To be infuriated by this (school related!)

[ChippaChoc]

I am just about to send an email out to my DCs class to invite them to an event (the parents) via 'classlist'. This is an event for all parents (and DCs). Classlist is the way that parents and the PTA are supposed to communicate about any events, parties, social stuff outside of the normal school day but is also used most days to remind parents about things happening In the classroom too (e.g. Forest school days, sports day) which kids need kit etc for.

There's 30 parents on the list, not one is a father / male. I can't believe that still in 2017 when most of the parents at my DCs school work, plenty of them full time, it's only Mums that are on the school comms list. It has massively annoyed me. I know it won't change anything, but it just feels we are so far away from an equal load in terms of parental responsibility I can't see it will ever change. The class list sign up went out to all parents earlier this year (there's approximately 54 emails on that list, mums and dads) and low and behold only the Mums have signed up to receive communications regarding event / parties / anything outside of the formal school comms. I wasn't involved in that sign up admin process.

Off to hassle my DH about why he isn't on it now (I thought he was!)

Just to clarify, the system allows for both parents to sign up to it, it's a way for parents' to communicate about school events, play dates, parties, thing like buying the teacher an end of term gift etc etc it's not the school contact list for urgent matters (that is different and I have no idea who is on it) but the school themselves also send reminders out via it to bring stuff in / about key events etc.

To all those who think I am having a go at individual set ups, I really am not, my house is indeed also pretty guilty of this, but I just can't help thinking what a sorry state of affairs it is when so many of us (see posts above) are saying that 'DH can't be bothered with the bombardment of emails / texts' 'DH doesn't know anything about what the kids do' etc etc . I mean what message is this to our kids, sounds like 'women are organised and get shit done' 'men shirk responsibility, have bigger and more important stuff to be doing and can't be trusted with information'

When we were asked for contact details e.g. for Groupcall there was only room for one phone number. It seemed obvious they were expecting one parent to be the one picking up all the time.
In YR there is at least one SAHD, one set of parents with shared custody, and both I and DH work part time. We put two phone numbers in the space but it would have been more family friendly to have spaces for two numbers and then say "any more please add here".

We put down a shared email address as main contact address.

OP, article seems to describe what you are angry about very well indeed.

I also find it infuriating that in families where both parents work, the mother is assumed to be in charge of school stuff. In my DC's school this is changing - very gradually, though!

Err, whoops - wrong link! this is the right article!

Wow, it astounds me that people are saying they are only given the opportunity to put one number down as a school contact. I mean from a safety POV that's just foolish.

To those who get where I am coming from, It depresses me to see how many close, really successful and highly paid women I see running themselves in the ground to keep 'on top of' all this stuff when they have (quite capable) men living in their homes who just let them get on with it. I am in no way saying this is all the man's fault either, in fact I know I could do a better job of encouraging DH to 'do his bit' I guess today has been a bit of a reminder to me!

Because even when both parents work out of the home equally, child-related admin is still 'wifework'. I can understand there not being a need for both parents (unless separated) to sign up but it doesn't surprise me at all that mum is the default for this kind of thing.

Signonthewindow - yes I have read that before, hits he nail on the head in this household!

I'm a sahm. But I'm also pretty poorly. Everything comes to my email. Dh reads it though and does half of the admin around it. It would be terribly confusing for us both to be subscribed.

it's because you all seem to be part of the problem. I'm sure there's always logical reasons why women are the contact and not men

First, I don't see why it's a problem. If you want your own husband to be the main "child activity organiser" and take a step back, it's entirely up to you. No need for looking down at people who prefer to do otherwise.

The reason why I am the main contact? Because I am the one who give birth, that's why! 4 children = 4 maternity leave. I am the one who had to step back from work at the end of my pregnancy and the months after for pure biological reasons. I am just more available than my husband, even if we both work, so what.

Every couple has different preferences and set up, I do find it a bit strange to judge others. My boss' main contact for the kids is the nanny. It's up to her to forward whatever she feels relevant to her employers. It works for them. I am not judging!

My kids' school can't cope with more than one contact. MrNC works mainly from home, I work 3 days in an office with no mobile reception, and I'm too deaf to understand phone calls anyway.

Until I made a big fuss, I kept being phoned up by nursery and later school, about everything - because it was just assumed that Mummy was the one to call and no-one ever looked at the form we filled in saying to call MrNC or use my landline. Apparently the phone system has MiniCitrus - mum, Minicitrus - dad recorded, and staff who don't know us always - by some amazing coincidence - decide to phone the former.

A couple other kids have dads who are SAHDs or work at home locally and their parents have the same problem. It really gets on my wick that the 'solution' is seen as the school staff memorising which familes you call dads for, rather than changing the system, perhaps automatically calling all contacts in order in an emergency and seeing who picks up.

At least both of us get texts and emails and between us we can deal with those.

No YANBU. I was moaning about my mental load to dh the other day and he tried the "well i don't get the emails from the school" excuse. I pointed out he could have had them for the asking, and should be ashamed for not wanting them. He also now gets copied into each one and doesn't read them.

Barbarianmum - that is exactly my DH's excuse, apparently the schoolcomms app doesn;t work for him....funny that every other app in the world seems to. Anyway i managed to get him to sort that so he gets the 'all school messages' just not this classlist thing which I have now told him to bloody well sign up to.

Unlike some (so it seems on here?) My DH is completely and utterly capable of doing anything I do for my kids (except breastfeeding), he is very able to plan what they eat for tea, collect them from school, attend school celebrations, go to drinks with other parents, sort out gifts for parties and pack their school bags. HOWEVER, he does a lot less of this than me because 1.) he CHOOSES not to sign up for the emails about stuff and 2.) I let him get away with assuming I will do it for him.

I am glad to have started this thread today as if nothing else it's reminded me I really need to stay on top of things under my own roof in terms of ensuring he takes on stuff and I don't just become the default parent doing IT ALL.

Oh fgs. It's not a problem if individual families have a set-up like this. It's the fact that 100% of the OP's list is female that indicates that there has been much less of an equality shift in this kind of area than one might have hoped for by 2017.

One can only assume that either a) the vast majority of women are the second earner, are part time or don't work or b) they do work ft but are still doing all the child-related admin because 'men can't do that stuff'.

Fwiw I'm in the 'a' category. I work part time and earn peanuts compared with dh. I get all the school emails. So I'm not criticising anyone. I'm just a bit depressed at the 100% figure. I rather hope it will be diffeent for dd's generation.

Surely it would only be an issue if the parent who received emails didn't then communicate info with the other parent.

At our school both parents attended parent evenings, concerts, sports days so they are obviously passing stuff on to each other.

We both do our fair share of food shopping, washing, dog walking its all an even split. It just doesn't matter to me if its my email to school send any info to.

Me too Eolian.

The problem is, OP, when all and nobody has specific responsibility for something, nobody does anything... You seem to want to live in a Utopia where both parents know all about social events, things to bring into school, etc, and discuss it with great interest together at home so as to decide amicably between them who should do what on each and every occasion. This will never happen, and while it is a majority of women that take on the responsibility, you are not going to get a lot of men offering to feel like a weirdo, turning up to events with a whole load of women. And so, it is generally the women who continue to accept the responsibility, and some also to develop their social lives around it.

Actually at my son's previous school, there were quite a few men who were the "main contact" and also a male class rep!

you are not going to get a lot of men offering to feel like a weirdo, turning up to events with a whole load of women

This is so depressing. Why would any father feel like a 'weirdo' turning up at school sports day or a 6yr old's birthday party.

I think a lot of people are missing the point. It's not about judging people, it's about the fact that in a group of 30 children not a single father is signed up to deal with school admin. That is significant, given that having to deal with this sort of 'wifework' is what results in a lot of women having to drop out of the workforce because they are so overburdened. If men would participate in carrying the load then that would happen a lot less.

OP how's this for sexism? I work full time, DH works part time. His name is first on the contact list. There was a school trip recently and they asked for parent helpers so he volunteered. They sent a note, to me saying thanks for offering Mrs Sparrowhawk but we have enough volunteers. This is in spite of the fact that I did not offer, my husband did.

It gets better. A couple of days before the trip I got a phone call to say one of the volunteers had dropped out, and could I go? Eh...I didn't offer FFS! My fucking husband did! Why are they calling me when I'm not first on the list??? GAHHH!!

Of course I didn't say that, I just said 'I can't go but my husband can.' That flummoxed her for a second but she finally got the message that a dad was actually going to participate in his son's school life (shock horror!)

Thank you Project, that is positive!

OP, of course it's disappointing.

Our school sends everything to everyone, after I pointed this out, and refused to keep telling him when everything was (it was in the email, it was on my Gmail calendar he has access to, and it was written on two wall calendars the kids use - so I don't think I was being unreasonable), DP had a flurry of interest for about 2 weeks (even booked a day off for sports day) but then let it lapse (so missed sports day when it was moved - with plenty of notice, that he didn't read)

I've decided it's his loss. If he can't be bothered to read an email and come to the DS's school events then fine, the kids are used to it by now, they know I'll take the time off work and be there smiling and clapping.

This fucks me off too - I was just thinking about it the other day.

I am around more- no issues with being the "primary contact" on the emergency call list for sick kid pick-ups or forgotten swim kits.

But for all other school communications I can't see why BOTH parents aren't encouraged to sign up. In our case we're actively discouraged- 2 primary schools and neither have the facility to add 2 email addresses and mobile numbers to their systems. At 1 I was told it would cost an extra £200 per year. God knows what divorced parents do.

I may be the one who ends up dealing with the cereal boxes that need supplying by tomorrow, or ensuring there's a yellow t shirt for sports day, but that's because if the communication only comes up on my inbox or messenger, sure I can forward it to my other half, but they'll assume it's already dealt with rather than taking the chance to independently step up.

In my experience most fathers also find it easier to ignore all requests for this sort of voluntary stuff and schools perpetuate it by telling the kids to "ask your mum" for whatever.

Individual household dynamics are influenced greatly by societal norms. We could change those if schools themselves asked ALL parents to sign up to communications.

'You seem to want to live in a Utopia where both parents know all about social events, things to bring into school, etc, and discuss it with great interest together at home so as to decide amicably between them who should do what on each and every occasion.'

You consider this a utopia?? God you don't expect much do you?

DH is the main contact for school stuff but he tells me most of what's going on and anything that he can't do, I'll do. Unlike many fathers I don't just ignore what's going on with my children because I work fulltime.

Project....you're on to something there. I was going to sign up as class rep for next year and I am now going to ask DH to. That will be a shocker for him!

YABU. Mums are just generally better at remembering all these events and getting things organised for the dc. Thats just life. I'm sure in familys where the dad is more in charge of stuff like this he would be on the list instead. I don't see the point in 2 parents being on there, just to get the same notifications sent out to them.