To be infuriated by this (school related!)

[ChippaChoc]

I am just about to send an email out to my DCs class to invite them to an event (the parents) via 'classlist'. This is an event for all parents (and DCs). Classlist is the way that parents and the PTA are supposed to communicate about any events, parties, social stuff outside of the normal school day but is also used most days to remind parents about things happening In the classroom too (e.g. Forest school days, sports day) which kids need kit etc for.

There's 30 parents on the list, not one is a father / male. I can't believe that still in 2017 when most of the parents at my DCs school work, plenty of them full time, it's only Mums that are on the school comms list. It has massively annoyed me. I know it won't change anything, but it just feels we are so far away from an equal load in terms of parental responsibility I can't see it will ever change. The class list sign up went out to all parents earlier this year (there's approximately 54 emails on that list, mums and dads) and low and behold only the Mums have signed up to receive communications regarding event / parties / anything outside of the formal school comms. I wasn't involved in that sign up admin process.

Off to hassle my DH about why he isn't on it now (I thought he was!)

[MoreMusicPlease]

Agree with you entirely OP. It's no judgement on individuals' circumstance, it's about the reflection on society. For what it's worth my DP is much better at this stuff than me, I hate it, but because of our circumstances when we had our DS he had to take a job with long hours and a long commute whilst I could get reduced hours locally in the career I loved. I have more time so it makes more sense for me to do more of the admin at home. Hopefully this will change though.

I find it shocking in this day and age than men have less rights when it comes to looking after their children. I'm talking about maternity vs paternity vs new parent leave. All parents should have the same rights and it's shocking men don't kick up a hell of a fuss about this - but I think that's down to society's expectation. Yeah, they don't all have to take the role of primary carer, but they should have the RIGHT to do it, if it suits their individual circumstances. It starts a precedence. And I believe it'll be a lot easier for women to get equal pay if society treats parents equally.

[Doman]

Our school asked us for a primary and secondary contact person. I'm the primary one so I get all the texts and emails, despite my husband actually spending more time at the school. Could just be that.

[Lovelymess]

I think that's pretty standard!

[Goldiloz]

Some of you are missing the point. Of course families do what works best but out of 30 families you are seriously telling me it is easier for mums to get the texts. Not one dad has a desk job where mum is in teaching or dad works part time etc.
I am on mat leave and still in 2017 the playground is 90% female at pick up time. The PTA leaders 100% female. Primary staff = 1 male teacher.
You can all make excuses but childcare is still viewed as a woman's job. When I returned to work after dc1, I applied for a promotion and the boss said, "well, only if you think you can cope". My husband (same field) gained extra responsibility and no one said anything.

[MaryTheCanary]

At the individual level, each couple can do things how they like. At the mass level, it's telling that every family has divided things up the same way.

YANBU to feel irritated about this, OP.

LOL at the poster saying that her husband had a panic attack because someone from the school contacted him. Give me strength!!

[mummyof3kids]

Every day in my household feels like a battle. My misogynistic husband moans like crazy on the 1 day each week he drops the kids to school. He also try's to get me to cover his day (I do t mind if he has meeting or urgent work to attend to but he wants to stay in bed an extra couple of hours). This morning was his 1 day and I had to tell him yet again that no I was not dropping the kids off. Even on this 1 day I still get the lunches, bags. Fruit snacks, water bottles, signed reading records, uniforms, p.e. Kits etc.ready. On the Tate occasion I am away on business overnight he usually rings me to ask where something is or moan the kids are not co-operating. I have had to learn to be thick skinned and stick to making him contribute at least a little. He does around 2-3 of the pick ups each week and moans about the impact it has on his life. I also let the kitchen bin overflow now as it is one of his very few tasks so I refuse to empty it. Yesterday he complained as the bag was so full it was difficult to get out and then it split as he got out the front door. I choose to ignore him and not bother reminding him if he emptied it more frequently it would be easier. He is more than capable of carrying out these tasks, he works from home most of the time and rarely works more than 25 hours per week (paid a full time wage). I work full time and have a fairly demanding job. I keep the diaries up to date and do all the odganising. I am usually exhausted and have so much resentment towards him. This is my 2nd marriage and my 1st was totally different. We really did share all tasks 50-50 Just a pity my 1st husband was a serial cheater!

[Lovingit81]

Totally know where you're coming from OP x

[Tigermehhhhm]

I'm with you OP. The mental load weighs me down.

[eulmh]

Surely those people put down their details in the first place though? In fairness my husbands email is down too and he does actually check I've seen the emails.... doesn't do much else after that though. But it's how our family works.

[ChippaChoc]

crazyunicornlady if you read the thread back you'll see that I don't think it's at all wrong that women/mothers have signed up (I have!!) I was just surprised that not one single father has bothered (or discussed and chosen to over his partner), we were all invited to you see...but only 30 mothers did. We all obviously feel it was important that our kids don't 'miss out' on stuff / we are aware of what's happening in our children's class but no Dad have seemed to be bothered either way (of course there could be behind the scenes discussions but I'll never know that! And there weren't in my house). I just think it's a shame that in my specific school and class the dad's seem not to be involved so much / hardly at all. I am saddened to see it seems to be a common thing from these responses on MN. FWIW I am in South Yorkshire in an affluent area, small village close to a city. Most parents are quite well off, educated, mostly both working in a wide cross section of jobs.

[Crazyunicornlady]

If the list is all mums then surely that's down to their individual choice.

Why does everything we inherently choose to do as women have to be seen as wrong? When did equality get so crazy?

[38cody]

But you are equally guilty - poke your nose out.😄

[ItchyScratchy247]

Link fail www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/voices/donald-trump-president-women-voted-for-white-college-educated-working-class-reasons-terrifying-a7409596.html%3Famp

[ItchyScratchy247]

I remember reading an article that touched upon this in a roundabout way during the last USA elections. When the figures were studied, it showed that women predominantly voted for Hillary Clinton except for one group who predominantly voted for Trump, white women without college educations.

It was argued in article [[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/donald-trump-president-women-voted-for-white-college-educated-working-class-reasons-terrifying-a7409596.html%3Famp]] that one of the reasons for this is that poorer women who are less likely to be empowered, find their power in the domestic sphere and don't want to give that up. I think I can see that attitude reflected on this thread by some posters.

[LubiLooLoo]

YANBU... but what can you do?

[roundaboutthetown]

The request must be in writing, however, or there is not proper authority to change the records.

[roundaboutthetown]

The school sending texts and e-mails to the wrong person is bizarre, as I thought most school systems automatically send mass messages out to whomever asked to be "prime parent" or first priority contact. It would be phenomenally time consuming for a member of school admin staff to be selecting mothers' e-mails from a list deliberately each time, rather than just sending messages to the prime parent of the named child. Specifically informing the school in writing that there is an error in their system, therefore, and the wrong parent is down as prime contact, should solve the problem.

[Gitch69]

When my husband and his ex-wife divorced, he was awarded custody which was unusual nearly 20 years ago.
The children's school, however, didn't seem to understand that they should defer to him when it came to day to day matters. They would always contact his ex-wife who would, more often than not, fail to pass on information meaning the children missed out on mufti days, trips etc. The school was told on numerous occasions but they ignored and carried on regardless. Schools, it appeared, was the realm of the mother only!
(When we had children, they didn't go to that school!!)

[pollymere]

My husband signed up but they send me the texts and emailed letters. He doesn't. Interesting isn't it? I also had this problem when he was the first contact parent for her being sick, they would always call me first. I think schools make an incorrect assumption rather than the parents. As you said yourself, you thought your DH was on it.

[ahhhhhwoof]

YANBU but unfortunately it is just a snapshot of what society is at the moment. As others have said, my DH is on the email list but his job means it isn't really practical for him to try and organise kit as he leaves the house at 6 and often works shifts. It isn't others you should be annoyed at though it's your husband

[Sarahrellyboo1987]

Why don't you swap your email address to your daughters dad??
YABU....get over yourself

[Sara107]

Agree op, it is depressing that school is apparently women's work, but I'm not surprised. Same in my house! I get the emails, sign the permission slips, pack the kit, remember when piano day is etc. DH will carry out a specific task if asked, but I have to be 'in charge' of the process or it simply wouldn't happen. I put all the term dates onto the calendar but he will just ask me instead. Or text me if I'm at work, because of course I carry the term calendar in my head. I find it quite stressful and it annoys me because my efforts to keep it all together are invisible to him. With hindsight, I would have done things very differently.

[Alwaysinahurrynow]

Our is always mums too. The funny thing is that the dads were all moaning how they never got to have a dad's night out as they didn't get each other's phone numbers...they were a bit surprised when I suggested that they actually could do this pretty easily by asking their wives or the school!

[Holly12345]

Let their own wives be pissed at them, maybe its mums being too controlling and trying to make sure stuff actually gets done and is remembered

[OhLaVache]

I agree too, Outofpractice. I'be recently started working full time (as does DH) and I've needed to stop being 'she who knows where the PE kit is'. Just today, the cat had to go to the vet and I had to say how hard I found the assumption that this was my remit! He totally understood (and took cat to the vet) but it's been a difficult shift.