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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

205 replies

user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 18:16

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

OP posts:
MumIsRunningAMarathon · 30/06/2017 18:52

How is it 'interference' ?

inkydinky · 30/06/2017 18:53

I'm considering doing the same. And believe me, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. I didn't change my name when we got married or use his even once in the 20 years we were together. But, I did consent to our children having his name. And now we are divorced he isn't consenting to them having mine. So, I'm considering formally changing it so I have their name, possible by double barrelling (though I don't intend to use it much) which makes life easier re travel etc.

MrBobDobalina · 30/06/2017 18:54

Ach, I couldn't get worked up about it. She can call herself what she wants. And as you say, it's her daughter's surname - it may not have mattered to her before that they had different names, but perhaps it matters to her now?

A lot of people take women's surname choices personally, whether they choose to change them on marriage or not. I would begin by realising that her name is nothing to do with you, nor your DH - it's her choice and hers alone. Unless she also changes her first name to match yours, you can feel free to ignore Smile

PoorYorick · 30/06/2017 18:55

You've got her daughter for 5/7 of the time, that may be difficult for her even if she does work full time. It might be why she's decided to change her name; if she doesn't see much of her daughter, the name may feel like a link.

I can see why you're peeved but there's sweet fuck all you can do about it. Keep it civil, keep the kids' interests paramount at all time and let the rest slide.

Oldbutstillgotit · 30/06/2017 18:55

When my first husband and I divorced I kept my married name as I wanted to have the same name as my then very young children.only changing it when I remarried years later . Ex's new wife strongly objected and demanded I change it . I refused even when ex had a lawyer's letter sent to me. To me it showed a lack of security in their relationship and I think that's what is happening with you. Oh and I would NEVER discuss my children with new wife . Sorry but YABVU.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 18:55

musicforthejiltedgeneration

BRILLIANT

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 18:57

Thank you all for the great comments, yes on balance I will move over this and get over it

It had just been the latest in a string of similar incidents and I needed to vent...

Oh and sorry for the lack of paragraphs - first time poster etc

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 30/06/2017 18:59

It's her married name and her dds name so not a big deal. My exsil still has my db name after 22 yrs separated.

but refuses to discuss any child issues with me.. It her and her ex dh's child, totally up to her if she wants to discuss issues privately with her dds dad, and your dh updates you later.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:01

weallhavewings

True but I organise most of the childcare, ferrying and homework etc as DH travels a lot.

And the point was she never used the name during her marriage - but 5 years post divorce!

OP posts:
snackarella · 30/06/2017 19:03

Having been the new wife to an ex I know how you feel and many people use the children as a convenient way to keep a hold over the other party. It's very common and I'd suggest you take the high road if you can. ( easier said than done! I know)
The relationship they had doesn't sound sustainable when either has another partner and unfortunately he found you before she got a bf.
She will find someone eventually and calm fish I'm
Sure - good luck x

LadyLapsang · 30/06/2017 19:03

Perhaps she has changed her name because you now have the same surname as her daughter and she is worried people may mistake you for the child's mother. Maybe the way round it would be for her daughter to take her surname or for them both to double-barrel the surname so the respective family relationships are clearer.

alpacasandwich · 30/06/2017 19:03

No idea why you're getting such a hard time on here. She's obviously still hung up on your DH.

Taking on the name after so long is a bit unhinged.

justtiredofcoping · 30/06/2017 19:05

What has the fact that her mother is a professional woman who works full time got to do with your DH paying appropriately for his child.
I earn as much as my Ex - he is responsible for 50% of the costs of raising his DCS - my income has nothing to do with his responsibilities. I do not need their fathers income to cater for our DCS, I can fortunately for me afford to do it on my own. However, that does not negate his responsbilities.

Alimony is irrelevant - paying maintenance for the everyday costs of his child is common decency. He is not a disney Dad paying for the fun - butpaying for her knickers and hair cuts is actually what co parenting is about.

We pay for all DSDs big costs - so not school fees, just sport etc

And obviously not costs for her care at her mothers ? Are you two living in cloud cuckoo land.

50:50 has gone to 72: 28 - I would be pissed off and no change in support

She gets on well with your 2 DCS - excellent but what has them losing their father got to do with his relationship with his daughter. It is coming across that you have used your DH to replace your DCs father at the expense of his own relationship with his DDs.

Whilst I do think it is a little odd about the name change - I have to say I could get her reasoning if she knew it irked you.

Sorry your DP needs a reality check on his responsibilities as a parent and if he is feeling guilty - too damn right he should be.

WeyHay · 30/06/2017 19:06

However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need

Translation: since your DH's child lost her father as he decided that step-parenting someone else's children was more important ...

Try to see it from her POV, and that of your DH's actual child.

I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports)

Translation: your DH pays for his child. And no, why should she discuss her daughter's "issues" with you?

There are at least two other points of view to this - you sound very demanding & whining. And you lack empathy for the mother of your DH's child. No wonder DH's ex will not discuss her DD with you.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:07

oldbutstillgotit

certainly don't plan to lawyer up!! interesting point of view! I had put it more down to her insecurity as she tends to farm the kid out most weekend and holidays.

ladylapsang

that wouldn't work. apparently she has always complained that she hated her own name as it is very common, yet used it professionally and personally.

OP posts:
GherkinSnatch · 30/06/2017 19:08

WeyHey the daughter lives with the OP Sunday-Friday for school.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 19:08

Sorry - probably a bit unclear. No alimony as such as she is a professional woman working full time. We pay for all DSD's big costs (obv. not costs for her care at her mother's

Alimony is spouse support, nobody is asking you about that. Are you saying the child lives with you?

WankYouForTheMusic · 30/06/2017 19:10

It may or may not be intended as a dig at you. But since there's literally fuck all you can do about it even if it is, your choices are take the high road or stamp your feet. Option A is almost always a better look.

WeyHay · 30/06/2017 19:10

What would possess him to upsticks and move in with a woman and her two children in another town when he has 50/50 access to his child, the mind boggles.

Indeed.

Still, it's easy for the OP's husband. He can just leave his 1st family and set up a new one.

And the new wife can make the mother of the his child feel like she has to be grateful for "school and sports" being part-paid for, as if they're being generous.

Original poster
user1491407396 · 30/06/2017 19:10

andtakeyourhorsewithyou

Yes sunday to friday 5 nights with us and 2 with her mother

OP posts:
WeyHay · 30/06/2017 19:12

the daughter lives with the OP Sunday-Friday for school.

Well, there's a huge drip-feed.

But still, if I were the child's mother, I wouldn't discuss things with the OP - she doesn't sound very nice.

KeyChange · 30/06/2017 19:14

She probably contacts your DH about stuff cos she's missing out on her daughter 5/7 days. The name is another connection to her daughter.

AndTakeYourHorseWithYou · 30/06/2017 19:15

So she had a great set up with her ex, 50-50 shared care etc....and now himself has moved away with you and the daughter has gone too for most of the week?
No wonder she has changed her name to her DAUGHTERS name, the poor woman.

RebootYourEngine · 30/06/2017 19:16

Wish people would read the thread before posting.

PollytheDolly · 30/06/2017 19:16

Take no notice. It's to goad you, rise above it. My DH's ex never used his name when married and the now adult DCs had her name throughout and still do.

Roll on to us getting engaged she starts using his name first time ever. Hmm

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