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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be infuriated by this (school related!)

282 replies

ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 14:56

I am just about to send an email out to my DCs class to invite them to an event (the parents) via 'classlist'. This is an event for all parents (and DCs). Classlist is the way that parents and the PTA are supposed to communicate about any events, parties, social stuff outside of the normal school day but is also used most days to remind parents about things happening In the classroom too (e.g. Forest school days, sports day) which kids need kit etc for.

There's 30 parents on the list, not one is a father / male. I can't believe that still in 2017 when most of the parents at my DCs school work, plenty of them full time, it's only Mums that are on the school comms list. It has massively annoyed me. I know it won't change anything, but it just feels we are so far away from an equal load in terms of parental responsibility I can't see it will ever change. The class list sign up went out to all parents earlier this year (there's approximately 54 emails on that list, mums and dads) and low and behold only the Mums have signed up to receive communications regarding event / parties / anything outside of the formal school comms. I wasn't involved in that sign up admin process.

Off to hassle my DH about why he isn't on it now (I thought he was!)

OP posts:
NotYoda · 26/06/2017 17:50

I am so not chilled out ......

MiaowTheCat · 26/06/2017 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundaboutthetown · 26/06/2017 17:57

Where on earth are these schools which do not have fathers' contact details?! Ime, schools always ask for contact details for both parents and others (people usually choose grandparents). Where step parents are involved, too, the list can get quite extensive and if schools send the information to everyone on the list of contacts, they receive lots of complaints from people wondering why they have received a message, as they now have no clue who is going to deal with it. It is 100% up to the parents whether they ask for the mother or father to be priority 1 contact, or both priority 1. Ime, it is usually the mother who puts her name down as priority 1, despite the choice not to, and ime, usually because the mother actually wants to know everything that is going on and wants to be the first to hear if there is a problem. I have never, ever spoken to a woman who complained she had had to put her name down as priority 1 when she did not want to and her husband could have been, instead! How much effort, really, is it for the person listed as priority 1 on a contact list to pass the information on to anyone else interested, fgs? It takes minimal effort to forward an e-mail. Why burden schools with more admin? Schools are cash strapped enough as it is, without being blamed for parents' inability to cope with admin relating to their children and getting irate phone calls from people complaining that the whole family is being bombarded with messages with nobody knowing who is taking responsibility for them.

TeacherPresent · 26/06/2017 17:58

We have loads of dads do pickups and attend events and help out.

My dh, o the other hand, hates the kids school with a passion and won't go to events but will attend concerts for the kids if they are in something. But fairs etc? Nope, not even if he is home that day!

Mumzypopz · 26/06/2017 18:03

Just because the mums name is on a contact list doesn't mean the load isn't shared equally.

TheSparrowhawk · 26/06/2017 18:15

Who said anything about being ashamed Coddi?

KickAssAngel · 26/06/2017 18:18

So those saying ti can be shared equally, why are there no dads listed? Surely just basic probability wold mean that at least one father is on the list. The fact that there isn't means that something else is going on.

This isn't a random coincidence.

User843022 · 26/06/2017 18:25

At our school on every trip, event etc there would be an equal amount of parents male and female. Things like football would usually have more dads.

Just because there may have been one parent's email address on their list it did not equate to who had the most involvement.

Coddiwomple · 26/06/2017 18:26

Why would any father feel like a 'weirdo' turning up at school sports day or a 6yr old's birthday party.

It starts early, try to be a dad and turn up at baby clinic to weigh your own baby.
I have seen facebook local "mums group" refusing point blank to add any male. My best friend is a widower, and it's really shit. He really is not made feel welcome in so many places.

Then you have the mums complaining that husbands can't do anything right when they are doing something.

It is depressing!

roundaboutthetown · 26/06/2017 18:31

Maybe the notion that information relating to your children at school is just boring admin is part of the problem. It isn't - it's your children's lives, ffs. Whoever is not priority 1 on the contact list should be able to rely on the person who is telling them what is going on and where they can help. They should not just rely on that person doing everything and not passing relevant information on. Since when did people become incapable of communication and delegation?

WeaverOfNonStories · 26/06/2017 18:33

DH and I are both on the school email list and text chain so we both get newsletters/alerts etc. The secondary have us both on email but only me on text. I think they must do a one text per pupil policy and my number was written down first as I filled in the forms (DH is disabled and he struggles writing) There's an informal Fb group we are both part of but he never checks it because he doesn't care. I only check it periodically if I need to know something specific.

BertrandRussell · 26/06/2017 18:35

"Just because the mums name is on a contact list doesn't mean the load isn't shared equally."

Pretty good indicator, though!

WeaverOfNonStories · 26/06/2017 18:37

Me and DH ran a baby group. We got quite a lot of dads after a while because DH was there every week and word spread that the group had a dad in it. Many of them had struggled to find groups or events they felt comfortable at. Women do discriminate. One lovely guy said he had to stop taking his kid swimming because the women made him feel like a perv and he felt like he couldn't look at anyone for fear of being accused of staring.

TheSparrowhawk · 26/06/2017 18:39

Why is it that men aren't trusted around children Weaver?

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/06/2017 18:42

KickAssAngel
So those saying ti can be shared equally, why are there no dads listed?

We don't actually know if there are no dads listed in the OP's list, just initials could be male or female.

If its why are no dads listed on school records, that would just be wrong as they are.

and SIMS can pretty much take as many names and numbers as you give it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/06/2017 18:42

TheSparrowhawk
Why is it that men aren't trusted around children Weaver?

That would be because some women are narrow minded.

museumum · 26/06/2017 18:46

"Every couple has different preferences and set up"

Except, they don't do they? In the OPs class at least there was absolutely zero variation in who got the info.

Mumzypopz · 26/06/2017 18:46

Surely the class list is just a list for PTA to contact parents about fundraising events, and for parents to invite other parents to parties. A parent can do their fair share of 'parenting' and fair share of the load without being on that.!!! We don't have class lists (thank God), but the way we do it is I am contact for one school and husband is contact for the other. He defo takes on his fair share of the load. I wouldn't read too much into it to be honest.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/06/2017 18:49

When the DC were in primary school, we always put DH as the first contact, because I am a teacher and can't answer the phone most of the day. Whenever a phone call was needed they would try me first. I would have to get my lesson covered to call them back and tell them to ring DH. Irritating.

User843022 · 26/06/2017 18:50

'Why is it that men aren't trusted around children Weaver?'

As demonstrated here, because some women generalise based on little fact other than their own opinions.

Original poster
ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 18:55

Juat to reiterate again...there are definitely no men listed on the list I've looked at today, 30 people who have said they are Mothers and listed their first names.

The system allows anyone to sign up, it's not listed to one parent and it is not obligatory to sign up.

Point is 30 mothers have CHOSEN to sign up (including me) and 30 fathers (no single parents In the class) have CHOSEN to despite all being invited to.

Of course everyone does 'what's right for their house' and as I've said in my house I am the person who signed up (despite working full time I tend to do most school related stuff and school associated events) what concerns me is WHY this is happening.

Why aren't these dad's bothering to sign up? Probably because they know someone else will deal with it and I can't help thinking I am perpetuating that (and so are many others)

It doesn't necessarily mean I want my DH to be the 'primary carer' because I want him to be interested in receiving information about his children's school life. Personally I believe we both have a role to play.

I totally get that often households share the load, makes complete sense but it does seem that often anything child related falls to the mother...obviously at some points that may may make sense but personally I feel now it doesn't and that's what prompted me to wonder why this (appears) so entrenched in our society. Clearly I can only speak from the experience at our school but it seems many share this experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 18:56

Excuse typos! Bloody predictive typing!

OP posts:
BusyBeez99 · 26/06/2017 18:57

DH doesn't even know who his own car insurance is with. We don't need two 'admin' in our house. I do it all and pass on what he needs to him. I can't see your issue

Original poster
ChippaChoc · 26/06/2017 18:59

Should read 'not limited to one parent' and that 30 fathers (who received invitation to sign up) have chosen /decided not to for whatever reason

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 26/06/2017 18:59

Generalise what Myrtle? What's the opinion that they're generalising from?

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