To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

'your DH he is unlikely to change so the only option is paid help, can you get an au pair/mothers help/ type person who will relieve some of the burden on a daily basis...'

Yes, or start looking at a cm one afternoon a week then if you are off colour in the future you can arrange another day too. Wouldn't help this time as 2 yr old ill, but you need to start coming up with options rather than resenting your dh which while understandable won't help. I would go with pp suggestion of an au pair or nanny, sounds like money isn't a problem and if he wont help physically then let him pay for some.

I suppose it depends how much you benefit from his work. Are you happy to have all the good stuff that goes with it? Big new house, no doubt holidays, clothes, cars, a nice lifestyle. If you enjoy all that as a product of his workaholism, then yes you are being unreasonable for expecting him to take a sick day because you are ill. Sick days are for when he is ill. He could ask for a parental leave day (do they exist?) I guess.

Also, where does it end? Migraine? Cold? Hangover? Not that I'm equating pyelonephritis with these as I've had it and it was hell, but he has responsibilities to work. I imagine he feels like you do your job and he will do his.

I had a relative who demanded her husband come rushing home every time she was ill. He ended up getting fired.

One of the main problems with choosing to be a SAHM is the lack of sick days. If you work outside the home, at least they can still go to childcare if you are ill.

He can't take a "sick day" as he's not sick. YANBU to need extra help though - can you afford an emergency nanny?

Sorry ladies if I was unclear. I am asking him to take Dependency leave. I used to work in law and was under the understanding it is lawful to take Dependency or Emergency leave under these circumstances. X

'You may be a little unreasonable - you can't have it both ways. His high powered job funds your lifestyle, buying you a nice house and allowing you to stay at home. The sacrifice that comes with that is a lot of hard work and commitment to his job on his part'

Yes though it is an unpopular opinion on mn its true nevertheless. My dh couldn't take time off when I was actually critically ill in hosp, yes the first 3 days he could but for the rest of the 3 weeks dc got passed round from pillar to post with friends and relatives helping out.

I think this is a good option.

It is possible for them to change - mine did. And it turns out all the things that he thought/said were impossible with his high demand, high power job - booking annual leave, covering occcasional kids sick days, rushing home in an emergency - were possible, after all. And despite his worries, neither his boss or his clients or his colleagues think less of him for doing them. And his career had not been adversely affected.

I am sure this would be true of the OPs dh too.

Agree that it might be a legal right to take dependents leave or emergency parental leave in these situations - unpaid - but all working people have to weigh up exercising their legal rights against potential damage to their careers going forward. Leaving a team in the lurch on a critical day isn't going to be forgotten. I'm not saying it's right, but that's the reality.

OP you really need to work on bulding a larger support network, or exploring other options for emergency childcare.

Oh woops, thought I was quoting.

I'd look for a nanny/au pair/someone you can hire in cases like this too.

It's obvious your husband won't choose his family over his job so that leaves you with a few choices. Either you stay mad at him while still doing everything yourself, you accept it and still do everything yourself, you find help or you leave him.

I was reading this thinking "what a prick", but then I got to the bit about FAT testing, and am suddenly a tiny bit more on the fence.

A typical FAT testing phase for me involves 8 people flying from the other end of the country and staying in hotels. No one else would be prepared for it, and the schedule would be too tight to make up a day. So if it got cancelled, there would be thousands wasted in flights, etc, and very unhappy clients. And there would generally be additional penalties built into the contract.

So personally, taking time off would be a last resort. But obviously, HE should be trying to sort something instead - in similar circumstances, I've asked friends for favours, or asked in laws to travel quite a distance and stay for a few days.

However, one time I didn't think I'd be able to get cover for an important work week, and my boss said, "well, never mind. If you were ill yourself we would need to deal with it, so if you can't come in then nothing to be done". So I would feel like I was letting everyone down, but I suspect I am not quite as irreplaceable as I like to think.

'rushing home in an emergency - were possible'

Yes all employers would allow this, however while pyelonephritis is unpleasant it isn't an emergency.

If he refuses to take time off he should organise an emergency nanny to come and help you x

'If he refuses to take time off he should organise an emergency nanny to come and help you '
yes or in the absence of any friends or rels to help just ring one yourself?

YANBU
Being in a high power job does NOT require you to leave your dw and children struggling like this.
It doesn't requires to be careless about their health and well being.

If you were ill once every two months and he had to take time off on a regular basis, that would be understandable.
But for once in a yearbtyoe of issue where your dw and child ends up in A&E no.
I also suspect he has never been ill so actually hasn't a clue what it actually means (as well as no empathy at all).

The way I would put it to him is that, even during a critical time, if he has to go adm see a customer for something extra importhat, he would find the qu to get organisé to go and see that customer.
So the question is: is your dw being in A&E, your toddler being ill not important enough? Are they less important than a meeting with a customer that he can get organised for them but not for you?
In the ranking of how important people are, where does he draw the line?
Serioulsy ask him to actually say loud and clear where he puts you and your dcs in the peaking order. Make him take responsibility for it.

Then decide. Are you happy to live with someone who thinks you are less important than xxx?

Fwiw my dad was a workaholic too. He had his own business (so none would have been able to take th slack when he wasn't there).
He still took time off when it was needed (so in cases such as the one you!describe). No way he would have left my mum on her own if she had asked for help.

@maddening why should he? The OP is in charge of childcare. She can organise an emergency nanny.

I see this a lot with many of my friends' DPs, including my own. There isn't actually anything stopping them asking to work from home or leave early - as the OP says, many of these DPs are very senior, so no one would 'question' their absence/their committment. But for whatever reason, they are unwilling to rock the boat and actually do this.

Both DH and I work. If our DC are ill, the struggle I have trying to get DH to work from home is unbelievable. Even though he has a job with total flexibility, works for a company which prides itself on its family-friendly culture, he is very senior, his boss is based in a different country and he can do his job in its entirety from home. Whereas for me, as I work on reception in a small office, taking time off (obvs can't work from home) genuinely does cause great disruption to the business and pisses off my boss. But because DH has the 'more important job' it always falls to me.

Fucks me off no end.

french I getvthat in that particular case, maybe, her DH has a point and very little room for change.
However, this is a common occurence where work ALWAYS takes precedence over family.

And that is not on.

Wow you really called your DH a waste of space because he couldn't tell you where he had put your DD's prescriptin in the kitchen.

Honestly OP you are trying to hvae your cake and eat it here, you cannot have a lovely lavish lifestyle paid for by your DH without expeting to have to find paid help for situations like this.

It can be very difficult taking time off work for family matters. I recall a colleague whose elderly mother was very ill, in and out of hospital. The colleague was the only child, so no siblings to share the load. When she took days off at short notice it caused problems and expense in the workplace and she never recovered the goodwill. She resigned a few months later (by which time her DM had died).

We all knew the situation with her DM, but nonetheless it caused a lot of resentment when she took time off.

Tbh when I read about all these men who think they are more important than their dw, my blood boils.

They're not. Even being the person who earns more money doesn't make them more important because wonthe support of their DW they just wouldnt be at that place. They couldn't cope with that and looking afetr two dcs and not taking any time off work.

Maybe we shouod go on strike re the dcs and force them to do what we are doing day in and day out so they can get a real idea of what it actually means.

I think your married to my DP. He is always in "the most critical time yet" with work. It's been critical for five bloody years. I don't think he'd take a day off for my funeral if I died.

Can you phone an emergency nanny / sitters agency and get someone in on an emergency basis to look after the kids today whilst you rest?

It will cost but that is obviously the decision dH has taken re money work and time.

I think you need to pay for back up as he obviously can't be your back up. I've a very very busy husband and a full time nanny (as I work full time) and I hate to ask her to do extra hours so I tend not to inconvenience her leaving me resentful that DH can never really be relied on as back up. I'm so so sick now with morning sickness and will be for anoth 4-6 weeks so I've upped my nannys hours a small bit for some respite and DH is helping a bit more but if something comes in, he just can't be there for me. So I'm thinking of finding an ad hoc babysitter. Maybe even to take 2 of the kids for a few hrs on the weekend and let me focus on one at a time sometimes. Or do activities I can't do with all three (and bump). I hate spending money on 'luxuries' but fuck it, I need help and we can afford it, especially if DH can't do the role I need him to do. So the babysitter is to replace his position at times, not mine.

Yanbu at all - my oh is like this too and it's extremely unfair. I feel like it devalues my role and me that I never come first. If you are struggling you just have to lump it and dig it - that's not fair and not always possible. I've severe anemia ATM and struggling also with a baby and toddler - I get that his work pays the bills but some days I'm just so exhausted I feel like I'm going to pass out. I get frequent infections too. The baby has been quite ill and I've had to do all the hospital stays alone, getting no sleep and then when I come home I don't get a break either.

Can he work from work ever? That way he can be around to help a bit but still get some work done.

Mmmmnnn it's hard when you're unwell but he can't just take time off when he's not ill. If he was the sort who dropped everything to 'be there' he wouldn't be in a good job on a high salary giving you a nice lifestyle. You can't have it both sadly.
He's not a waste of space and that was unkind. He's working his nuts off to provide for you and you're happily reaping the benefits. You have to suck up the tough times too.

80 butbthat was a recurring issue for a few months/a year.
Not a one off like it's the case for the OP.

Goodwill wont be destroy because for had the Leave work for the afternoon ONE day in the year or because you are 'working from home' ONE day in the year.
And certainly not at that level where people are travelling quite a bit anyway etc... so not being there is part of their job.