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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think 18 year old DD could get the shopping delivery in?

225 replies

ncfortoday · 22/06/2017 22:29

Hi, I'm willing to hear I'm BU (I'm not one of those Grin) so be as honest as possible.

I have a food shopping delivery coming tomorrow (a rather large one at that) but something has come up and I can't be in the house. However, DD will be home all day. She's 18. I asked her if she'd be okay getting it in and she said she'd rather not. She says she has never done it before, etc. AIBU to think it's fine to expect her to do it? Obviously if she won't, I'll have to change it. Is it something your 18 year olds would be happy to do?

OP posts:
VintagePerfumista · 23/06/2017 07:16

Maybe she struggles doing those things on her own because she's never done them on her own? Rather than because she has anxiety.

There's no point us all listing what we had done at 18, though with dd I do keep trying to remember that by her age, I was cooking, doing the grocery shopping on my own occasionally and certainly doing far more than she does. (she's 13)

But, yes, at 18, she certainly needs to be encouraged to be more proactive (presuming she's, at some point, going to have to deal with delivery people in her own home) /less lazy, whichever it is.

AtHomeDadGlos · 23/06/2017 07:28

If she refuses to accept the delivery and put it away then you'll require her to spend her own wages on her food and drink in the future.

What a snowflake your daughter is.

MonkeyPieMama · 23/06/2017 07:32

Wow... She sounds entitled. Don't ask her, tell her. My 4yo could do it. You're the parent, parent her.

FlyingElbows · 23/06/2017 07:39

Here's how the conversation would go in my house (except it wouldn't because my 18 year old is a grown up)

D: "I'd rather not."
Me: death stare "Tough tits. Get it done."

Therein lies the difference. Channel your inner dragon, op.

LilyMcClellan · 23/06/2017 07:45

Without wanting to be rude, this strikes me as the type of incompetent Millennial that newspaper editorials complain about.

Not sure about in the U.K. but where I live, 14-year-olds can babysit. If a 14-year-old is expected by law to be competent enough to be responsible for a smaller human (including, presumably, first aid or calling help in the case of an emergency), then there is no reason on earth that an 18-year-old couldn't take a shopping delivery in. I would expect a NT 10-year-old to be able to do it (apart from them obviously not being able to be home by themselves!).

leighdinglady · 23/06/2017 07:46

She's being lazy. Don't ask her to do it - tell her. She'll be happy enough to eat the food you've paid for!

leighdinglady · 23/06/2017 07:46

She's being lazy. Don't ask her to do it - tell her. She'll be happy enough to eat the food you've paid for!

Deathraystare · 23/06/2017 07:48

If you have always molly coddled her and not expected her to even help with the food shopping delivery then I am afraid you only have yourself to blame. Don't ask, tell!

Presumably she gets to eat or use some of the purchases? Or is she going to survive on beans on toast all week as she surely wouldn't expect to eat any of the food you ordered.

I despair at teens who don't help out. They are part of the family, aren't they?

Bumpins19 · 23/06/2017 07:53

YANBU but there's a difference between 'I'd rather not do it' and 'I'm flat out refusing to do it', to which I'm guessing your daughter falls into the former camp. I'd rather not have a home delivery when it's just me at home because it's just so much easier to negotiate the crazy narrow hallways of our flat and carry the heavy stuff in etc. if my husband's also here. So, if I have the option between picking a delivery slot when both of us are here and one where it's just me (or even one where it's just him), guess which one I'm going to choose.

However, if I need to have a delivery on a certain day (e.g. cooking a big meal where the ingredients aren't available from the local, ordering in a birthday or Xmas present), I can do it on my own if that's the only choice I have. I'd just rather not, if that makes sense.

So, I think what I would say is - if you could easily reschedule the order to another slot and it wouldn't be either here nor there for you, then reschedule it. If rescheduling it would be an inconvenience to you (I would say that's even if, for example, YOU just don't want to deal with the 'faff' of rescheduling), I'd leave it as it is.

FloofyDoof · 23/06/2017 07:53

My 16 year old and 18 year old always bring in the grocery delivery and put it away too. They insist on doing it even if I am home too, because it is not a big deal for them to do it and it saves me some pain, and do quite a few things to help with the running of the house, because they are almost adults.

It's absolutely not in the least bit unreasonable to ask an 18 year old adult to help with simple household tasks like getting shopping in and putting it away!

Stopyourhavering · 23/06/2017 07:54

At 18, I presume she's now finished school/college and may be going to Uni in September ( or moving into her own place soon).....time to get some life skills here!!..... does she even ever get shopping for you or clean the house or put on a washing and then hang it out?..... if not you're not doing her any favours and she needs to get these skills pronto or her flat mates will have something to say!

morningconstitutional2017 · 23/06/2017 07:56

At 18 she is supposedly grown up. I believe that she can train to be a nurse, fight for her country in the forces, leave home and vote in an election. Of course she can bring the shopping in.
If she'd still rather not tell her you'd rather not feed her this week.

Shakirasma · 23/06/2017 07:58

glances at just turned 19 yo dd, home from uni having lived independently 200 miles away for the last academic year

I really think you need to raise your expectations of your adult DD OP.

PegLegAntoine · 23/06/2017 08:00

She might be anxious about making small talk with the driver. Some are chatty but most aren't IME. I still get our shopping delivered in bags anyway so it takes under 5 minutes.

Whether it's laziness or worry I really hope she does it, it'll be good for her

RhiWrites · 23/06/2017 08:03

Crikey. I'm a bit shocked, I think.

To avoid the "faff" of speaking to someone and grabbing the bags she'd rather you had the inconvenience of arranging rede livery. Does she hear herself?

GrumpyOldBag · 23/06/2017 08:12

Of course she should do this. I would expect either of my dc (15 & 18) to do this, and they do. And put all the shopping away.

If it's just because she 'doesn't want the hassle' and not due to anxiety, then you need to absolutely insist she does this.

Does she help out around the house in other ways?

Ilovemybabygirls · 23/06/2017 08:14

Of course she can do it! If she wants to eat she needs to pick up the bags from the front door and put them away. End of.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/06/2017 08:18

I'd see if she can invite a friend over and get them both to do this together. Clear the fridge out as best you can so it is easy for her to do.

She is 18! not 8.

GlitteryFluff · 23/06/2017 08:29

Are you sure she doesn't have anxiety?
I'm 27. I work in a shop. Was a full time manager in a shop before I had DS so was in charge of 20 staff etc. At work you'd have no idea I had a problem.
At home I don't get the delivery shop in. I order it and put it away, but DH gets it in. If work needs doing on the place so a builder or someone is due or a large delivery of say furniture is due DH makes sure he is home. I can deal with postman or little Amazon deliveries but not a sofa or Tesco food delivery. She sounds like me. I'm pretty 'normal' in a lot of life but socially I'm weird.
Obviously I don't know her, she might just be lazy and can't be arsed but the 'faff' of talking to someone I totally understand as I am the way I am.

HappyFlappy · 23/06/2017 08:31

My cats could get the Tesco delivery in

My cats wouldn't lower themselves to do drudge work. However my dogs get enormously excited when the boxes of food arrive, and are best friends with my regular delivery men ("Hiya, Sean!" ).

As Crowy says, it's a life skill (in the broadest sense of the word) - don't give her the option of refusing. It ain't gonna kill her.

Tell her to accept any substitutions and you'll sort that problem out when you get home.

MindTheGarp · 23/06/2017 08:35

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard! She's 18! 18! Of course she can (and should) do it. She eats the food too I presume?

MrsPorth · 23/06/2017 08:38

She really needs to pull herself together.

Nousernameforme · 23/06/2017 08:43

Yup it probably is apprehensiveness on her part but the only way to get over that is to do it.

Leave her to it she will be anxious whilst waiting and probably a bit flustery while doing it but once it's done she will have a sense of achievement at overcoming something.

I say this as a 4/5 year GAD sufferer so I am not entirely unsympathetic.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 23/06/2017 08:46

errr....even if she has anxiety that's no excuse for not stepping up.

i'm an independent adult who has - and still is - battling chronic anxiety issues and take medication for it........does that mean i'm entitled to sit on my arse having a pity party whilst others run around after me?

she has to learn to cope with everyday tasks/self care despite any mental health issues.

wowbutter · 23/06/2017 08:48

Having worked with CAMHS extensively, even if she did have anxiety and struggled to do this, it is important she does. They are all about graded exposure and feeling the anxiety and doing it anyway.

By 18 I had lived alone for a year, as a 17 year old trying to get a weeks shop done, home and unpacked, that was hard. You are asking her to put a shop away, and open then close the front door. She needs to grow up and start acting like an adult. Is she moving out soon? Because most 18 year olds are off to uni etc so need to start learning how to function.

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