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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

205 replies

user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 18:16

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

OP posts:
MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 30/06/2017 19:16

Are people not reading the thread?

The OP and her husband care for DSD 5 out of 7 days a week. They are covering their fair share of raising her by the sound of it, both physically and financially.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/06/2017 19:16

Erm, the OP had stated they have the DSD Sunday to Friday, 5/7. So no, maintenance shouldn't be paid to the mother for her.

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 30/06/2017 19:18

If it's any consolation, my ex's second wife only started calling herself by his surname after he died and she was challenging his will. I think she felt it gave her more clout with the courts.

Untangled07 · 30/06/2017 19:19

Will there be calls for the mother to start paying maintenance, seeing as the daughter is with her dad from Sunday to Friday? I won't hold my breath...

Lucysky2017 · 30/06/2017 19:19

My ex won't even have the children one night a year never mind 5 a week! I work full time. I do feel a bit of anti working mother comment though - do you feel better than ther - being home, doing caring, housewife stuff, denigrating the hard working mother who is having to cope with her child in a sense being stolen away because you moved nearer her school who fears perhaps total loss of her child she works so hard to provide for and the one way she might keep that connection is through the name change?

I have my ex husband's surname (it's even my business name and also the name of our 5 children and no way would I ever change it - I have a huge reputation for business in it for a start) so he his new wife and I share the same name but it's not an issue. It certainly seems weird that this woman would change her name later but you get that. Diana The Princess of Wales was a huge negotiation issue in the divorce - the precise right to trade off the name after divorce; always iof course women wrestling with this stuff as men just carry on regardless usually with the same name,.

(Writing as a mother who paid out to a man after the divorce, man pays nothing and our court order says I not only pay 5 lots of school fees about their university costs too which will be £150k in total over the next 3 years, lucky me....).

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:20

weyhay

not really drip-feed, if you read the posts the info's all there.

since we all moved in together DH's daughter is with us more - so his time with her has increased. we decided on this as her school is up the road from us and the ex had told us she was moving away but didn't know where..... possibly abroad. we love her to bits and the DSs are teenagers and surprisingly low maintenance.

I am sorry you have formed a negative opinion of me based on so little information.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 30/06/2017 19:20

If she's farming the child out at weekends why not just ask her if she'd rather go to an EOW arrangement like most other non resident parents . As for the name thing she just sounds a bit bonkers and you need to just rise above it .

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:21

lucksy2017

lot of assumptions here - I work full time in the health service and am currently doing PhD

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 30/06/2017 19:22

OP it is weird to pick now to change, totally different if it was already her name and she didn't want to change it. Nothing you can do about it though so best to ignore.

As lulu says - to have kept her maiden name all through her marriage, and the divorce, and now to suddenly change to her ex's is beyond weird and smacks of trying to assert "ownership".

However, he is married to you, not her - in the years since they separated he has obviously not entertained the idea of getting back with her, though he obviously loves his DD and quite rightly tries to keep things on an even keel for her.

bearing in mind that if he had wanted a relationship with this woman he has plenty of opportunity to renew it, I wouldn't be worried if I were you.

Yes - it is irritating, but honestly - she's more to be pitied than to be censured.

(She isn't worried that your DH is sidelining their daughter, is she? If so, it could just be a way or reminding him that he has a child.)

YoshimiBTPR · 30/06/2017 19:23

So she had a great set up with her ex, 50-50 shared care etc....and now himself has moved away with you and the daughter has gone too for most of the week?

That's what I was thinking.
Thats so sad. I can't imagine doing that to my DC (or my ex).

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:27

happyflayppy

love your comments although DH is incredibly involved with his daughter and very close (they separated shortly after her birth and he has been full on from day one). Job requires travel nowadays which means I take up the slack re logistics

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:28

pollythedolly

Haha

OP posts:
honeylulu · 30/06/2017 19:32

She sounds a bit nutty to change her name now and I suspect it is goady. Rise above it though - its legal to call yourself whatever you like in the UK.
My husband was divorced when I met him and he was a bit annoyed that his ex chose to continue using his name because she preferred it (they had no kids). Then she remarried but - this is REALLY odd - she continued to call herself Mrs First husband not Mrs second husband, again because she preferred the name. I wonder what Mr Second husband thought of that (they did then have children together).
Meanwhile I married H and didn't change my name (we also went on to have children) and I thought it was hilarious that he had an ex wife who used his name and a current wife who didn't.
I couldn't care less.
Apparently she is now married a third time but no idea what she calls herself these days.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/06/2017 19:33

Blimey, birth mothers really can do wrong against step mothers can they?!

Where has it been suggested that the DD was dragged kicking and screaming from the mother so she is a "poor" woman who has lost her dd?

Presumably she is happy with the arrangement otherwise it wouldnt be happening and she would be challenging it in court?

No maintenance is payable from the OP's DH, but is most certainly is from the the mother but I notice that no one is calling the mother a deadbeat for not contributing financially towards her daughters day to day upkeep, depsite all the posts up top slagging the father off. Funny that.......

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/06/2017 19:33

really can do NO wrong against.....can't

ElspethFlashman · 30/06/2017 19:34

Perhaps she has changed her name because you now have the same surname as her daughter and she is worried people may mistake you for the child's mother

I suspect this is bang on the money.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:36

It happened shortly after I refused to allow her the key to our house "for drop off's if we were not home".

Just seemed very odd and possessive.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:40

pyongyangkipperbang

You made me laugh - yes I feel rather more like the step monster here! And no - we wouldn't dream of asking for financial contribution - too funny! And yes no complaints about the arrangement from the ex - she is creating a situation where she is the fun parent to hang out with at the weekend, basically.

OP posts:
TheHiphopopotamus · 30/06/2017 19:41

Blimey, birth mothers really can do wrong against step mothers can they

Exactly this. Some of the comments on this thread...Hmm

HoHoHoHo · 30/06/2017 19:42

You should change your firstname to hers to wind her up.

TheHiphopopotamus · 30/06/2017 19:43

You should change your firstname to hers to wind her up.

Oh my god! Genius! Grin

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:45

hohohoho

that's hilarious! but incredibly childish Halo

OP posts:
thealbatross · 30/06/2017 19:54

*And I treat her as one of the family
*
As opposed to what??

YoshimiBTPR · 30/06/2017 19:55

Maybe I have completely misunderstood but if I have then it's because OP wrote things like -
They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together).

And clearly set out a situation where the mother was happy before but not now.

OP described a situation that in her own words was successful shared parenting but now the child is with neither father nor mother most of the week. It read to me like a family who have effectively only had to recently deal with splitting up.

I think misunderstanding the situation is pretty understandable?

But as I don't get, nothing useful to contribute.

greendale17 · 30/06/2017 19:56

Why would someone want to keep their ex husband's name? Bizarre