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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be infuriated by this (school related!)

282 replies

ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 14:56

I am just about to send an email out to my DCs class to invite them to an event (the parents) via 'classlist'. This is an event for all parents (and DCs). Classlist is the way that parents and the PTA are supposed to communicate about any events, parties, social stuff outside of the normal school day but is also used most days to remind parents about things happening In the classroom too (e.g. Forest school days, sports day) which kids need kit etc for.

There's 30 parents on the list, not one is a father / male. I can't believe that still in 2017 when most of the parents at my DCs school work, plenty of them full time, it's only Mums that are on the school comms list. It has massively annoyed me. I know it won't change anything, but it just feels we are so far away from an equal load in terms of parental responsibility I can't see it will ever change. The class list sign up went out to all parents earlier this year (there's approximately 54 emails on that list, mums and dads) and low and behold only the Mums have signed up to receive communications regarding event / parties / anything outside of the formal school comms. I wasn't involved in that sign up admin process.

Off to hassle my DH about why he isn't on it now (I thought he was!)

OP posts:
HildaOg · 26/06/2017 15:10

Yabu. People do what suits their family. Nobody's obliged to put themselves on any list.

Pennywhistle · 26/06/2017 15:13

But you don't actually know that Dads don't read the emails.

The email address we use for school is one we both have access to and both read.

It's also the email address we use hobbies and clubs, including things that are just related to my DH.

Don't you have any SAHDs in your school?

sonlypuppyfat · 26/06/2017 15:14

My DH wouldn't have a clue, he doesn't even know what doctor, dentist or even in fact birthdays are. School play days etc would be lost on him

sirfredfredgeorge · 26/06/2017 15:14

YABU for even knowing the addresses of other people on the list. It's highly inappropriate - since the only way to not share an address is to not get the updates, so it's highly coercive.

asmallfee · 26/06/2017 15:15

Yabu

DH isn't on the school classlist for the kids school and is iirc the 3rd contact on the list. Because he works away during the week there would be absolutely no point in telling him about stuff going on or asking him to bring in kit when he is 600 miles away

Have you also considered that not all families have a father in them OP?

Original poster
ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 15:16

That's true, they could be shared emails however each person creates a 'profile' and they are all Mums, no joint ones or Dad's. There are no full time SAHD in the class (there are in the school) but there are also only 3 SAHMs, the rest work, a few part time, many full time.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 26/06/2017 15:19

Why are you annoyed?

As long as the kids get the messages and are sorted for whatever - I don't see any problem at all

Original poster
ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 15:20

Of course, I am not expecting there to be all (as in every) parent on the list, I was just shocked that out of a possible 60 parents, we have 30 mums and no variation to that!

OP posts:
asmallfee · 26/06/2017 15:21

Any emails regarding the kids and school come to me- there is absolutely no point in DH dealing with it, having a shared profile or email e.t.c.

Fwiw DH and I have a split. I get the kids and school, he gets the house. Which includes stuff like shopping at the weekend

It's what works for us.

Jessicabrassica · 26/06/2017 15:25

Our school only allows one number per family on the text system. It's me. Partly because, since dh works in education and I have a desk job I can deal with stuff as it comes in but mainly because I don't trust him to tell me or the kids if there is a text or to deal with it himself. So, no, whilst dh is mostly competent, he is not the primary contact for school.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 26/06/2017 15:25

At my school we use a system called SIMS. When the school application form is completed we ask for both parents details as well as some alternative contacts for emergencies. We then ask for these to be prioritised.

I would say that in 99% of cases Mum's contact details are those specified as priority one so those are the details that are used first.

DH and I do both check each other's emails though so he still knows if there has been an email from the school. I am just the first point of contact in the event of illness or something like that - purely because I work nearer to the school and can be there in half an hour as opposed to the two it would take him.

Coddiwomple · 26/06/2017 15:29

YABU for even knowing the addresses of other people on the list. It's highly inappropriate
Hmm there's always one.

Anyway, YABU. Couples organise their own life how they see fit, it has nothing to do with you! The fact that your own DH is not even on the list is funny.

Eolian · 26/06/2017 15:33

YANBU. It's perfectly acceptable to lament the general lack of equality in things like this, without meaning that you are judging individual families' life choices.

Lightpurpletulip · 26/06/2017 15:35

Can't say I'm surprised by this. My husband doesn't have a clue what our children do. He won't have his contact details on lists either because the bombardment of texts and emails annoy him and interfere with his important work messages.
I might add that I also work full time as a teacher.

KickAssAngel · 26/06/2017 15:35

I don't think OP is exasperated by the individual families, more that the structure of society is such that it seems impossible for penis wearers to be the one who answers emails. Why is that?

In a class of 30 I would hope for a bit more diversity than that.

Kitsandkids · 26/06/2017 15:35

From what you've said it sounds like the school contacted all families for details and every family replied with mum's details. That's not the school's fault, that's just what works best for those families.

I'm first contact for my kids' school, I deal with all letters, texts, consent forms etc. My husband is more than happy for me to deal with them and I want to. I suspect that's the case for most other 2 parent families.

Hiphopopotamus · 26/06/2017 15:36

Oh dear. Everyone's getting very defensive here and it's because you all seem to be part of the problem. I'm sure there's always logical reasons why women are the contact and not men - it doesn't mean that it's not a problem.

Hiphopopotamus · 26/06/2017 15:37

Funny isn't it - that two parent families always seem to divide up labour the same way - even when both are working.

Minniemagoo · 26/06/2017 15:39

As someone above said the school only allows one number for the text a parent system so I suppose its laziness on my behalf when filling out the class list to only list one too.
I usually end up forwarding them to DH if they are something I think he needs/should know anyway, maybe next year I'll remember this thread and make sure both are added to the class list.

Original poster
ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 15:39

Thanks Eolian, I am not judging anyone's individual set up, as Coddi has just pointed out my DH wasn't even on the list (he is now!!!!!) but I am tutting at him because he has received the exact same email as me (to sign up) and chosen not to bother to act upon it (i assume he just assumed I would...) and I am concerned that this is possibly the case in a lot of households. FWIW I work full time and DH takes a very active role in the kids and school but when it comes to organising 'stuff' for them (school / play dates) etc he is always happy to take a back seat...that also goes for attending school events and the like.

It's just that I am generally annoyed that as a society things really don't seem to be spread equally at all when it comes to 'looking after the kids' and I already feel that this message is what our children pick up on on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 26/06/2017 15:40

The school gets the addresses from the information given by parents - and if whichever parent fills the form in provides both addresses the school will add both. If you filled in your form and only provided yours who are you pissed off if it isn't you?

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 26/06/2017 15:41

My DH was mistakenly texted by the school once, to notify him of an event. He phoned me in an absolute panic that he might have to do something to do with school. It would be a complete waste of time putting him on the contact list.

Hiphopopotamus · 26/06/2017 15:46

For goodness sake! Women aren't inherently more capable of dealing 'with the school' whiterose did your husband phone you from his job where he is expected to carry out far more complex tasks than doing something to do with school. The low bars these men are set astounds me

BitOutOfPractice · 26/06/2017 15:46

YANBU OP. And crikey aren't peole touchy!

Nowhere does the OP criticise anyone's family choices. In fact she readily admits that her own family runs on similar lines.

What she is saying is that, in 2017, women in her class are still taking on 100% of this stuff. And I agree with her. It is depressing.

I firmly believe that this sort of stuff is what's holding women back so much in other parts of life

KavvLar · 26/06/2017 15:49

Yes I agree OP. Same at the school gate, there are a variety of parents that pick up but the what's app and face book groups are invariably 'Year 5 Mums' or 'Mums night out'. Drives me mad.

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