To be infuriated by this (school related!)

[ChippaChoc]

I am just about to send an email out to my DCs class to invite them to an event (the parents) via 'classlist'. This is an event for all parents (and DCs). Classlist is the way that parents and the PTA are supposed to communicate about any events, parties, social stuff outside of the normal school day but is also used most days to remind parents about things happening In the classroom too (e.g. Forest school days, sports day) which kids need kit etc for.

There's 30 parents on the list, not one is a father / male. I can't believe that still in 2017 when most of the parents at my DCs school work, plenty of them full time, it's only Mums that are on the school comms list. It has massively annoyed me. I know it won't change anything, but it just feels we are so far away from an equal load in terms of parental responsibility I can't see it will ever change. The class list sign up went out to all parents earlier this year (there's approximately 54 emails on that list, mums and dads) and low and behold only the Mums have signed up to receive communications regarding event / parties / anything outside of the formal school comms. I wasn't involved in that sign up admin process.

Off to hassle my DH about why he isn't on it now (I thought he was!)

[ChippaChoc]

nosquirrels that is it precisely. My DH is great at 'turning up' when I've asked him / it's a big thing but he never thinks about what kit is needed / whose party it is / what raffle prize is required....all left to me (me the other 29 mums on the list) and I don't know why. I can see for some (approx 5 Sahms) in the class it makes total sense for the others (over 50% working full time) I'm surprised. Totally not judging anyone's individual situation (I mean I'm doing it too) I just hoped for more sharing of responsibility for all that crap if I'm honest.

[Backingvocals]

Totally agree OP and some weird status quo defending messages in here. I'm a single parent and work ft so no option here but it's the same at our school. The mums do the default social glue / school admin/ picking up pieces and making things happen at school despite having at least as much to do as the dads (e.g. Where both work ft). It's unpaid, unpublicised and unglamorous so go figure.

[pamhill64]

My daughter is now in high school but throughout her dad has been SAHD and I've worked. Despite this, no amount of form filling with him as 1st contact and requests to amend over numerous years, they still contact me first!! Sometimes I simply believe it's an automatic reaction and frankly sexist at that as they scroll past hubby and ring me for me to then ring him as I'm unable to leave work and sometimes in court so have my phone on silent, or maybe I'm missing something???

[Sparklyglitter]

There are Dad's on our lists - add your DH and hopefully more will get added or maybe have a Dad's list? My husbands on ParentMail but if it's an active email list that would probably drive him mad as I deal with most of school stuff, my choice. So being bombarded with emails of that kind would be a pain for him xx

[roundaboutthetown]

Sparrowhawk - I am not muddling anything up, thank you very much. I am responding to those parents who want schools to fork out more money on a school communication system that texts and e-mails more people than absolutely necessary, and to run around dealing with the messages that come back telling them that various people didn't get the duplicated message.... There is more than one thread to this thread! As for men not signing up to social updates - if two people are signed up, this will not cure the problem, as one of the recipients of the e-mails (almost certainly the man) will just delete them without reading them, because they do not consider them to be important and assume someone else will deal with them, anyway. You do not solve an ingrained problem by adding to people's junk mail. You have to work on the men to make them understand that sort of mail is not junk from their children's perspective!

[FlorenceLyons]

But being bombarded with emails is a pain for everyone, Sparklyglitter. The question the OP is asking is why it is that, in her child's class, all the women felt they needed to opt in to them, and all the men felt they could opt out?

[BertrandRussell]

Nobody is suggesting duplicate messages.

The point is that the vast majority of communications from schools go to mothers. The assumption is that most contact with school will be made by mothers. This is highlighted by the fact that most communication lists where people have chosen which parent to put on the list will be overhelmingly be full of mothers.

And this is perpetuating the pattern in society which puts mothers as the "main" parent and fathers as the subsidiary.

[OhLaVache]

I agree too, Outofpractice. I'be recently started working full time (as does DH) and I've needed to stop being 'she who knows where the PE kit is'. Just today, the cat had to go to the vet and I had to say how hard I found the assumption that this was my remit! He totally understood (and took cat to the vet) but it's been a difficult shift.

[Holly12345]

Let their own wives be pissed at them, maybe its mums being too controlling and trying to make sure stuff actually gets done and is remembered

[Alwaysinahurrynow]

Our is always mums too. The funny thing is that the dads were all moaning how they never got to have a dad's night out as they didn't get each other's phone numbers...they were a bit surprised when I suggested that they actually could do this pretty easily by asking their wives or the school!

[Sara107]

Agree op, it is depressing that school is apparently women's work, but I'm not surprised. Same in my house! I get the emails, sign the permission slips, pack the kit, remember when piano day is etc. DH will carry out a specific task if asked, but I have to be 'in charge' of the process or it simply wouldn't happen. I put all the term dates onto the calendar but he will just ask me instead. Or text me if I'm at work, because of course I carry the term calendar in my head. I find it quite stressful and it annoys me because my efforts to keep it all together are invisible to him. With hindsight, I would have done things very differently.

[Sarahrellyboo1987]

Why don't you swap your email address to your daughters dad??
YABU....get over yourself

[ahhhhhwoof]

YANBU but unfortunately it is just a snapshot of what society is at the moment. As others have said, my DH is on the email list but his job means it isn't really practical for him to try and organise kit as he leaves the house at 6 and often works shifts. It isn't others you should be annoyed at though it's your husband

[pollymere]

My husband signed up but they send me the texts and emailed letters. He doesn't. Interesting isn't it? I also had this problem when he was the first contact parent for her being sick, they would always call me first. I think schools make an incorrect assumption rather than the parents. As you said yourself, you thought your DH was on it.

[Gitch69]

When my husband and his ex-wife divorced, he was awarded custody which was unusual nearly 20 years ago.
The children's school, however, didn't seem to understand that they should defer to him when it came to day to day matters. They would always contact his ex-wife who would, more often than not, fail to pass on information meaning the children missed out on mufti days, trips etc. The school was told on numerous occasions but they ignored and carried on regardless. Schools, it appeared, was the realm of the mother only!
(When we had children, they didn't go to that school!!)

[roundaboutthetown]

The school sending texts and e-mails to the wrong person is bizarre, as I thought most school systems automatically send mass messages out to whomever asked to be "prime parent" or first priority contact. It would be phenomenally time consuming for a member of school admin staff to be selecting mothers' e-mails from a list deliberately each time, rather than just sending messages to the prime parent of the named child. Specifically informing the school in writing that there is an error in their system, therefore, and the wrong parent is down as prime contact, should solve the problem.

[roundaboutthetown]

The request must be in writing, however, or there is not proper authority to change the records.

[LubiLooLoo]

YANBU... but what can you do?

[ItchyScratchy247]

I remember reading an article that touched upon this in a roundabout way during the last USA elections. When the figures were studied, it showed that women predominantly voted for Hillary Clinton except for one group who predominantly voted for Trump, white women without college educations.

It was argued in article [[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/donald-trump-president-women-voted-for-white-college-educated-working-class-reasons-terrifying-a7409596.html%3Famp]] that one of the reasons for this is that poorer women who are less likely to be empowered, find their power in the domestic sphere and don't want to give that up. I think I can see that attitude reflected on this thread by some posters.

[ItchyScratchy247]

Link fail www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/voices/donald-trump-president-women-voted-for-white-college-educated-working-class-reasons-terrifying-a7409596.html%3Famp

[38cody]

But you are equally guilty - poke your nose out.😄

[Crazyunicornlady]

If the list is all mums then surely that's down to their individual choice.

Why does everything we inherently choose to do as women have to be seen as wrong? When did equality get so crazy?

[ChippaChoc]

crazyunicornlady if you read the thread back you'll see that I don't think it's at all wrong that women/mothers have signed up (I have!!) I was just surprised that not one single father has bothered (or discussed and chosen to over his partner), we were all invited to you see...but only 30 mothers did. We all obviously feel it was important that our kids don't 'miss out' on stuff / we are aware of what's happening in our children's class but no Dad have seemed to be bothered either way (of course there could be behind the scenes discussions but I'll never know that! And there weren't in my house). I just think it's a shame that in my specific school and class the dad's seem not to be involved so much / hardly at all. I am saddened to see it seems to be a common thing from these responses on MN. FWIW I am in South Yorkshire in an affluent area, small village close to a city. Most parents are quite well off, educated, mostly both working in a wide cross section of jobs.

[eulmh]

Surely those people put down their details in the first place though? In fairness my husbands email is down too and he does actually check I've seen the emails.... doesn't do much else after that though. But it's how our family works.

[Tigermehhhhm]

I'm with you OP. The mental load weighs me down.