To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

Ouch. You poor thing. YANBU but you know that. If he works for a big company with flexibility, at the very least he could work from home to hel0 you out so you can go to bed. But his employer could have emergency care days for this kind of thing.
Have you tried outright telling him you are too ill to care for the kids so he needs to take the day off while you go back to bed?
Hope you and your DD feel better soon.

He should definetly take a day off.

YANBU by any stretch of the imagination - but, have you told him that you feel that his job is more important than his family? (I know people should realise you might feel this way but some men are very obtuse when it comes to stuff like this)

YANBU at all. That sounds appalling and I would be telling him exactly how I felt if I were you.

Threads like these make me exceedingly glad that DP is not a workaholic. I can't imagine ever prioritising my job over my partner and kids to such an extent.

I hope you and DD are feeling better and that things improve all-round in the future

YANBU but wondered if he could work a shorter day instead if he absolutely won't take a full day? Hope you get well soon.

YANBU, he really should take some time off in this situation. As Quentin says, did you ask him to? Perhaps he thinks you are coping fine....

Yep if you're that sick and have sick kids as well then no questions ! Although if I'd had parents or other help around in same circumstances my DH would've gone to work! But he wouldn't have left me sick and caring for sick kids no way !!

Thank you both for your responses. Makes me feel like my anger at this is valid.

I spent 2 hours roling around groaning in pain in bed from 1am until 3 ish when I fell asleep. He said to me at that point "Im sorry you're ill. I'm on a critical week F.A.T testing with the customer so I have to be in work tommorow sorry. Love you" then went back to sleep. I rang him at 7am to ask where he put my daughter's prescription I needed to pick up and he told me to look "properly" in the kitchen (because I'm supposed to know where he put it ).
I got annoyed he didn't ask how I was and had once again made it clear he "absolutely had" to be in work today, so I said to him "One of us has to get DDs (Dh) prescription so I needed to know where you put it! One of us has to care you waste of space". I feel bad for calling him that but I feel so ill. If I kick off and make him stay home as I once did in an emergency, he will spend the day thinking about how much work he has, how he is getting behind with it, making comments about how important it is, being moody about missing work and generally resentful behaviour towards me. Led here crying in bed feeling sorry for myself, in pain and feeling hurt and angry.
I'm sure he knows after my comments that he should be at home. I'm sure he knew I needed him anyway. I just think that he believes work comes first.

I better get baby a milk ready as she is stirring, get dressed and start running around to doctors, hospital and the pharmacist. x

You aren't being unreasonable but my sales team work to quarter end and this is the paramount time for big deals. It's unheard of them to be off at this time and for example if one of my team was off today he'd have delayed a 650k deal.

So yes some jobs (private sector) do have critically important times.

P.s forgot to mention my mum is my only option for help but is disabled, ill (lots of health issues and looking after my sisters two year old most days (today included). She's strugglimg to do that. I can't ask her xxx

I think a lot probably does depend on what his work is, but it sounds like it wouldn't EVER be a "good time" for him to take time off to cover you being sick.

So, HIBU, as are his work if they would actively prevent him from taking time off to help his family. Even if it does delay a deal.

Park all the resentment about your DH today and look after yourself. You could do witth an emergency nanny. If he has the funds and not the time this seems like a solution.
Which county are you in. Sure one of us could find you a number of a good agency.

He seems unreasonable and uncaring. You need to tell him that you can't look after kids and he can either take time off or sort out other arrangements. Then go back to bed, hide under the duvet and leave him to it.

What do you mean by sick day? He can't phone up and say he's too ill to come to work, that is fraud.
I'm a SAHM now, but if someone phoned me with the details you've given me, I'd offer annual leave, or WFH, if possible.
Acceptance testing is usually pretty critical on a project. Is there noone who can substitute for him today?

Op, whilst you are frustrated (understandable) with your DH he is unlikely to change so the only option is paid help, can you get an au pair/mothers help/ type person who will relieve some of the burden on a daily basis...l realise this does not help your immediate situation but longer term something has to give.

If your marriage is to survive and be happy, then this may well be your best option, surround yourslf with a network of help you can call on.

If DH complains of the cost then tell him he has a choice, either he takes time off in emergencies or you have to pay for help.

It is hard when a dp has a demanding job and can't take time off. You need to look at other options though, if your dm cant help out then find someone, a friend, who can.

Build up a network, do you go to toddler groups do you have any friends with dc? Take it in turns, if someone is ill they could text you to give you a break and vice versa.

I understand you frustration and its awful when ill with small dc, but to expect the dp to take time off unless you are an inpatient in hospital is imo unreasonable.

You are not being unreasonable.

I alwways used to say (interestingly to my ex) well if you went under a bus they would have to bloody cope. re the person on about the 650k deal - well if it delayed it it would come in next quarter - really that is more important than a sick wife and child having been up half the night in a&e - you need to get a life and start living it - no one ever went to the grave regretting having not worked more.

He sounds like an arsehole op.

I wonder how his colleagues and customers would feel if they knew that he's prioritised work over a really poorly wife and child today. They would think he was an arsehole too. I know I would if he were my supplier.

I wish you and DD a speedy recovery op.

He should look at taking time off or work from home if it doesn't impact his work/other people, but it shouldn't be a sick day. He's not sick so he should use annual leave or emergency parental leave.

but if someone phoned me with the details you've given me, I'd offer annual leave, or WFH, if possible.
But its not working from home either, is it? How can going sick in this instance be fraud, but working from home not be fraud?

some jobs (private sector) do have critically important times

Yeah but as the OP said, it always seems to be a critical time with her DH - he's a continual workaholic, it's not just a sad coincidence that he's busy while she's ill.

I think you'll struggle to change him. He sounds like a proper workaholic - not just busy, but addicted to the rush of being busy and being important. It is what it is, but you shouldn't have to ruin your health to facilitate that. Is there money for emergency childcare (it's about 20 quid an hour, you can register with an agency) or an au pair?

Well your Dh can't take a sick day as he's not sick....

I think it's the balance here. My DH is in a similar position and works long hours. They have an "on call" type thing rota between senior managers and if something happens then home life has to take a back seat. He's been up until 5am hosting conference calls before now.

On the other hand through his work is accommodating with serious illness - I was admitted to hospital for 3 nights last year for fairly major surgery and he had 4 days off as dependent's leave (paid) and another week working at home. But that was planned in advance and he was still fielding urgent calls during that time.

It's not always practical to drop everything and take the time off to deal with family stuff with no notice. OP you can chat with him about it for sure but if he's that much of a workaholic is he really going to change? Alternatively, you look for alternative strategies - friends, neighbours, cousins - anyone else who can form a support network. I have several friends whose husbands work long or irregular hours or who work away. My neighbour's DH is a surgeon and he just can't abandon a patient and come home if she's ill, so I help her out. She does the same for me.

You may be a little unreasonable - you can't have it both ways.
His high powered job funds your lifestyle, buying you a nice house and allowing you to stay at home. The sacrifice that comes with that is a lot of hard work and commitment to his job on his part.
If you're not happy with the current situation you need to sit down and discuss it sensibly. Perhaps if you took on part time work he could ease off a bit?

I'm a woman but in a similar role to your OH. Work life is constantly manic and there seem to be important deadlines/meetings that can't be missed every day. It's a very stressful environment. I do understand how your OH feels and like him, it would probably take an emergency for me to decide to stay at home.

In his situation, I would take it hour by hour, calling and only coming home if you'd indeed reached the point where you just physically couldn't do it any longer. I wouldn't take the day just to make it easier for you.

I know it is hard because you must be absolutely shattered and exhausted, but if your OH is as I am, he probably feels like this too very often and still goes to work and get through the day, so that's probably why he isn't showing the level of sympathy you would expect from him.

Still you should be talking to him about it as growing resentment is what kills relationships.

Yeah also on the 650k deal, a decent company will have identified the key person risk and made sure that there's someone who can cover absences. I used to work in a job with a monthly publication round and press release and stuff and there were at least 2 people trained up in every role.