to be upset by DH's ex taking his name

[user1491407396]

Recently married DH who has been divorced 5 years and has 1 daughter from that marriage (6 yo). Their marriage broke down shortly after she was born (nothing to do with me). They were successfully co-parenting until I came along (keys to each others' houses, 50/50 split in childcare, lived nearby, had child-related outings together). However, since I came on the scene and we moved in together to another town with my two DSs things have become increasingly strained as DH is no longer on tap for her every need. She has been bombarding DH with emotional letters grieving their loss of friendship, wanting him to take her to dinner to discuss DSD, constantly phoning/emailing him at work to discuss haircuts and underwear. She completely blames my existence for the change in her status quo: in her words "there's room for other people but we three are the real family and will be together for the big milestones". I have met and she is perfectly civil to me but refuses to discuss any child issues with me. She does not receive alimony but we pay for all her costs (school, sports). When we moved house DSD came home one the first weekend with some new duvet covers plus an invoice to be reimbursed ffs. Anyway rant over as there are many incidents I could cite. Try to take them all in our stride but the latest discover is that she has suddenly started using DH's name - having never changed it when they married or during her marriage. We found out by accident and she first denied it although quickly afterwards admitted it saying it was purely a work name. Now I think there is more to it than that and am livid. DH says (and is right) that he can't stop her as she has the right to do so but I feel she is asserting some warped type of possession of Should I take the high road again?

We call ours The Boy and The Girl. Sometimes we call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. We're allowed to though because in the rules of MN, only biological parents can, Step-parents would only use those terms in an evil, step-parenty way!

nottheduchessofcambridge

we call the boys the scrotes or hairys - but yes - rules don't seem to apply to step kids

Picking the least important point to comment on - if SD is at yours 5 days a week and the duvet set's to be used there fair enough to reimburse her for it.
Otherwise, yes, rise above. She'll meet someone else and then it'll taper off. And just make sure you're also there for some of the milestones she's mentioned.
I've got a good friendship with exDH, works well, but both of us are still single. I do wonder what it'll be like when I'm dating someone again, if he'll change our laid-back arrangement. I won't care who he dates unless they are a bad influence on DD. If you rise above her possessiveness, you'll be setting a good example for DSD.

Why don't you go for full custody as ny the thinly veiled wording you don't think much of the woman or her parenting,

I can't work out how she was happily doing 50/50 parenting to wanting rid of her daughter ( just surmising based on what you have said) is she now realising the 5 days without your child are hard

OP hasn't commented on her parenting though.....

ilovegin112

why would I/we do that? (full custody) I have no say on her parenting - just saying the facts and she is the mother and her daughter adores her. that's how it should be. it is what it is.

i think she is quite happy with the arrangement for whatever reason. I haven't questioned it as it's not my place to do so.

I think someone hit the nail on the head when they said she will eventually find someone else (she has a history of affairs with married men) for her self and her focus will shift.

I hope I don't get abused for revealing that tidbit.

You're screwed now OP!

This thread reminded me why I never click on and Step threads. People cannot do right. This woman spends more time mothering the girl than the mother. Of course she should be told what's going on. She's raising her!

whatintheworldisgoingon

ha yep I'm crucified

wow

carouselfish

I guess the point is she was in a comfortable arrangement with ex until I came along. And then her world changed and maybe she decided I was (indirectly) a bad influence on the relationship with her DD. Maybe DD would like her SM? And the whole idea of a two-parent family with all the trimmings. I know that is corny but kids (sorry children) love stereotypes at that age.

and forget the effing duvet cover - that was just an example of her weirdness

because I am one of her parents!!

No. You're really not. She has two parents - both active in her life - she has no need for a third parent. You are very wrong to put yourself in this position. And you are wondering why the ex is competing with you?

If the OP is taking care of her 5 days out of 7, then no matter what you call it, she is her primary carer.

So she had a great set up with her ex, 50-50 shared care etc....and now himself has moved away with you and the daughter has gone too for most of the week?
No wonder she has changed her name to her DAUGHTERS name, the poor woman.

^ this

What age do the children start school in the Netherlands? HAs she just started school?
I think it might be to do with that, if there's nothing more weird going on - just to keep it clear that she is your DSD's mother, with the same name as your DSD; not you, even though you also have the same name as your DSD.

But if it's not about school then it's probably about possessiveness and not being able to let go.

Still, bit weird unless she's changing all her paperwork as well!

Does no one bother to read threads properly?!

The OP is the childs main carer, the mother is happy with the arrangement because it suits her and the only person who should be kicking off here is the OP! She is being expected to act like a mother without being involved in any of the discussions the birth parents have about the girl, despite them both spending far less time with with her than the OP does.

But yes of course..... what a "poor woman" the ex is

You sound fab, OP. Your DSD is lucky to have you and considering how much time you spend together you are indeed one of her parents!

I can't understand why people are choosing to dissect your posts and misinterpret them to attack you, a lot of projecting here, I think.

I think there's some insecurity from the EXW but I think you do right to take the high road and ride it out.

Pyongyang, it really is quite ridiculous isn't it. I wish my step father was half as attentive as OP is to her DSD.

I do think Elspeth got it. She suddenly has a different name from her dd's other family and wants to assert her belonging. Or she's batshit. But let's assume the former.
I didn't change my name on marriage and I'm not fussed that the dc have DH's surname (back story but fair). If we divorced and he married again and the new wife took his surname, then I guess I might want to be their surname too.

It just sounds wierd and sad to me tbh. I totally understand keeping a married name. I've had my married name longer than my maiden name at this point, it's definitely mine. I don't understand suddenly using your married name only at the point of divorce.

I would likely assume she's sad about the situation and trying to keep a connection to what they had as a family. Maybe having the same name as her child has suddenly become important to her if he has started spending more time away. It seems they were a family unit still for some of the time (albeit not a romantic one) and she's maybe just mourning the loss of that and the name helps her retain it in her head.

a lot of projecting here

Understatement of the year. More projecting here than in a multiplex cinema.

I love the double standard the Pyongyang Kipperbang pointed out. Outrage that the "deadbeat" father wasn't paying maintenance, until it was clear that it was the mother who should be paying it, at which point the matter was dropped like a stone, never to be brought up again.

Wow am I glad not to be a step parent! Threads like this explain how happily/ willingly, people would join witch hunts shouting 'burn the witch' despite not having the full story! Then cheering as women were burned to death, all over the allegations of a vicious neighbor/ husband/ insert correct relationship. I wonder how many of the 'witches' were step parents? Or how many of the accusers were jealous exes?

I would get it if this were a situation where op was the OW but its pretty clear that this is not the case! You are clearly doing a fantastic job of raising your little SD op! Or her Mother would be fighting for custody from the courts! You are her parent op! Who goes to her in the night when she is poorly or has a bad dream....you do! Who nurses her when she is sick and drops everything to go collect her from school when she is unwell.... you yes? Who makes her breakfast, brushes her hair, washes and irons her clothes, takes her to school, ferries her to after school commitments, play dates, makes her lunches and evening meals, buys her clothes, takes her to the dentist/ Doctors/ then reads her a bedtime story and kisses her goodnight? I'm guessing you do op! If that doesn't make you a parent then I guess I'm not a parent either... No wonder your dh's ex is happy with the arrangement, you are saving them a small fortune in wraparound childcare!

I think the ex enjoyed the status quo before you met your dh, she didn't necessarily want him but didn't want anyone else to have him either. It sounds like they were still 'married' only sleeping in different beds and homes. So she enjoyed the best of both worlds! She could have a lover and single lifestyle but then had her 'husband' to be there for all the odd jobs she needed doing, for joint childcare and the support that having a 'spouse' gives. She is angry now because she has lost her supportive spouse, you have 'stolen' him and in her mind you have stolen her dd too. She sounds very insecure in her relationship/ what role she plays in her daughters life.

But that is not your problem and I think its time that your dh pointed out exactly how much you contribute to her daughters care! She is at least due you her respect! She cannot expect you to be main carer for her daughter and refuse to discuss her care with you! What if your dh was away and unable to be contacted and your SD was rushed into hospital. Surely she would be discussing her care with you then?

Even if she was the OW the projecting wouldn't be acceptable.

OP his ex his behaving oddly. You are doing a great job. Perhaps she feels guilty about not being the BRO, even though she enjoys it. There could be a fair few things crossing over. Just carry on doing what you are doing. You are doing an awesome job.

NRP not BRO - bloody autocorrect