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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

314 replies

Kspikes · 29/06/2017 07:59

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

OP posts:
boo2410 · 05/07/2017 07:44

So glad you're on the mend Kspikes, please take it really easy as it will take time to fully recover. I had sepsis last year and it really does take it out of you. Wishing you all the very best, and the littlies too. FlowersFlowers

Loopyloppy · 05/07/2017 10:51

Of course he should.

I sympathise. Last year I had a burst ovarian cyst and lay on the floor with ds (who was 2.5) running around the house for four hours before I could get myself to hospital for a vaginal ultrasound (with ds in tow Angry.) Dh and his family were all "too busy at work."

No fucker helped me at all. I won't forget it, ever.

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 05/07/2017 10:56

Glad you're on the mend Kspikes, hope your DH steps up now.

Loopy that's shocking, having had a ruptured ovarian cyst last month I am livid on your behalf. Hope you're ok.

Loopyloppy · 05/07/2017 10:56

Sorry just saw your update, glad you're feeling better.

squishysquirmy · 05/07/2017 10:57

So, so glad you're feeling better Kspikes.
I really hope that you are given the chance to recuperate, and that you are able to look after yourself properly.
When you do feel well enough to face it, you probably need to have a serious conversation with dh about how he views you and the work you do. You make an important contribution to his quality of life too, and the children are the responsibility of you both. You are not a machine (and even machines break down and need maintenance sometimes), you are a human being who does not deserve to suffer in order to flatter someone else's delusions of irreplaceability.

Flowers
Loopyloppy · 05/07/2017 10:57

Secret thank you. My mil is the one I was most upset with, she wasn't actually even working that day, just had shopping she couldn't put off. Angry I actually did a thread on here at the time. She'd better have good care in place when she's older is all I can say.

BarbarianMum · 05/07/2017 10:59

Your own dh wouldn't help you loopy but you are angry with your MiL??

squishysquirmy · 05/07/2017 11:00

I think I remember your thread loopy - do you live on an island? It was really shocking. I hope it was your thread actually, as otherwise it means there were two women left to struggle with an ovarian cyst and a toddler.

hungrywalrus · 05/07/2017 11:00

Glad you are doing OK. I know this is an anonymous forum but I was worried. I hope this triggers some permanent changes for the better.

Loopyloppy · 05/07/2017 11:04

That was me squishy.

Oh I was angry with dh don't worry but he actually most probably would have lost his job if he'd taken those particular two days off as it right at the most critical time of the year. He was making what he thought was the right decision for us (the wrong fucking one in my view.) It was a seasonal job and where he earns most of his money. Mil just wouldn't put off her bloody food shopping for a morning.

ljny · 07/07/2017 21:38

Been thinking about this thread, Kspikes. Relieved you're on the mend, thank you so much for updating.

Original poster
Kspikes · 16/11/2021 00:30

So here's some irony for you! To all those who thought I didn't "get it", in reference to his work demands...

I now work at the same company my husband does! I do the role he did!

Gues who looks after the children when sick. Guess who takes dependency leave?
Yes- it's me!
He could have taken time off. There's always a project at a critical phase!

He's a little better regarding being around when we need him but not much. I am unhappy though.
I haven't had much off him emotionally or physically in years. My relationship is controlling and it took me years to see it.
I am revisiting this post to remind myself of the years of "Red flags", in hope one day I will leave for good.

We deserve to be treated as if we matter! Xxx

OP posts:
2ndtimemum2 · 16/11/2021 00:56

Awww op I'm sorry that your in this situation I hope you one day get what you deserve Flowers

Snoozer11 · 16/11/2021 02:08

@Loopyloppy

Of course he should.

I sympathise. Last year I had a burst ovarian cyst and lay on the floor with ds (who was 2.5) running around the house for four hours before I could get myself to hospital for a vaginal ultrasound (with ds in tow Angry.) Dh and his family were all "too busy at work."

No fucker helped me at all. I won't forget it, ever.

Where were your family?
Staryflight445 · 16/11/2021 04:31

Gosh op that’s awful.
I dread to think what other stuff has brought you back here to this thread, hope you’re ok.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/11/2021 05:27

It sounds as if there is a lot to unpack here in your relationship. He really doesn’t sound like a nice guy. My dh had to go to work just after I’d had major surgery as it was a new job. We knew it was hard as it wasn’t my first. But this was less invasive. He stayed for the first 24 hours and that was it. It was brutal brutal. But we agreed together that I’d have to cope as we didn’t want to jeopardise his new position. The next major surgery he was home and took a week off. Because that’s what couples do. Communicate.

Porcupineintherough · 16/11/2021 05:36

Good update OP

Id forgotten this thread. Came on to tell you your "d" h sounds like a shit, and guess what, he is a shit! I hope you make it out one day too.

Theluggagerules · 16/11/2021 06:27

I hope you manage to work it so you can leave him and be happier

DeepaBeesKit · 16/11/2021 06:36

Honestly op, guys like this never change.

Walk away. You will find, sadly, that he does not fight for time with his children, this type of man would rather simply pay you a high amount of CM rather than be inconvenienced by having to parent regularly.

Warblerinwinter · 16/11/2021 06:58

[quote WomblingThree]@maddening why should he? The OP is in charge of childcare. She can organise an emergency nanny.[/quote]
She’s ill fgs

Tereseta · 16/11/2021 06:59

Glad you have realised he won't change so you can make changes to increase you and your girls happiness. How funny you are in his previous role!

Longdistance · 16/11/2021 07:08

Basically, he doesn’t give a shit about you. He’s the great Billy bollocks and can do as he pleases and only looks out for number 1. Yeah, I’d give him the boot.

Newmumatlast · 16/11/2021 07:59

@origamiwarrior

I see this a lot with many of my friends' DPs, including my own. There isn't actually anything stopping them asking to work from home or leave early - as the OP says, many of these DPs are very senior, so no one would 'question' their absence/their committment. But for whatever reason, they are unwilling to rock the boat and actually do this.

Both DH and I work. If our DC are ill, the struggle I have trying to get DH to work from home is unbelievable. Even though he has a job with total flexibility, works for a company which prides itself on its family-friendly culture, he is very senior, his boss is based in a different country and he can do his job in its entirety from home. Whereas for me, as I work on reception in a small office, taking time off (obvs can't work from home) genuinely does cause great disruption to the business and pisses off my boss. But because DH has the 'more important job' it always falls to me.

Fucks me off no end.

This makes me wonder if men in general are less likely to take time off for these sorts of unplanned reasons and how this then feeds into how women are perceived in the workplace if we do.
Newmumatlast · 16/11/2021 08:02

@Kspikes

So here's some irony for you! To all those who thought I didn't "get it", in reference to his work demands...

I now work at the same company my husband does! I do the role he did!

Gues who looks after the children when sick. Guess who takes dependency leave?
Yes- it's me!
He could have taken time off. There's always a project at a critical phase!

He's a little better regarding being around when we need him but not much. I am unhappy though.
I haven't had much off him emotionally or physically in years. My relationship is controlling and it took me years to see it.
I am revisiting this post to remind myself of the years of "Red flags", in hope one day I will leave for good.

We deserve to be treated as if we matter! Xxx

Just seen this and that its an old thread resurrected. Sorry to hear you are still having issues with DH. I don't know your credentials but you mentioned previously you've a background in law but your DH job didn't sound like it was in law - am I right then that, if you've been able to jump into the same job as him from a different industry, he wasn't top level senior after all and so no reason why he was as indispensable as he thought? It sounds like you're very unhappy and life is too short for all of that. I hope you find some support and a way out that works for, and is comfortable for, you and the kids. Now you're doing the same well paid role he was, hopefully it is easier. Wish you the absolute best.
MatildaIThink · 16/11/2021 08:14

It depends on the sector and project, I know for my husband that at some points, unless someone was actually dying or had died he would not be able to just take a day off, there are other points where he can though.

Your husband might also be feeling huge pressure to provide, he is the sole earner, he could well be fearful of not doing his best at work which he might fear would have financial implications.

There is a lot tied up in this, both your resentment and his fears, you both need to work through them and to to understand what is driving each other's emotions and find something that works.