Op you sound like a wonderful parent.
People obviously haven't read the thread properly.

DSD lives with OP 5 out of 7 days, therefore the father pays no maintenance. The mother also doesn't pay maintenance but most posters brandishing their pitchforks have glossed over this.
OPs husband doesn't pay alimony because the ex wife works, has a good career and therefore there is no need.
OP cares for DSD more than her mother and father, given the living arrangements and father's job.
Ex never took OPs husband's name on marriage, nor throughout their marriage. She has changed her name 5 years post divorce. She didn't keep a name, she took a new name.

OP the ex may like stirring trouble; she may feel pushed out; she may still have feelings for your ex; it may be all or none of the above. Just keep doing what you are doing and rise above it.

i haven't read all the thread but I have been separated almost 4 years, divorce still not final. During our marriage I never changed my name on my passport/ banking etc but used my married name.
However my passport renewal last year I decided to change to married name and have now updated all paperwork etc to only be known as this.
I decided it would be better for travelling alone with dc to have the same name on my passport and there's an aspect of claiming the name as our family name and moving on... not having to revert back to maiden name.

The NRP doesn't seem to have put up much of a fight about their parenting arrangements so seems to work for her. DSD seems perfectly happy as well.

I love the implication that a mother will always want to take the brunt of parenting, but the father won't be interested, so if a child doesn't live with their birth mother both the mum and child must be suffering some terrible trauma. There are such double standards at play, because nobody seems to wring their hands and complain when a dad settles for a weekend or EOW arrangement. Just accept that everyone is an individual and makes different choices about their living arrangements. OP if the current situation works for you, ignore the posters berating you for referring to parenting your DSD & shower the mum with kindness!

You sound fab, OP. Your DSD is lucky to have you and considering how much time you spend together you are indeed one of her parents!

It doesn't matter if she's glued to the child 24/7, she is not one of her parents.

AndTake :It doesn't matter if she's glued to the child 24/7, she is not one of her parents.

I disagree, as does the dictionary definition of parent!
To bring up, take care of, look after, be like a Mother or Father to her.
I assume you mean she is not her 'birth parent' which she has never claimed to be! Adopted parents are not 'birth parents' yet they do everything a parent should and I bet they would take huge objection to being told they are not their child's parents! No its not the same but it is similar and shows how ridiculous that statement is!

There are step parents who having lost their husband/ wife continue raising their step children as their own! I know a family where this has happened, the Step Father is as good a father as any birth father I know. Much better than the ass who walked out on them when they were all too young to even remember them! I also know 'parents' who don't deserve the title! My biological grandmother was one! My Grandad came home from national service to find my Dads brother and sister (age 2 and 3) raking the neighbours bins starving and my Dad as an infant screaming alone in a cot(their Mother had been out on the piss for several days), soaked in urine and faeces which had burned him so badly that he spent months in hospital having skin grafts! It was my Gran (having married my Grandad) who took my Dad on as her own, adopting him on her marriage certificate! No she wasn't his 'birth mother' but she brought him up as her own, loved and cherished him, did everything for him! She was his Mum, not the woman who gave birth to him! And she was certainly my Dads parent!

I'm not saying that the OP's step daughter needs a new Mother, she already has a Mum! But she is her parent, all be it her stepparent, she is 'like' a Mother to her step daughter, she takes care of her, looks after her and is the main carer who is bringing up her step daughter!

Dictionary definition of Parent
a person's father or mother:
"the parents of the bride" · [More]
synonyms: mother · father · birth/biological parent · [More]
VERB
be or act as a mother or father to (someone).
"exhaustion is incompatible with good parenting" · [More]
synonyms: bring up · be the parent of · look after · take care of · [More]
More definitions, word origin and translations

His ex wife is bonkers love and needs to bloody well move on.

Idk why you're getting so much shit from people on here.

This is so one of those threads where you KNOW you are getting just one side of a story.

I think it might help if you reframe this as the ex deciding to change to the other surname that is within her immediate family, ie her daughter's.

Step parents get a hard time on here OP, don't let the negative posts get you down.

ExW is obviously cray cray to be changing her name 5 years after divorce.

Good call not letting her have a key to your home.

She's definitely still hung up on your DH and the warning bells in your head are going off for good reason.

Wow. Some harsh words in here. Myself and some other mners have said that we have aligned or are considering aligning our names with our children post divorce and we have variously been described as bonkers, unhinged, desperate and crazy. Nice touch calling us "birth mothers" too

inkydinky
Wanting to align your name post divorce when you're all moved on and functioning like normal people makes perfect sense.

Being annoyed when an ex has moved on, only changing your name after he's found somebody else, demanding a key for their house and refusing to discuss arrangements for the child with a step-parent who is parenting the child with the child's father 5/7 of the time is just a little unhinged.

I think the birth mother thing is to establish between step mother and birth mother. Clumsy, yes but not exactly awful. There are people on here who refuse to accept that step parents awful really even parents (or more accurately for MN, step mums aren't parents but if a poster has an amazing husband who has stepped up and does what the OP does then their husband is an amazing parent and so much better than the non-resident parent).

You don't know any of that is true, and you should never call anyone unhinged on a biased third hand account.

I think the birth mother thing is to establish between step mother and birth mother. Clumsy, yes but not exactly awful.

You don't need the distinction. There is the mother, and there is the not the mother. It's quite easy to tell the difference. Birth mother is offensive.

It's disrespectful imo to call her mum her birth mother. She's her mum end of.

A stepmother is not her parent.

She can call herself what she likes and if presumably her child has that name it's totally understandable.

REscuePuppy, you were also offensive to adoptive parents as well.

And BTW, ! is not punctuation, using one at the end of every single sentence makes you look like an excitable teen. Desist.

A stepmother is not her parent
And yet women on mumsnet have zero issue with parading their amazing new partners around and talk about how amazing they are at parenting their DC whereas their ex (the children's dad) is so useless etc.

One rule for step fathers (partners of MNetters) and another for step mother's (who seem to be expected to do everything a parent would, adore them like their own but shouldn't do anything in the role of a parent for fear of a mob telling her to know her place)

Parents can be biological or non biological.

I find it ludicrous that somebody could be parenting a child, being and amazing step parent. The other biological parent could be totally out the picture and yet according to MN the step parent isn't a parent but the biological parent who fucked off is.

Or maybe its different people answering?

Why do so many people struggle with the notion that we aren;t a hive mind? It's not a difficult concept.

It's not about hive mind.

But I have noticed that step mother's get a bad time on a lot of threads. Maybe in part because by the time you read so many replies all about how their child's actual mother can do no wrong whilst the step mam can't win people decide it's not even worth chipping in. It's easier to roll your eyes to yourself than try to explain that there's a huge difference between how non resident parents and step parents are discussed. Usually step dad's come off well and step mums come off poorly. It's accepted that thr dad will be the non resident parent and it's viewed as fine when a step dad parents the child, but not the other way round.

Really, surely it's better that children have loving parental relationship with their parents and step parents.

Agree with Fizzy. Lots of digs at the mother that aren't relevant to the OPs supposed query.

But I have noticed that step mother's get a bad time on a lot of threads

A lot of them come on here acting like dicks.

And you're missing an important point in your analysis. Step fathers are quite often filling an empty space, where the father has left, has no contact, doesn't contribute etc. Step mothers very rarely are. So when they bandy about words like "birth mother" which seeks to minimise the actual mother and make the step centre stage as the "real" parental figure, yes, they get a hard time.
Because they deserve it.

Oh well OP, you aren't a parent to DSD. Make her mother and father pay for overnight care when he works away from home; never keep her mother up to date with information about her (as it's not your responsibility); don't treat her as your own, in fact don't engage with her in any loving or caring way. Only step-fathers are allowed to do that and be classed as parenting or raising a child.

Why bother, you cannot call her your daughter, say you parent her or are a parent to her and you have clearly ruined a relationship between her and her mother, who is distraught and beside herself at the whole situation.