To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

'If the OP's DH couldn't ever look after the children because he had a very time consuming hobby he'd have been strung up by now'

Well yes because that is optional and work isn't

'There are always going to be critical times when someones absence causes a disaster but they should be exceptional and rare. If the whole thing falls apart if he looks away for a second then thats a single point of failure and is a huge business risk - there needs to be a way of coping if he suddenly gets hit by a bus or struck down with something nasty.'

I totally agree. I own a tiny company and during a major project a key person had to undergo emergency surgery that put him out of action for weeks. Even we had back up - no way would I put a project in such jeopardy by balancing it precariously on one person. I told the guy to take his time getting better, we'd be fine. And we were.

Workaholics are as bad as alcoholics. They are addicted to work and they allow it to dominate their lives and destroy their relationships. But because it brings in money people seem to think it's ok. It's not.

'Well yes because that is optional and work isn't'

I am an employer. If I knew one of my employees was leaving a very sick wife and child to fend for themselves I'd be disgusted with him. Absolutely disgusted.

If a job means that your family has to suffer, it is just not worth it.

I totally agree with TheSparrowhawk.

My dh is not working atm (not by choice) but I don't feel that supporting my family financially absolves me from all other family responsibilities.

As I said upthread, there are options for back up care if your job is that critical, but the high flier never takes responsibility for putting them in place.
TBH, if he's not earning a huge salary and has to put in all those hours then the job is not really working for you as a family and he needs to look at other options.

If I were you I would seriously consider the impact that this lifestyle is having on your family.

My father was the same way - we children hardly saw him at all during the week and sometimes not on the weekends either because work always came first. He was not really a parent at all to us because our mother did ALL the parenting. He just paid for us, which I don't think is really parenting at all. Obviously it's important that parents financially provide for their children, but there has to be a balance! They must also nurture their children.

My dad has had a very high-flying, high-pressure career so we had a very comfortable life, nice holidays etc but actually in my opinion children would rather have a parent who takes the time to parent them. I love my father but I still feel sad that we were never a priority in his life. I mean of course we were a priority in that I suppose he probably wanted to make a lot of money specifically in order to give us a nice life, but he basically missed our childhoods and there's no way to undo that. Does your husband do any parenting beyond a bit of playing on the weekend or is it ALL you?

For me this would be about more than just this issue with illness. I am not sure what you can do about this situation now that you are in it, as due to my experiences there is no way I'd have had children with someone who didn't have a decent work-life balance, but I would consider talking to him about his obligations as a father and try to get your family into a position where both parenting and earning is a bit more equal.

And I would absolutely expect my partner to step up to the plate if I was ill, especially ill enough for a hospital visit!

I too wouldn't be impressed if a staff member was leaving sick rels at home however it isn't about me, it's about the ops situation. She seems to know she can't rely on her dp for back up child care in the event of non urgent sickness.
Therefore, as has been said, a contingency plan involving a social, family or paid network needs to be in place rather than everyone pointing out her dp is selfish twat.

It's a tough issue. I'm also married to someone very committed to his work. He also earns more in a month than I do in a year, so even though I'm a lawyer (part time) my job is seen as the 'lesser' of the two careers and I'm expected to carry the burden at home, both on the days I'm in the office and the days I'm not. It grinds you down.

I agree that back-up childcare, if possible, is a good solution in your scenario but I do get irritated when my DH talks about nannies etc. He is desperate to outsource his domestic responsibilities:

'it would be good if you could help me with X, y or z around the house'
'lets get the cleaner to come more often instead'

'i'm struggling to cope with DS by myself because of X'
'lets pay for another day of childcare'

'i need to do X, can you make something for tea?'
'lets get a takeaway'

'we need to pay X, order y, book z, and cancel A, can we get that done this weekend?'
'can't we just employ a PA to do this stuff'

He doesn't want to have much to do with domestic life, but gives his all to his work. He comes up with his version of solutions to my gripes but as a PP said I want HIM. I want him to be there, grafting at home getting exactly the same rewards I do. I guess that says more about what I feel I'm worth to him.

Sorry OP, using your post to vent a bit. I hope you and your LO are feeling much better soon, what a horrible situation.

I am an employer. If I knew one of my employees was leaving a very sick wife and child to fend for themselves I'd be disgusted with him. Absolutely disgusted.

Yes,. but some employers would be proud, and boast about it 'Our employees are so committed'. It depends critically on the culture of the employer.

Yes, this. And I think all this "working hard to provide the best for their family" thing is bollocks, honestly. The workaholics I have known would work just as hard if there was no family. The workaholism is all about meeting their needs (and sometimes avoiding their responsibilities as a husband and father).

'He doesn't want to have much to do with domestic life, but gives his all to his work. He comes up with his version of solutions to my gripes but as a PP said I want HIM. I want him to be there, grafting at home getting exactly the same rewards I do. I guess that says more about what I feel I'm worth to him.'

This is the key thing. Yes, you can buy in help, but in that case, what's the point in even having a partner? Essentially the partner is just providing money and is otherwise absent - is that a relationship? It's more like a business arrangement.

'Yes,. but some employers would be proud, and boast about it 'Our employees are so committed'. It depends critically on the culture of the employer.'

I don't know how anyone could be proud of preventing a person from caring for his loved ones. And I don't know how people put up with such a horrendous attitude. To me, an employer who demands total commitment is a massive baby who can't stand the idea that their employees have actual lives. They want total commitment because they themselves have been 'totally committed' and therefore have nothing else in their own lives IME - they suffer, so everyone else has to suffer. It's bloody ridiculous.

I wonder sometimes how workaholics would react to their partners sitting them down for a formal "6 month review" meeting of their home performance. Do you think if they were told in a format they really understand about all the areas of their homelife that were "not meeting expectations", they might have a moment of self-awareness?

'He comes up with his version of solutions to my gripes but as a PP said I want HIM.'
It's just the compromise of a relationship. We all choose the Dps we are with. I'm not married to a work obsessed person I was with 20yrs ago, I'm married to the person who has the same priorities as me.

Obviously we don't all know what we will get in the long term, but if you do end up with someone who won't take time off to cover non urgent sickness then you have to either reassess your relationship or manage it with other options.

It genuinely gobsmacks me that people seem to accept this as normal - that a person can be in a position where they are unable to care for their family because everything will fall apart at work if they're not there for one day. It's such a subservient attitude - as though your own needs are irrelevant in the face of the superior needs of your employer.

An employer doesn't own you. They are benefiting from your work - raking in money on the back of your effort. If you need time off, you take it, because you are an actual human being and not a piece of machinery that has to work day in and day out no matter what.

UPDATE: I have sepsis as well as a kidney infection and will be staying in.

To those making up their own version of events and my life:-
Please re-read. Clearly you have several points wrong there. Perhaps if you re read plus the additional comments, you will understand. I regretted calling him a waste of space. I called him one because he was leaving his wife who is going back to hospital today with a kidney infection to look after a new baby and a 2 year old who is also ironically ill with a kidney infection.
There are no other child care options and no nanny service would take me to hospital, daughter back to doctors today and to the pharmacy for her medication they didn't supply last night.

I was angry he was not taking dependency leave to look after his children when there is a good chance I will be kept in hospital. (Am now being kept in ).

Perhaps I should ask if the hospital can provide a moses basket for my 20 week old and the 2 year old can sleep with me?
Because clearly in your opinion I should suck it up and when there are no other suitable childcare options still not as my husband to step up???
Sorry for the sarcasm but I'm a little shocked I should not as the father to be a father in what is now an emergency.

Oh and I WILL REPEAT THIS AGAIN...
WE ARE NOT RICH, WE DO NOT HAVE A LAVISH LIFESTYLE.

WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE ONE SENTANCE AND MAKE UP RUBBISH LIKE "LAVISH LIFESTYLE" .

No family to help, friends at work etc plus I firmly believe that before asking a second cousin from outer mongolia that hasn't ever met my kids that maybe their father should just come home!

UPDATE: I have sepsis as well as a kidney infection and will be staying in.

To those making up their own version of events and my life:-
Please re-read. Clearly you have several points wrong there. Perhaps if you re read plus the additional comments, you will understand. I regretted calling him a waste of space. I called him one because he was leaving his wife who is going back to hospital today with a kidney infection to look after a new baby and a 2 year old who is also ironically ill with a kidney infection.
There are no other child care options and no nanny service would take me to hospital, daughter back to doctors today and to the pharmacy for her medication they didn't supply last night.

I was angry he was not taking dependency leave to look after his children when there is a good chance I will be kept in hospital. (Am now being kept in ).

Perhaps I should ask if the hospital can provide a moses basket for my 20 week old and the 2 year old can sleep with me?
Because clearly in your opinion I should suck it up and when there are no other suitable childcare options still not as my husband to step up???
Sorry for the sarcasm but I'm a little shocked I should not as the father to be a father in what is now an emergency.

Oh and I WILL REPEAT THIS AGAIN...
WE ARE NOT RICH, WE DO NOT HAVE A LAVISH LIFESTYLE.

WHY DO PEOPLE TAKE ONE SENTANCE AND MAKE UP RUBBISH LIKE "LAVISH LIFESTYLE" .

No family to help, friends at work etc plus I firmly believe that before asking a second cousin from outer mongolia that hasn't ever met my kids that maybe their father should just come home!

I am an employer. If I knew one of my employees was leaving a very sick wife and child to fend for themselves I'd be disgusted with him. Absolutely disgusted.

This is exactly why, when I am put in this or similar situations with my DH, I tell him not to worry, I will call his boss to ask if it is possible for him to work from home that day/leave early that day. My DH knows that his boss would be disgusted with him!

Oh OP that's really scary, I hope you feel better soon.

Where is your DH now?

People make up 'lavish lifestyle' because of the idea that if enough money is involved, anything is ok.

'This is exactly why, when I am put in this or similar situations with my DH, I tell him not to worry, I will call his boss to ask if it is possible for him to work from home that day/leave early that day. My DH knows that his boss would be disgusted with him!'

TBH I think a lot of men hide behind their employers. Most decent employers know that it makes total sense to give your good employees a reasonable amount of flexibility because that goodwill will be repaid ten fold. If an employee of mine called and said his wife and child were ill I'd have him well warned not to come back until they were back on their feet. But then I only employ people who are reliable enough to have their work sufficiently under control that losing a day really won't make any difference. Very few jobs are life and death and even in cases of life and death (eg a doctor) people still have to be able to take days off.

Well maybe he can drag his sorry arse out of the office now then.

Look after yourself OP. Don't let the handmaidens on this thread wind you up for demanding some consideration and support from the man who promised to love and cherish you.

Well obviously as you are in hospital he will have to be at home to look after dc. Hope you feel better soon. I was hospital for 7 days in nov with sepsis, on Iv antibiotics I remember feeling very ill and couldn't lift my head off the pillow.
If as in your op you were ill at home with an infection that is different.

Oh Kspikes I hope you feel better very soon. You poor thing.

Thank you for your understanding.
I will get round to responding to everyone properly. Just typing while groggy, kids asleep in double pram, doctors in and out. I think hubby is in a meeting. I'll probably manage kids here till husbands home time. Asked him to come via hospital to get our girls. Xxx

YANBU - on a single one off, when work is busy/ it's critical then I can understand not being able to take any time off. However what you are describing appears to be a constant prioritisation of work overy everything else, regardless of what's going.

In this situation, I'd be tempted to ask you how happy you are and what kind of love and affection you are getting out of this relationship. It sounds so uncaring and unfeeling.

I hope you feel better soon

Oh and just an aside - I'm Reaaaallllllyyyy enjoying the suggestion on the first page from Crunchymum that it's only private sector jobs that have critically important times! What a crock of S**t!

You should not have to manage them there until home time that is not fair on anyone at the hospital (including you). This is not a minor cold its a serious illness and he needs to step up. He is going to have to for the time you are in hospital (which could be up to a week) so it needs to start today.

He is their father and in this instance needs to step up.

And dont ask him, tell him that is what he needs to do.