to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

[user1491407396]

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

But that's the assumption. Step fathers fill in a gap but step mother's don't. In this case the OP is parenting the child 5/7 days a week. And that's not good enough for some posters. She IS part of the primary caring arrangement.

My point is that if a step father was living with mum and the child was spending 5/7 days nobody would be accusing the step dad of wading in and trying to be the 'real' parental figure. They'd say he's an awesome step dad.

Here we have a situation where the mother is being totally unreasonable and there's been calls criticising the dad for not paying maintenence to the mother! When it's been pointed out that the dad and step mam are the main caregivers arrangement and the mother is the non resident parent suddenly the idea of maintenence drops. It's like it's not an issue if the mother doesn't pay, she must be so upset. There's been posts talking about how 'as a mother I couldn't even consider only seeing my child 2 days', and yet it's almost expected that that's is perfectly fine for dad's. Mum gets new partner and dad sees child at weekend, all fine. Flip it round and the step mum must be some awful individual.

AndTake in this instance the mother doesn't contribute and acts like the fathers you have described.
Perhaps those women who are so against step mothers should actually reply on a case by case basis, instead of an instant and collective dismissal and belittling of all step mothers regardless of situation.

There's a lot of insecurity about being replaced by a step mum on this thread. The OP has repeatedly said that she parents her DSD (which is factually correct - I'd be extremely worried is she didn't parent her when she is responsible for her care for 5 days each week) and that the Mum has a happy, healthy, loving relationship with her daughter.

The issue is about a name change 5 years after the relationship ended. I can actually see the logic of the whole passport thing now. which wouldn't have occurred to me before, so maybe it's not as creepy as it initially suggests. I changed my name when I got married many years ago, so I've never had to deal with being questioned at customs about why a random child is travelling with me under a different name. I suppose it could get even worse if European border controls tighten further, even on the mainland.

My point is that if a step father was living with mum and the child was spending 5/7 days nobody would be accusing the step dad of wading in and trying to be the 'real' parental figure. They'd say he's an awesome step dad

I would if he was claiming to be one of the parents and bitching about his step kids actual dad. I'd be saying the exact same to him as I am to OP.

It's not about genitals, its about how you act.

Going back to my previous comment about her changing her name at this point being triggered because now you have the same surname as her daughter and she is concerned you would be mistaken for the child's mother, I am more convinced this is the case as you have said you don't correct people when they assume you are her mother. I wonder if the mum has attended a school or related event and had a conversation with a teacher or fellow parent and that person has looked confused when being introduced and said I thought OP was the mother. In fairness, I do think you should correct people and tell them you are proud to be her step mum.

if anything this thread is a good example of how step mums quite often interpret their partners ex's actions as always full of malicious intention...and then encourage other people to also view the woman negatively.

what stuck out most OP was your snidey 'we pay for all her costs'. you have a chip on your shoulder about the ex that you should be honest to yourself about. you are annoyed enough to make a first ever post on mumsnet about it!

the fact is the mother has changed her name for her own reasons and is I assume legally entitled to. if you are really curious you could actually ask but you prefer to pretend you are taking the higher ground!

all of the detail you have provided about the mother are your negative interpretation of conversations retold via your dh.

I am guessing the mother has only her dds best interests at heart and some empathy would probably go a long way.

as your dh and ex had an amicable coparenting friendhip before and you are now involved in coparenting it would make more sense to invite ex over for a lunch and build a less tense suspicious relationship with her. in the long run it will be worth it, there will be school/ uni graduations and weddings/ grandchildren stretching into the future.

I think you need to have more empathy for the ex's point if view, op.

Before you, she had a nice 50 / 50 childcare arrangement with your dh. Then he moves away to a different town (idk how far away) and then fir whatever reason it's decided it's best that her child lives away from her all week.

I know these things can happen with divorce but I'd feel pretty upset if that happened (and personally would not be prepared for my dh to get the lions share of time with my dc in the same situation).

And yes, if my dh wouldn't agree to changing my dc's surname to double barrel with my surname I would be forced to keep my dc's surname as there's no way I'd put myself in the situation where I had to prove my dc were my children when travelling abroad etc.

Let it go. I'm not saying some of the things she's said are a bit but I expect are understandably in response to her worse off situation since you came on the scene.

I can't see any issue with the duvets tbh, which makes me think all these 'examples' are in no way goady or because she still has feelings for her ex.

There is nothing wrong with being a step parent. In many cases they are more loving than an actual parent. But the fact remains that they are not the parent and it's disingenuous to call them such. They hold the position by virtue of marriage to the actual parent and should that marriage be dissolved then there is no relationship of legal standing to speak of. So to try and undermine the mum by referring to her as the birth mother is offensive.

If they previously had a very good relationship then I would question whether the OP needs to look at herself.

In regards to the name, has anyone even considered that the child may have expressed a wish to her mum that they share a name? it's really not any of the Ops business what the mum chooses to call herself.

Step parents are never parents. That is why we have a special work - step parent. That does not mean they cannot lvoe, bond with and care for the step child. I love it that my children get on with their new step mother - not that they often see her or their father (his choice). I think she's really nice. He and she pay nothing and do just about nothing so it's lal pretty unfair but eveyrone is happy with it (except occasionally me so it doesn't much matter and now the youngest are teenagers it's even easier for me than when they were younger).

I would always want the same surname as the children and will not change it.

They hold the position by virtue of marriage to the actual parent and should that marriage be dissolved then there is no relationship of legal standing to speak of

Shouldn't this be the case with op's dh and his ex no longer married so no longer in a relationship. Both being related to the daughter doesn't make the two of them family the ex is batshit if she doesn't get this. You can have a child with someone you've known 5 minutes. However as long as your dh doesn't agree with dinners out etc etc then it's not a problem just ignore her other than discussions re dsd.

They are not IN a relationship but they do HAVE a relationship. They are co-parents. You;re batshit if you don't get that.

A stepmother is not her parent

And yet if it was the op who said she's not a parent to her dsd she would be called for that as well- for lacking in acknowledgement of their relationship with the child, cold, etc..

No she wouldn't. It doesn't matter who says it, she isn't the parent. Facts don't change based on your feelings about family set ups. She isn't the childs parent, end of story.

She didn't give birth to her, no. But she is still a parent- a step parent. A parental figure. And she is also the girl's primary carer, and she should definitely be acknowledged as such.

We have two words in English - step parent and parent and we have the word step parent because it distinguishes and makes things clear. No one is staying step parents are not good step parents but they are a step. They can sometimes be better than the father and mother but I think using the step word is very important. My children have their mother (me ) and their step mother and their father.

If the child here is at school and has father, mother and step mother I don't agree the step mother is the "primary carer". The mother has the child I think at weekends so probably as as much time one on one as the step mother and father has.

Whoever does the bulk of the care most of the week, is the primary carer.

In a situation where a child stays with their dad every weekend, would you still say their mum isn't the child's primary carer because of all the one on one time they get with their dad at the weekend? What about all the hard work during the week that the mum does? Well that exactly what the op does for her stepdaughter. She's her primary carer.

It's quite possible the ex has zero interest in your husband as territory and is trying to keep your husbands involvement at the level it was before for her DAUGHTER's sake. She took her daughters name.

In the US he would not be allowed to move to another town unless the ex agreed to it. It wasn't a kind move for his daughter. You should do all you can to ensure he can support his daughter like he has. Frankly it sounds like you might be heading down the evil stepmom route. Just be kind, don't begrudge little things like duvets, and try to see it from the daughters perspective. The ex is not a threat, they've been divorced a long time. It's not about you.

I feel sorry for her. Your DH has pissed off to another town to bewith you and your DCs, now her DD has joined you all. She'd have to be a saint not to feel pangs about that. Well she's not a saint she is human. Youve got it all, and its still not enough for you is it? So what if she uses his name/her DDs surname? Why should she talk about "child issues" with you? You need to sit all the way down. Youre too smug by far and only angry about use of name as it's 1 thing you cant control. If you were truly happy in yourself and relationship you wouldn't be bothered. You are bothered though, and it serves you right as you've got it all and still, you want more (control)

Same as people who love calling ex wives "needy" and "pathetic" on a whim - but avoid the fact theyre unhappy due to a situation their dickhead DH has caused, cant face up to him about it, so try to take it out on ex-wife. If thats not needy and pathetic I dont know what is

I don't have my kids and husband's name and it's a total pain when traveling abroad as they always have to check I'm not Kidnapping them. Have to carry birth certificates and marriage certificate and many times I forget. And they usually ask the children. Plus I look like them.

He hasnt "pissed off to another town" its called moving in, living life, whats the point in them being divorced if he has to stay in her pocket at her beck and call?!

There wouldnt be those sorts of comments if the wife had moved town and taken the dd with her.

Yet more double standards.

There would be.
Please stop telling people what they would say, its twatty.

If they previously had a very good relationship then I would question whether the OP needs to look at herself.
Oh yes because no ex-wife ever ever gets jealous or petty when the husband moves on, it must be the new woman.

MistressDeeCee fwiw, I agree with you.

Women - whether we like it or not - are socialised or conditioned to feel that we look after people, ncluding our children. The Exeter-wife may be feeling terribly guilty about the whole thing.

And the tone of the Op is not very kindly towards the child's mother. The OP's attitude reads a little bit like she wishes the child's actual mother would piss off and leave her alone.

How dare the child's mother only communicate with the child's father over their daughter? I mean, who does she think she is? Just some awful career woman. How very dare she? /sarcasm alert

Ex-wife duh, my phone thinks it's in Devon

How dare the child's mother only communicate with the child's father over their daughter? I mean, who does she think she is? Just some awful career woman. How very dare she?
Well why can't she do whats best for the bloody daughter and communicate with the main carer in this situation. Is it only up to fathers to put their feelings aside for the kids, mothers can do whatever they want?