To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

Hold up, OP! Your husband works around the clock to ensure you all have a comfortable lifestyle and nice house, yet you can't afford a nanny until payday. You really need to do a budget and ensure you have an emergency fund. Is it possible he's worried about staying off work because you are all living beyond your means?

I am sorry you and your poor child are so I'll and I hope you feel better soon.

Emergency nanny. If his job is so important he can't take any time off he has to pay for this.

I see this a lot; where high-powered men are able to opt out of family life through work, because there's a Default Parent at home, and they can absolve themselves via the sahp.

But that works for a lot of families and it isn't necessarily wrong - one partner brings in the dosh, the other does the family stuff. It's not opting out of being a parent, it's division of labour.

So sorry you're unwell OP. Even if it's something you don't want to consider actually doing, have you asked your DH what he would consider his role/responsibilities to be in your family life if you decided to go back to your previous, more senior role? You have a 20 week old so it's understandable that as you're at home the bulk of the childcare has fallen to you, but what does he expect to happen when you return to work in any capacity? Will it still all fall to you? I would want to find out those things, and find them out soon.

Haven't RTFT but if he earns a good salary (made possible by you running the home and looking after his DC) then get a part time nanny or childminder.

Sorry to go against the grain here but how important exactly is your DHs job if he's not even making enough to afford one day of emergency care before payday. Not meaning to be snarky; I know couples like this where one partner simply cannot take any time off and it all falls to the SAHP or the one working a less demanding job, but they have money as compensation to throw at the problem - i.e. Arrange for emergency childcare, get Ubers to and from hospitals, private healthcare so no waiting at GPs etc.
So in those cases the money compensates for other things. We have a different balance - much less money, but also I took two weeks off to travel abroad for DHs father's funeral and no one minded (nature of my work).
You seem to be having the worst of both worlds and your DH sounds a bit full of himself.
(Mind you, I am not saying a job that pays £50k is worth less than a job that pays £150k... but he's not working in the NHS or public sector... a well paid software engineer whose job requires such an outlandish commitment should be getting paid more than enough to not have funds be the tight at the end of the month. So either something is off about your finances or something is off about your DHs understanding of how mission critical his presence is).

OP your post really hits home to me. Almost identical situation here with DH always doing work in evenings weekends etc except my DH seems to work for the most anti family friendly flexible working company in the UK but even with that he has had to take time off or finish early etc to help out . His boss tells him blatantly his company " dont do flex working" which is a whole other thread!! For a normal office based job that 30 other people do so him being at home or changing hours would not impact at all.

I have 3 children , 1 with lots of medical appointments and diagnosis and another about to start the same plus a terrible 2! No family help so the things I have done to try and help are to use a nursery as its the only thing keeping me sane and helps to manage all the medical appointments. We can only afford this due to DH wage and he sees it as the only way he can help day to day so fully supports this. Also then the nursery staff can be used as babysitters for the once a year we manage out for dinner

Your husband sounds really unhelpful and like he doesnt care it would really hurt me and to be honest I couldnt put up with that at all. If he has that level of flexibility in his job but chooses never to use to help out like this that says it all.

He doesnt seem to appreciate you at all

He is being very unreasonable.

My husband is the only earner and isn't in a hugely senior role, general manager, and he would take time off in situations like this.

cdtaylor,

I am not suggesting that he doesn't go in at all - though of course he will HAVE to come home if OP is admitted to hospital, so he ought to be planning for that already - but that he should be negotiating EXACTLY when he is critical, and negotiating his cover - ie being completely honest and open with his employer and saying 'this situation is developing, just letting you know, I envisage the solution being x and y, everything is briefed and documented'

At the moment, he's saying 'I refuse to acknowledge that there might be an issue, work is more important, I don't care', and tbh that will implode if / when OP is admitted to hospital and the children are left home alone...

This is going to sound horrifically morbid, but bear with me....
When you have recovered, have you considered sitting down with your dh to look at life insurance? Because if you were to get hit by a bus, how exactly would he manage to look after your DCs, given that there isn't the money for childcare at the moment (even at times you really need it)?
You don't have to actually buy the insurance, but if he was to realise how much it would cost to pay for someone else to do what you do, maybe he would start to appreciate the role you fulfill more. It shouldn't make a difference, but if he is one of those people who thinks of the value of someone's contribution only in terms of monetary value, it might make him realise how much you are worth.

It sounds like you knew this would be the deal when you decided to have children with your husband so that you could have a nice house and be a stay at home mum. Nothing wrong with that but it does mean you become the main carer. It's not his employer's problem he has an ill wife and child at the same time so why should they pay him to miss work and it also sounds like he prefers to be there anyway rather than being at home looking after you as he could have taken holiday leave or lieu days for the longer hours he puts in.

So if he won't change because he loves his job and you are well off then, although it won't help in the present circumstances, you could look to employ a mother's help. It's up to you and your husband to come to an arrangement that suits you both. It's not the job that's to blame, it's your husband who doesn't really want the time off.

If it would have been at all possible, did he even look into moving anything around so that he could help out at all?

I really feel for you OP, and as someone in a very similar relationship it can be a very lonely and stressful place to be. I've become very self sufficient and there's now a distance between me and H that I really don't like.

Draw on whatever support you can around you. Please don't be scared to ask your friends - I would totally step up in a situation like this, pregnant or not. I spent my son's early years being too scared to ask and barely coping, even though with hindsight there were loads of people I could have called on if I'd had the guts to. If friends are really not an option, buy some help in.

Take care and feel better soon

@Betaday did you miss the bit where I said I'd had pyelonephritis and knew it hurt like a bitch?!

OP is not objecting to being the main carer quizqueen. But even as the main carer she is entitled to urgent medical treatment - just as the OPs dh is. And is the main father for his child. And the main husband to his wife. Maybe he should have thought about that when he undertook those commitments.

a well paid software engineer whose job requires such an outlandish commitment should be getting paid more than enough to not have funds be the tight at the end of the month

yes I thought this too - assumed the OP's DH was in the £100k plus bracket to be honest.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.
I'm not at all surprised you feel this way. This does seem to be his main message to you.
I hope you are all feeling better soon & your H takes tomorrow off so you can properly rest.

@Kspikes to be fair I (and probably many others) have never even heard of dependency leave, hence why you were taken literally. If OPs aren't taken literally then there's not much point people reading them.

I think your financial situation does change my view slightly. I, like @MacarenaFerreiro and others, assumed that your husband was a 6 figure earner, in order to be so indispensable. If you are living paycheque to paycheque then that obviously isn't the case. I don't know how much an emergency nanny charges, but I feel like even we (minimum wage earner and disability benefits) could scrape enough together to hire one for a day if it was a desperate situation.

ETA, I've just looked it up and it looks to start from about £15 an hour. That doesn't seem as prohibitively expensive as I expected.

Spikes - you have my sympathy. I'm married to one the same.

Our middle kid is chronically and seriously unwell. He never visited him on the ward until the child was 8 and asked "why do the other daddies come to hospital, but, not you?". He has never come to a parents night at school. Every evening, weekend and holiday is hijacked by work. I was once ill in hospital and could have come home but he was working late in the office and persuaded me to lie to the staff so I could stay on until he could come for me - at 10pm, it was my birthday to boot.

I have made my peace with it - and sorted out my own emergency cover. But, I no longer pretend that he is helpful or make excuses for him to anyone. Including to his mother and our GP.

The thing that I get angry about, proper angry, is that we are, after all, married. He promised "in sickness and in health", he is not keeping that vow - and, he never will. I may, sometimes, loudly point out that the marriage vows are not weighted, that just because he's not shagging around he's still damaging his marriage by neglecting us when we need him. His answer "there are people at work who depend on me too"...

I've suggested him leaving his job, we can sell up and live mortgage free in a smaller house, somewhere closer to our families. Nope. I've suggested reducing his work hours so he can do some school runs and I'll work part time. Nope. He wants me to work, do everything at home, cover all the holidays, hospital appointments and school appointments whilst he brings in the cash. It's almost as if I am a member of staff he's outsourced the jobs he doesn't want to do. His entire identity is wrapped up with his job.

I love him, but, my resentment is slowly growing. We've been to marriage counselling, which helped, but, in reality, there is no actual change. This is why couples divorce in thier 60s or 70s. If that turns out to be us he'll be surprised and think it's unjust, "I worked so hard for you all". He can't see that all we want is HIM!

He's not a bad man. He's just unable to see my point of view, I expect because our marriage is modelling his parent's marriage - he hardly saw his dad, but, he had a responsible, high profile role.

I feel for you. But, it's not going to change and it is wise to work out a series of Plan B's. Have a pot of money to cover emergency care/taxis/short term cleaner. Have non-negotiable nights out/weekend with friends. Have a hobby/exercise that you do regularly, just for you. When you're running low on oomph then lower standards are acceptable - my kids have had days on end of screen babysitters, breaded chicken product, free access to the treat cupboard and pj days/weeks. Does them no harm, cut me some slack.

The good things? My husband is a great role model for work ethic - and I am a great role model for nurturing, so the kids get a good balance. They'll never know what it is to be hungry or in uncertain accommodation, and that is not something I take for granted. He loves us, this is his demonstration of love - it's not what we WANT him to do, but, that shouldn't negate that it is done as a gift for us. And, he's actually happy, he's thriving on the stress and drama and being in a responsible role.

Look after yourself. Work out your boundaries. Stick to them. It's possible to make it work, but, it's a huge and exhausting effort.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you. It's interesting to hear.
I know he feels he is heavily needed/ important and the one of the most senior of all the project managers. I have alternate childcare tomorrow. No flights with this F.A.T testing though. Everyone is local within an hours drive. I'd be more understanding as to his position if that was so as we bpth travelled to China every 3 weeks previously with his job. I'd often take flights alone with my 1st Dd and then when pregnant and with DD1 but todsy isn't like that.X

What I'm absolutely loving about this thread is the way some posters have said 'Sick days are for him to take when he's sick.' So when does the OP get a sick day? Never? And then other posters are saying she should be fine with this because she can be a SAHM. How nice for her - no job, no personal money, no pension, no sick days, looking after a very ill child and another child while very ill herself. Life of fucking riley.

I find it amazing how so many people are willing to sacrifice so much for money. If the OP's DH couldn't ever look after the children because he had a very time consuming hobby he'd have been strung up by now. But because he's opting out of a being a partner and a father for a job, that's fine, because he gets money for it. Everything can be sold for money, even the love and health of your family.

Jesus.

I think the problem is that this activity and approach is the norm by the OPs DH and that is unreasonable. Work life should never always come before home life. Therefore this situation just adds to the overall issue.

However, and as usual it seems from reading MN, the one time that OPs DH really needs to spend time away from work is really really bad timing. If he is delivering projects, FAT time is critical time and cant not be there. Especially if he has no capable deputy.

He needs to work on re-balancing his work/life perspective though and look at how his employer can mitigate problems during mission critical stages of project delivery.

Yeah, it sucks. I get it.

It's a curious thing, very hard to verbalise without sounding like a spoiled brat - imagine a group of women letting off steam about their partners who are feckless/unfaithful/aggressive/unreliable "yeah, sheesh, mine's as bad - he's well meaning, loyal, motivated, works hard, is a great provider and respected at his work, can you believe that I put up with that nonsense?"

But, I totally get it.

"High-flyers" need to remember that absolutely no-one is indispensible. No-one.

"As for his work, there will never be a time he is not "too busy". He won't loose his company any business but maybe his staff may not keep the project as on track/time. "

Imagine being managed by someone like this! Sounds claustrophobic!

There are always going to be critical times when someones absence causes a disaster but they should be exceptional and rare. If the whole thing falls apart if he looks away for a second then thats a single point of failure and is a huge business risk - there needs to be a way of coping if he suddenly gets hit by a bus or struck down with something nasty.