To expect dh to take sick day for both me and DD(1 of 2) , when we both have pyelonephritis? I have a 20 week old a sick 2 year old (given antibiotics yesterday) and I was in a & e until 1am

[Kspikes]

I just wanted to give some background and my question is at the end.

I have a 20 week old and a 2yr old. Coincidence has it that both my 2 year old and I have had water infections recently (treated with antibiotics that havn't worked) and have led to us both being diagnosed with Pyelonephritis in the same 24 hours (last night).
I was up until 1am at the local Walk in/ A & E to get treated. I am a stay at home mum (as DH is on a good salary) and I was last night on a course to become a childminder when my back pain, sickness and dizzy spells became so bad I had to take myself to be seen by a doctor.
My husband works very hard in a job he loves, is respected in and is completely addicted to. He is always at a "Critically important time" in his work and is always too busy to take time off. He hates missing meetings, letting customers down and is senior in his role etc.
My husband keeps a roof over our head, recently bought us a newer bigger house and is a good provider.

My concern is that I feel that when it comes to us being ill or emergencies he doesn't ever want to be there for us as work is more important. There's been occasions I've gone to hospital, taken my two kids, had no one else to help or pick them up and he still hasn't left work for a futher 5 hours and just finished 30 minutes early. My husband is very senior and doesn't really report to anyone on his work hours, his work are flexible, never check up on him, arn't strict with hours as long as they are done and never question him (he always works more than his hours).

My husband is a workaholic and answers calls and emails at all hours, in all places, on holiday, on the toilet on his phone, on weekends, during meals, films on the sofa, in bed at 2 am etc.

I am becoming resentful of the job that keeps us in a comfortable lifestyle. I have expressed my concerns time and time again. The problem isn't the job nor the employer requirements. I feel it's my husband!

Today I need to take my 20wk old and 2yr old with me while I go back for bloods, pick up a prescription, go to the gp all whilst my 2 year old is ill with a kidney infection and myself suffering with one too. I started my antibiotics last night and my 2yr old I pick up hers this morning.

I feel like he cares more about his job than us and doesn't care how I'm feeling and struggling today.

Surely it's reasonable for him to take dependency leave under the circumstances of both wife and daughter being ill with kidney infection?

AIBU?

Help? He's been the same for years I don't know if it's him or me that's being unreasonable. Maybe both of us? X

IME the 'fear' of 'what people will think' and how people actually react are entirely separate things.

Absolutely.

IME it also depends HUGELY on the culture of the company / workplace.

Some excellent, high paid jobs are in workplaces that value their employees as people, trust them to get the work done even at unconventional hours or in unconventional places, and thus are prepared to be flexible as they know it works for them in the long term.

Others are in companies with a macho culture of presenteeism, where 'who stayed latest' is a regular competition, but where presence is valued way above outcomes, loyalty or happiness of staff.

The pay in the two places can be absolutely equal. High paid does not have to mean 'we own you'.

Kspikes I didn't realise how sick you are. Maybe your DH also doesn't realise how sick you are, surely he has to come and help you if you get kept in hospital.

My DH is also a workaholic, and is even a bit scared of looking after all 3 DC on his own. BUT he would never be so uncaring.
If I have even a minor childcare issue during the working day (I work freelance to be able to be with the children), he will look for flexibility so he can take over. If not, he'll try to help sort out the next best option, and he'd certainly be in touch as much as possible in the OP's situation.
Workaholic doesn't necessarily mean not caring.

YANBU.

If the kids are ill and you are fine it is understandable you are doing the running around.

If you are severely ill AND your child is too, AND there is running about etc needed doing to deal with that illness then your DH needs to step up. He has parental responsibility too.

My ex was like this. Now we are separated funnily enough he helps out a bit more at times like this despite his job not getting any less senior. It is doable.

Also I must stress I PREVIOUSLY had a water infection now I have a Kidney infection / pyelonephritis.

I appreciate all comments too even those that disagree with me. It's good to see all perspectives. I just want people to be informed correctly on my situation so they can give advise and opinions corrrectly xxx

Thanks to all with positive supportive comments x

Well if you may get kept in then obviously your dh needs to sort out time off. I'd be annoyed if one of my team members didn't prewarn me this might happen

trust them to get the work done even at unconventional hours or in unconventional places

This is very true but it depends very much on the role. If you're a barrister, you have to be in court to defend or proescute. You can't do that from home (although you can of course catch up on paperwork). Doctors, teachers, lecturers, prison officers, air traffic controllers likewise. Even if you're an office worker there might be a meeting arranged with attendees from across Europe or something that can't be done by video conferencing.

Yes in most roles there will be opportunities for flexible working but that's not always the case and even the most supportive company will have periods where they desperately need people to be in and can't allow working in evenings or at weekends instead.

Oh and hope you're on the mend soon OP.

I will try to manage today. I will look into emergency nannies for today and incase of any other emergency but I doubt they will take me to the hospital (drive) for bloods, the pharmacy and take my daughter to the doctors. I do like the positive ideas though. I had never thought of an emergency nanny. We probably can't afford one today (tomorrow is pay day).

@Kspikes you are really ill, hope you manage to get thru it.

Yes emergency nannies won't drive you about to pharmacy etc however they can at least stay home with the children whilst you get a taxi to go pick up prescription and go to hospital.

I had a severe kidney infection when DD was 6 months old. She was also a bit sick but I had high fever, was in extreme pain and was totally weak. Unfortunately, the day it came my DH just left for a business trip abroad and couldn't come back. It was a torture and I remember how it felt, not being able to even change DD's nappy on the table, I had to do it on the floor as I was too weak to lift her.
Your DH could help you out, at least work from home and jump in when needed.

If your 'DH' (who is acting very selfishly in my view) works for a large corp they probably have access to emergency childcare / nannies. I know my company did when I worked for a larger insurer. Text him and say he needs to arrange emergency childcare for the next week starting today, or he gets his arse back home pronto as you and the children are ill and need to be cared for, certainly not traipsing round the the chemist to collect a prescription.

With people like this you have to be really clear - assume nothing. Tell him I am too ill to care for the children - I need help from you; either by you or for you to arrange someone else today, now.
Then when things have settled down I strongly suggest you get some couples counselling. Just because he's being a good provider of cas, doesn't let him off the hook for providing care to his family.
Hope you are feeling better soon and your husband steps up to the plate

I can't quite fathom the lack of empathy from your DH or from some of the pp. If you are really ill to the point of a&e last night then your DH should be stepping up.

I work pt and was on Mat leave with toddler in tow until recently. DH is the high earner and he would 100% be here or at least organise childcare in this situation. You are unable to care for your kids safely without harming your own health today. It is not ok for him to just skip out of the door because you're a sahm and he's got a job. He's still a parent. Tgar shitty behaviour.

Next time tell him explicitly that he needs to step up. That's the grownup action. Suffering and simmering with resentment is just going to harm you and your marriage. I'm sorry he didn't offer but you know he never will.

Your husband doesn't put a roof over your head and 'he' didn't buy you a bigger house. You're a team but from your OP you sound like you're so bloody grateful! Like he's doing you an enormous favour going to work everyday and paying the mortgage!
You don't value yourself OR your role as a sahm, so quite frankly, why should he??

I am in a highly paid highly stressful job and I work for people who are more senior, even more highly paid (7 figures) and more stressful. They take leave when they have a family commitment.

Your husband is not the Prime Minister and he doesnt work on submarine. No job is that important or indispensable that there is never any time when he can take a day or a half day for a family emergency.

' I do understand those pressures as I previously had a more senior role than my husband. I am asking for dependancy leave. That is legal. '

The problem isn't what you are legally entitled to, the problem is your dh doesn't agree he is needed at home. You need a back up plan for the future if you are unwell. No, nanny's won't take you to the gps but they look after DC so you can go.

Yes in most roles there will be opportunities for flexible working but that's not always the case and even the most supportive company will have periods where they desperately need people to be in and can't allow working in evenings or at weekends instead.

That's not exactly what i meant. As a teacher, I know that there are jobs you can't do unless you are there! However, IME of working in large and small corporations before being a teacher, and DH being employed in a senior role again in a variety of organisations, in many jobs there is absolute scope for neghotiating EXACTLY wghat is critical and what is not IF the organisation wants to make it work.

So for example DH and i have done days where i have taught for 'critical' lessons (2 hours in the morning), while he has conference called into a meeting from home, then I have come home having arranged cover within the school while he has gone in to something that can only be done face to face, then he has returned home again while I have been into school for a critical meeting with a parent after school.

It's about negotiating EXACTLY what is critical, rather than saying 'MY job is critical 12 hours a day, yours is NEVER critical'.

haven't read beyond page 1 of the thread, so apologies if this is completely off as a suggestion. Have you considered hiring an emergency nanny? I know a couple where husband had a high-pressure job, impossible to take time off, yada, yada. Which was fine while wife was a SAHP able to cover all domestic fronts. But when she returned to work, one of the conversations they had was, "OK, how do we manage if the kids are sick/have medical appointments/cover the shortfall between annual leave and school holidays?" and nanny cover was the solution.

I know that what you want is for husband to deprioritise work at times of illness and put you and kids first, but that might be a longer term project. , and you need a solution fast.

I see this a lot; where high-powered men are able to opt out of family life through work, because there's a Default Parent at home, and they can absolve themselves via the sahp.

This isn't just about OP's current illness; it's about a partner who fundamentally doesn't see he has any responsibilities outside of work.

Agree with KimmySchmidt1 - no one is indispensable. This is about your DH's attitude and priorities. It's perfectly possible to be a workaholic and still be there for family when needed - single parent workaholics like me do it all the time.

He's made a choice to put work first. I agree with PP, you need to accept you can't rely on him for support and put a back-up system in place (whether that's friends/family/paid childcare). Otherwise, the resentment will just continue to grow because he's never going to be where you want him to be on this issue.

In your shoes I would ask them to admit you so you can have a break!

God, these soo important men get on my tits.
People like this should have a hard think about whether they are actually capable of being a parent.
If your job is so critical that any time off for emergencies is impossible then YOU should put in the effort to find back up childcare and support.
If you were both working and reliant on a nanny/childminder who was ill, somebody would have to take some time off.
A child has two parents if one can't fulfil their role then the onus is on them to do the research and the work to make sure that they have back up available.
I'm afraid I have no other advice, as I simply would not marry or have children with someone like this.
I am the main earner in my family and am often away overnight, but in an emergency I would be the one ringing round and calling in favours as that is the very least I could do, if I couldn't be present.

I do worry that your DH - and you, to an extent - see caring for your DC as essentially a financial transaction: he buys your time / house to care for them, and that is the end of his responsibility.

You seem to feel that, because he has 'bought' you and your house, he has 'done his part'.

It just shows a fundamental issue around values. You are both your children's parents, and between you, you are responsible for bringing them up. Yes, at the moment, you may have decided that the best option is for you to 'do' the main work of childcare, but you are still equally responsible for that work, and jointly responsible for your children's wellbeing.

Art the moment, you are too poorly to be able to care for your DCs as you would both want them to be cared for - and also need care for yourself - so, as jointly responsible parent, your DH should be stepping in.

If FAT stands for Final Acceptance Testing and he is a critical part of the team then he can't just take a day off. Usually when it gets to that stage delay can be measured in penalty payments. A couple of days off could cost the company a chunk of profit and possibly future business.

Guess whose neck would be on the block.