To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

@Loopyloppy

Of course he should.

I sympathise. Last year I had a burst ovarian cyst and lay on the floor with ds (who was 2.5) running around the house for four hours before I could get myself to hospital for a vaginal ultrasound (with ds in tow .) Dh and his family were all "too busy at work."

No fucker helped me at all. I won't forget it, ever.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'd reconsider this relationship. It doesn't sound like a loving one, unless this is completely out of character.

What struck me about all this was that your husband can't really have been that competent if he hadn't trained up other people to whom he could delegate when necessary. It's not big or clever to put yourself in the situation where you can't leave work even when your wife is in hospital and there is no-one else available to look after your two small children - if someone I worked with had done this I would have been utterly appalled. If the hospital hadn't been prepared or able to let you have your children with you, it sounds as if they'd have had to call in social services who would have been asking a lot of questions about why their father had abandoned them.

How does he imagine his employers would cope if he's the one who gets ill?

@RedSandYellowSand

What do you mean by sick day? He can't phone up and say he's too ill to come to work, that is fraud. I'm a SAHM now, but if someone phoned me with the details you've given me, I'd offer annual leave, or WFH, if possible. Acceptance testing is usually pretty critical on a project. Is there noone who can substitute for him today?

Fraud! I've heard it all now. Sounds like the DH's employer gets more than their pound of flesh out of him. OP I think I'd have to insist he take the day off but be sure he takes emergency leave not a sick day, as you don't want the fraud squad knocking on your door

@Kspikes

So here's some irony for you! To all those who thought I didn't "get it", in reference to his work demands...

I now work at the same company my husband does! I do the role he did!

Gues who looks after the children when sick. Guess who takes dependency leave?
Yes- it's me!
He could have taken time off. There's always a project at a critical phase!

He's a little better regarding being around when we need him but not much. I am unhappy though.
I haven't had much off him emotionally or physically in years. My relationship is controlling and it took me years to see it.
I am revisiting this post to remind myself of the years of "Red flags", in hope one day I will leave for good.

We deserve to be treated as if we matter! Xxx

First of all those of you reading from the beginning of the thread pls read ops latest update before you start waffling on! The original post is some time a go and got rather bogged down with the phrase 'sick leave' which was never the point of the thread and was explained by op a million times. I think what i take from your original post and todays is that your husband places very little value on his family. Work is everything and you are on the periphery, by the sounds of it it wouldn't matter what job he had it would always be centre of his universe. I can only imagine that him having a job that is so all consuming is deeply wrapped up in his own ego! This is sad for him because i can't imagine he'll think on his death bed i wish I'd worked more. Pls think what do i get out of this marriage and what do the kids get out of it? If he is always on his phone working whilst they are around how engaged is he with them and you? What family time do you have when he is just focused on you and your children, is there any joy, any fun? You know you could have a different life on your own with the kids, maybe meeting someone (who prioritises you) or maybe just not dragged down by someone selfish who isn't actually 'present.' Good luck and seriously seize the day!

Your post made my blood BOIL, he's not a great husband or father if he can give money but not time when you are on your knees. Honestly I would point out to him that he will need to take a hell of a lot more time off if you split. You deserve so much better, there will never be a right time to schedule children getting sick, only fair way to do it is to alternate sickdays and yes I would put it in writing.

@Kspikes you are not being unreasonable at all. Some of the responses here are bonkers. Are you sure you want to retrain as a childminder instead of going back to your career in law? It sounds like you have to now settle for childminding as your DH is a workaholic so will do zero helping with the children… I could get a bit more on board with being a workaholic if you had a lavish lifestyle with nannies gardeners and ability to go back to law or be a SAHM with no money worries but you’re not getting that so what’s the point.

@Kspikes

So here's some irony for you! To all those who thought I didn't "get it", in reference to his work demands...

I now work at the same company my husband does! I do the role he did!

Gues who looks after the children when sick. Guess who takes dependency leave?
Yes- it's me!
He could have taken time off. There's always a project at a critical phase!

He's a little better regarding being around when we need him but not much. I am unhappy though.
I haven't had much off him emotionally or physically in years. My relationship is controlling and it took me years to see it.
I am revisiting this post to remind myself of the years of "Red flags", in hope one day I will leave for good.

We deserve to be treated as if we matter! Xxx

I expect you will get a lot of people replying to the OP without realising it's more than 4 years old and without reading your latest update.

I read it thinking you should LTB and I'm disappointed to read that you're still with him years later, but at least you are working and therefore have financial independence.

Perhaps you could start a new thread in Relationships? A bullet point list of the things he's done (or not done) over the years should suffice for plenty of supportive replies.

Sorry I just saw your update. I hope you leave him soon. He sounds like a waste of space puffed up on his own importance. Hopefully now if you’re doing his role you can manage yourself and children with maintenance from him. I’m sorry you are in a controlling relationship.

I've read your updates.

I dont get the 'you'll just have to manage at whatever cost' message you get here. I, and most people I know are fortunate enough to have flexible jobs and not all the time but most of the time can take an emergency day off to look after sick kids and would do so if our husband was meant to be looking after them but was ill, without hesitation. Yes if we did it all the time it would be career limiting but guess what, our companies know we work hard and aren't taking the piss and we take emergency holiday it's for a good reason and will make the time up. I've had senior male managers take emergency days off because their stay at home wife has a sickness bug and can't look after the kids. So I think your husband was being a dick back then and he sounds like a dick now, it sounds like you have to do everything because you're a woman and he only has to work as 'hes the man so his job is to provide'...apart from it doesn't sound like he was providing loads

Hi ladies.
I am sorry I don't come back often. I guess I have trouble facing what I deal with.

I have a lot of health issues now.
But my main concern is I live in a very cold, empty and lonely marriage.
He says he loves me but he is never interested in anything I say unless it's practical, about the house, work or kids. We live in the definition of a sexless marriage no matter how much counseling we have or how many conversations. No matter how many times he says he will try harder, he never does. I left last year and dated someone else for a few weeks. My husband begged for me back and promised to change. After coming home again he wasn't very different for more than a couple of days.
I do believe he loves me, he just doesn't know how to show it.

I could talk forever about what we have been through.

I know that I am not perfect and I feel I have changed for the better, in how I approach anything that may upset him. I don't follow him when he walks out on me mid sentence even though it's hurtful and disrespectful.

I can't face leaving him again though for some reason. I don't know why.

I don't know what is wrong with me. X

He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.

Been there done it.

There's nothing worse than a man that is not willing to let anyone down but you. Everything is critically important, can't miss this, can't miss that, but apparently you don't fall into the critically important category.

It's absolutely soul destroying

Just read your updates

I really hope you find a way to be happy.
If he's causing so much misery in your life then is it worth it?

There is nothing wrong with you

OP I think you know what will be the outcome and that is you will call time on your marriage. Your DCs will cope and you will have one less (man)child to cope with.

I retrained to go back to work after a decade as a SAHM and when a good full time job was on offer after I qualified my now ExDH had a tantrum saying I should just do part-time. In other words, PT work would give me time to still do everything I already did at home and with childcare, and I’d have no power as I wouldn’t earn much.

I chose the FT job, got promotion and eventually earned very good money. Enough to leave him and live a free life without him dragging me down.

Oh and he also hated it when I was ever ill and seemed to go out of his way to cause even more problems for me.