To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

YANBU. What do parents do when both work, or single parents when a child is sick/off nursery? They take an emergency day off.

On that note, you're not enjoying a "lavish lifestyle paid for by your dh".
Because if you worked too, and one of the kids was sick (which happens a lot with little ones!), would he take time off? Or would it all be down to you? So really, his workaholism makes it very difficult to go back to work even if you wanted to. And being a SAHM to two very small children IS work! (It certainly feels like hard work.)

Does he fully appreciate what you do normally? Because to act like this when you are sick, in pain and struggling suggests that he might not but I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions.

OP - we are married to the same breed.

Every time I'm in a fix (rare but horrendous migraines and no close family) he's the same;

'But I have to be in this meeting or X council / charity / orphanage will fall in to the sea / go bust / get attacked by dementors' etc etc. I'm being facetious but it's tiring isn't it?

We have a deal. If he can't help, he pays someone to do his share, so in our case Sitters.co.uk or similar.

Obviously I'd rather he helped but if him being at home means losing business (and an income for many many people) I need to be realistic.

And if he says he can't afford to pay for someone to help, maybe his job isn't that crash hot and he should get his arse back home once in a while!

Hope your day goes okay.

I'm not sure a water infection counts as an emergency.

You say he's been like this for years, why have two kids with him then? Did you discuss his work schedule changing before the kids?

And yet women with equally high paying jobs would just be expected to suck it up and stay at home.

YANBU OP - either he is part of the family or he isn't. The job does not come first.

crimbs the issue is that, actually, the OP would prefer a lifestyle taht isn't as lavish but being able to see her DH more.

It's HIM who is choosing to do thathat way and at that level. And it's also him that is imposing that on his family with all its consequences. Who has said that it's OK for him to call,the shots and decide?
Has his dw not allowed to have a say into it too? Is their lifestyle not a decision that shouod be taken TOGETHER? Rather than a fait accompli 'oh look I have a high power job because I really enjoyed it and that's what I wanted so now you have to suck it up because I am paying'

Do you have full access to money ?
If so, buy in any help you need: emergency nanny, cleaner, sitters etc

If his job is genuinely high-powered, there should be plenty of money for that.
If not, he has delusions of grandeur.

You may be a little unreasonable - you can't have it both ways. His high powered job funds your lifestyle, buying you a nice house and allowing you to stay at home. The sacrifice that comes with that is a lot of hard work and commitment to his job on his part

This. All that money he earns to fund your nice lifestyle comes at a cost, as the OP is finding out. It is very unreasonable to ask him to take sick leave when he isn't sick (in some companies, this could get him in a lot of trouble). And as for emergency leave, it isn't an emergency! Yes, the OP isn't well and today will be tough but better to say emergency leave for when there's a genuine emergency. I know this sounds tough but I think the OP (and some other posters) don't understand the pressures that come with a senior, demanding role. There is always something critical going on, and if things go pear-shaped, it can result in jobs being cut or serious financial consequences. That's why people get paid big bucks because it comes with a lot of personal sacrifice and a lot of responsibility. The OP can't have it both ways.

Btw the OP and her dd don't have a water infection, they have a KIDNEY infection which is much more painful and much more dangerous.
It's not about having to go to the loo every 5 mins.

-He could take the day off.
-He could organise an emergency nanny for you so that you can rest. Does his company not have a scheme like that?
-He could run around making sure you have everything you need and then only work a short day
-He could realise that when if you get divorced --if- when you finally reach the end of your tether then he would have to look after his DC more than he does at the moment.

I can't believe he's left you waiting in hospital looking after two DC when you are ill - have you asked him what his precious work would think about him if he told them "oh yes, KSpikes is waiting to be seen in A&E and she's all by herself with the kids but I'll go and see them at the end of my day, even if she gets admitted I'm not going anywhere" They'd call him a nob and send him home.

Sorry for not replying individually. There have been some really helpful comments and constructive criticism too - so thank you.

Just a few things I didn't actually mean an official sick day - I meant dependency leave and thought people would just get what I meant but I see people take things very litterally. I do mean take Dependency leave for both my daughter and I.

We are comfortable but not rich. Hense why I am training to be a childminder from September. We can't afford 2 x Childcare for a 20 week old and 2 year old.

I have friends and mummies groups but all are pregnant or at work etc. I will look up emergency nannies. Thank you all for suggestions.

As for expecting my husband to come running home. This is a rare ask! I have asked once a year maybe? Maybe a couple of times more when pregnant (having a miscarriage), in hospital etc over the last 5 years. I don't call him for cold, minor injuries and certainly don't have hangovers.

As for his work, there will never be a time he is not "too busy". He won't loose his company any business but maybe his staff may not keep the project as on track/time.
He may miss customer meetings which I understand is not good (I used to have a great career too and an not some stay at hpme mum who has never worked in a professional job). He is a Project Manager for a software/ I.T company that delivers systems for automation.

I appreciate all he does for us. I am becoming a childminder so I can earn and take care of our children. Childcare would be £1600 at present for both children.

I will try to manage today. I will look into emergency nannies for today and incase of any other emergency but I doubt they will take me to the hospital (drive) for bloods, the pharmacy and take my daughter to the doctors. I do like the positive ideas though. I had never thought of an emergency nanny. We probably can't afford one today (tomorrow is pay day).

I will try to be more understanding with him todat too. Though I bet nothing ever changes as he is a work addict! Xxx

All this about OP enjoying the benefits and her husband working his nuts off - the OP is contributing equally. Her DH has had the opportunity of being a parent. Should she not allow him to have the benefit of that? Should he not 'suck up the tough times'?

' Whereas for me, as I work on reception in a small office, taking time off (obvs can't work from home) genuinely does cause great disruption to the business and pisses off my boss. But because DH has the 'more important job' it always falls to me'
Totally different, if the op worked I could see her point. If you're a sahp even if ill, as long as not seriously ill, then you really cant expect the other parent to take a day off.
You need to have a back up plan, friends, family or paid help.

Yanbu, but he is unlikely to change. Take it easy, try to shelf as many jobs as possible, get some snacks and put the TV on for the day. Concentrate on getting well and done let resentment for your DH hinder your healing. As your kids gets older things get easier.
My DH is very similar but he provides really well so I suck up his workaholism. Does your DH go to work if he is ill? Or does he manage to take time off for that? I would speak to him about your feelings once you are better and at a good calm time for both of you but don't expect him to change. It's really tough, I know, but try and things if the benefits, ie you are financially secure, have a lovely home, and the kids will grow up and things will get easier.

@womblingthree did you miss the part where op said she was poorly. If you can't get any compassion and help from your dh... the mind boggles

That's why people get paid big bucks because it comes with a lot of personal sacrifice and a lot of responsibility. The OP can't have it both ways.

I totally agree with this. Part of taking that sort of job means that you accept it's not always 9-5, Monday to Friday. In some safety-critical roles there are rules about having a certain number of people in the office at any one time. You can't just leave if your partner is struggling at home. However when DH took on that sort of role we discussed it as a couple and decided whether we were prepared to make the sacrifices and accept that lifestyle. It means that everything about the children and house falls to me. If the kids are sick, I deal with it. If I'm sick, I get on with it or call in emergency help. We don't have family close by so I have built my own support network for those situations when I have to be at DS1's school for a presentation at the same time as the other DC need picked up from a different school. However having the big salary does give options - such as the really good suggestions about emergency nannies and childmnders which have been posted.

I do agree that unless you're in that sort of job yourself, or married to someone who is, you don't really "get it".

Sounds like a tough day for you! My sympathies.
But to be honest your husband has worked under this pressure for a long time, and yes he should be more flexible. But there will be lots of times he can't take time off. You are the Sahp, and I think it's your responsibility to think about how to cope in an emergency. So plan where to go for emergency paid for childcare, build up a network of friends who help each other out.
I know you are both parents but I think in your circumstances you've opted to have responsibility for home/children and your dh for his work. So it's primarily your responsibility to have plans in place. Maybe dh could make the phone calls to emergency nanny if you are not up to it.
Get well soon!

Mmmmnnn it's hard when you're unwell but he can't just take time off when he's not ill.

Most large companies have 'time off for dependants'. He could request annual leave. He could work from home. He could speak to his boss/his HR department, explain the situation and ask for flexibility (work evenings?) while is DW and DC are ill. The OP says he's very senior so they are not going to say no! He just doesn't want to ask because for whatever weird reason, some men don't like to be seen as 'slacking' or 'having family responsibilities'.

Frequently, the only way I can get DH to agree to adjust his work (e.g. when I am in hospital and I need him to pick up the DC) is to threaten to call his boss and ask politely whether there is any chance that he could work from home on Thursday as his wife is in hospital and so can not pick up the children from school. When put like that, DH sees the absurdity of any claim that his boss would ever say no, so takes the time off (without needing to mention it to anyone, naturally, given his company is so flexible).

So OP, maybe you need to make a similar 'threat'.

Btw the OP and her dd don't have a water infection, they have a KIDNEY infection which is much more painful and much more dangerous.
It's not about having to go to the loo every 5 mins.

This.
What would he do if you were hospitalised with a kidney infection? (and it is more likely to get worse if you are unable to rest and stressed)

Also, to all those banging on about op's "lavish lifestyle", I really don't think the lifestyle she has described here is that lavish! Sounds like a hard, relentless grind tbh.

"As for expecting my husband to come running home. This is a rare ask! I have asked once a year maybe? Maybe a couple of times more when pregnant (having a miscarriage), in hospital etc over the last 5 years. I don't call him for cold, minor injuries and certainly don't have hangovers."

...Please tell me that he took time off when you had a miscarriage.

I could have written OP's post when my DC were tiny - think having medical procedure at one end of me while reading to DD strapped in her pushchair put close to the other end of me, the hotfooting it, against all medical advice, in time to get DS from a couple of precious hours of preschool. Or DH leaving me delirious with 'flu in charge of an equally ill 6 month old and a hugely active toddler for a 12 hour working day.

The only thing that solved it for us was DH having a short period of unemployment while I was training for my current job. By essentially 'living my life', even though it was only for a few weeks, he did really come to see what the role of SAHP entailed, and eveer since has been hugely more flexible in terms of coming home early, managing illness etc.

There has been no discernable difference in his standing or value at work. IME the 'fear' of 'what people will think' and how people actually react are entirely separate things.

And there is a HUGE difference between 'not a 9-5 job' and 'can absolutely never take a minute off to care for a sick family' - as many high-powered working women know.

DH has never worked 9-5. 8 - 7 is normal, then working at home and at the weekends. However, because he is known to be reliable, hard-working, conscientious and willing to do what it takes to get the job done, his employers are entirely comfortable with him leaving early once a fortnight or taking a day of annual leave to care for sick me / DC (because they know he will then do the work at home / at the weekend / the next day).

That's why people get paid big bucks because it comes with a lot of personal sacrifice and a lot of responsibility. The OP can't have it both ways.

Yes - but the OP is saying that they can't afford an emergency nanny so close to payday, "We are comfortable but not rich" - so he's not earning the big bucks, is he?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Kidney-infection/Pages/Introduction.aspx

For those saying "its just a water infection". Please read the above.

My husband and I both work (me part time) so we take more of a shared approach to this sort of thing. But I do remember when I was on Mat leave everything was down to me, even if I was ill! I was v jealous of my friend who's husband used to drop everything at work if she had something to do where she didn't want to take the kids (shopping, hairdressers etc). He did run his own business. The flip side was that he was very stressed and grumpy because he was always worried about how he was going to get his work done!
There are no easy answers except for maybe having loads of family help nearby!

I do understand those pressures as I previously had a more senior role than my husband. I am asking for dependancy leave. That is legal. I said sick leave not realising that people would take it so litterally and assuming people would know I meamt dependency leave. I may get kept in later today. I forgot to mention as well as bloods I need to have a scan. Our local hospital is currently in crisis with 6 ambulances queued last night and actually said "there's no way we would be sending you home if we weren't in crisis here" " Come straight back if you feel worse and if you don't feel well enough to spend the night at home we will keep you in overnight". I told them "I will sleep better at home".

I appreciate different views and opinions though and thank you for making me look at it in another light. I did look at it from his point of view but maybe have lost sense of the feeling of being under pressure at work or maybe it's because I habe different values to him. Thank you for your comments xxx

I do understand those pressures as I previously had a more senior role than my husband. I am asking for dependancy leave. That is legal. I said sick leave not realising that people would take it so litterally and assuming people would know I meamt dependency leave. I may get kept in later today. I forgot to mention as well as bloods I need to have a scan. Our local hospital is currently in crisis with 6 ambulances queued last night and actually said "there's no way we would be sending you home if we weren't in crisis here" " Come straight back if you feel worse and if you don't feel well enough to spend the night at home we will keep you in overnight". I told them "I will sleep better at home".

I appreciate different views and opinions though and thank you for making me look at it in another light. I did look at it from his point of view but maybe have lost sense of the feeling of being under pressure at work or maybe it's because I habe different values to him. Thank you for your comments xxx