to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

[user1491407396]

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

@OP You're never going to win here, MN is bonkers when it comes to step parents

"Oh, so he went off and had another family so he now only sees his daughter at weekends. You're bastards."

Then, when it's pointed out you have her 5 days a week ...

"Oh, so you've stolen her daughter and she only sees her at weekend. You're bastards"

Add in a fuckload of assumption and projection and bingo, typical MN step parent thread.

Perhaps she has changed her name because you now have the same surname as her daughter and she is worried people may mistake you for the child's mother

I also agree that this is probably why she's changed her name.

Bloody hell OP. How dare you, as a mere step-mother, have any involvement in, nay opinion even, on your step daughters life. Poor girl, ripped from the bosom of her doting mother to spent 5 days a week with you. Ffs, it's ridiculous how step parents are treated on this site.

yoshimiBTPR

OP described a situation that in her own words was successful shared parenting but now the child is with neither father nor mother most of the week. It read to me like a family who have effectively only had to recently deal with splitting up.

I think you could be on the money with that comment

thealbatross

you are quite right, very clumsily worded. what was i thinking?

She's a bit nuts and seemingly insecure, let her get on with it!

And as predicted, not one person has suggested that the mother should be paying maintenance since the OP revealed the 5/2 split. Only dads are deadbeats it seems........

Wish people would read the thread before posting

Wish the 1st post actually contained all the relevant information.
Wish posters wouldn't massively drip-feed.

musicforthejiltedgeneration

yes I feel rather battered and put it down to people not reading the posts properly and/or my inability to explain properly.

you are probably right about the mum not wanting me to be mistaken for her daughter but it is pretty unavoidable and has happened many times. and i find it weird to correct people - especially 'strangers' as it puts a label on DSD so let it slide

Pyongyang... I am indeed wondering why the mum isn't paying maintenance!

Yes the DM is the odd one out now - DD, DH and you have the same name.
Chances are she will meet someone else soon and the arrangement will change again.

I think that I would keep my married name if me and Dh split up for the following reasons:-

It has been my name for nearly 20 years - give it a couple more years and it will have been my name longer than my maiden name.
It is my children's name
I have a professional reputation with it
I like it better than my maiden name (which is why I was willing to change in the first place!)
It is my name!

Changing it 5 years after the divorce is just bonkers though! The type of thing the weird relative that we all roll our eyes about would go and do. (My weird relative signs all cards from her, her daughter, her son and her granddaughter. No mention of the granddaughters other parent - who her daughter is happily married to! - or her son's partner that he lives with. Son and daughter are well into their thirties.)

Just feel sorry for her. People who know will be WTFing behind her back.

justtiredofcoping - I agreed with all of your post and then we came to
"The whole he does not pay alimony, but does pay for school and sports - is odd. are we talking private school fees in lieu of maintenance - that is a cop out." Then I really laughed - this is what my ex did last year and this year a family court judge agreed with him and praised him. I absolutely despair of the family courts - they are determined at the moment to make a mockery of anything that should be in place to support a child. And are unaccountable as they do so.

weyhay

first time poster mistakes. if i ever come on here again i will prepare a more complete (back) story

and i find it weird to correct people - especially 'strangers' as it puts a label on DSD so let it slide

I know what you mean, you don't want to be like, "She's not my daughter, she's my step-daughter!"

Perhaps a friendly smile and something like, "I wish she was, but she's my lovely step-daughter!" when you do need to point it out (not to random shop assistants etc, obviously).

mrbobdobalina

exactly!!

refuses to discuss any child issues with me

Why should she?

YANBU at all, MN can be shite when it comes to attitudes towards step-parents. Either you're trying to lure the DC's allegiance, woefully neglecting them, trying to prevent their father parenting or paying maintenance, or are just general bad'uns.

Changing her name 5 years post-divorce is batshit, weird and deliberately trying to provoke a reaction. Ignore it, pull a face if it's ever mentioned.

janeismymiddlename

because I am one of her parents!!

ahedgehogcanneverbebuggered

thank you - some of these comments are quite something!

Honestly I find it strange that women give up their name so easily upon marriage and even if they don't do that they seem to name their offspring after the father. Then they break up and have all these naming dramas. Sorry not the most helpful post.

I would imagine this woman feels hugely threatened by you as you've literally turned her world upside down by decreasing the amount of time she spends with her child. I think some compassion wouldn't go amiss.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry

If you had RTWT you would know that the reason he pays nothing is because he has the child 5 days a week and the mother 2. I assume you are as outraged that the mother pays nothing and expects to be reimbursed when she buys her DD something?

Definitely think the mother should be paying maintenance in light of the change in circumstances.

because I am one of her parents!!

No, you're not. No wonder this woman hates you if you think you are. I would too.

Andtake considering that she does more parenting than either of the birth parents, I would say that she is! Mother sees her DD 2 days a week, Father works away.....its a fucking good job the DD has someone who is there for her.

And lets face it, if the mother thinks that the OP has no place in discussions about parenting stuff then why the hell is she happy for the OP to be the girls main care giver?!

Seems like mum wants it all ways....and to be fair to her, she has managed to get it.

Steparents can't do anything right it seems. Upthread OP was lambasted for saying "I treat her like one of the family" (as if she should dare not think of her as anything other than one of the family). Now she is being bollocked for referring to her active parenting role. Yes how dare she parent her loved stepdaughter while the father works away and mother has time to herself. What a selfish cow the OP is.

No, you're not. No wonder this woman hates you if you think you are. I would too.

Yes she is. Step-parent.