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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think 18 year old DD could get the shopping delivery in?

225 replies

ncfortoday · 22/06/2017 22:29

Hi, I'm willing to hear I'm BU (I'm not one of those Grin) so be as honest as possible.

I have a food shopping delivery coming tomorrow (a rather large one at that) but something has come up and I can't be in the house. However, DD will be home all day. She's 18. I asked her if she'd be okay getting it in and she said she'd rather not. She says she has never done it before, etc. AIBU to think it's fine to expect her to do it? Obviously if she won't, I'll have to change it. Is it something your 18 year olds would be happy to do?

OP posts:
AguacateMaduro · 22/06/2017 23:07

my teen would be weird about it too. I'd have to beg / pay her.
She's not shy with kids her own age but answering the door to a stranger?! omg. oh. em. gee.

I had to go to the post office the other day because she didn't answer the door for my art materials and they went to the post office. she rang me to tell me that she hadn't opened the door.

my 11 year old is much braver but has fewer friends.

RB68 · 22/06/2017 23:07

she is being ridiculously selfish

NoLoveofMine · 22/06/2017 23:07

Good advice SomeOtherFuckers as it sounds like you can identify with the OP's daughter and where she's coming from. It's not something I'd have considered so may be harsh to express incredulity she'd not want to do it. If it is that then it's still a good idea for the OP to ensure she does this as it'll do her good.

FluffyPineapple · 22/06/2017 23:07

YANBU. Your dd is 18 - an adult! Of course she is capable of receiving a grocery order that has been delivered, unless there are special circumstances you haven't mentioned.

Lots of young women leave home at 16. Myself included. How I wish there was online grocery deliveries then...

villainousbroodmare · 22/06/2017 23:11

My 22mo takes all the shopping including jars (unless I get to them first) out of the buggy undercarriage and puts it either in the bottom cupboard or (effortfully) onto the countertop which is way above his head. He dumps the two litre milk in front of the fridge and roars Moo.
I am concerned about your daughter who is now an adult.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 22/06/2017 23:12

Goodsmart rock, but you're probably going to have to move to Cairo Grin.

Not necessarily helpful to OP! My dd1 would be paralysed by anxiety over deliveries where her elder brother & younger sister would take in their stride. I get it, she's a stress monkey, bless her. But by 18 she's going to need to have got over it.

2017SoFarSoGood · 22/06/2017 23:13

Sorry OP just re-read my post and it sounds really mean. That was not my intention!

I've lived with the teen who was 'unable to manage' all kinds of things at home but did them beautifully at school and elsewhere. They really do know how to make us work for them if we let them Flowers

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2017 23:13

If you cancel the delivery just because she can't be arsed would rather not, then you are a mug. Not only are you a mug, but you are a mug who is setting herself out to be used by her adult DD forever more

Ffs. That's so out of line. My daughter had this concern. She's moved three hours away to uni, she's done great, but yes, some people have some social anxiety/ shyness. The op isn't a mug nor her daughter a user, my daughter did tons for me, simply at that stage she preferred not to deal with strangers.

Honestly, I don't know what's worse. Social anxiety or being the sort of person who calls people a mug on line and their children users, without knowing the people involved. In fact I do know. The latter is much worse.

Oh and my daughter grew out of her shyness. You seem to be yet to grow out of your meanness of spirit.

Dishevelled09 · 22/06/2017 23:13

Maybe she's overthinking it a bit worrying that the sub's might not be acceptable or what exactly she has to do. Can you just reassure her that you will be on the end of the phone if needs be and all she has to do is put the frozen stuff away? It's not that she's being like my teenager refusing as they can't be arsed by the sounds of it, just a bit hesitant about something new.

Original poster
ncfortoday · 22/06/2017 23:14

Definitely not defending her but it isn't the putting the shopping away that was her problem. She frequently hangs the washing out, does the ironing, puts fresh clothes away, etc.

It was just the whole 'faff' (her words) of speaking to the guy and getting the shopping quick enough from him.

OP posts:
PodgeBod · 22/06/2017 23:14

She's playing you OP. Time to move to a more adult relationship. And she needs to be putting it away, as well!

BluePheasant · 22/06/2017 23:15

Does she ever answer the door for other things? It sounds like she is just a bit scared of looking silly? I agree with others that you need to make her do this, she is 18 and sounds like she needs a bit of a push for her own good.

Bananasinpyjamas4 · 22/06/2017 23:16

I think if it is social anxiety then you need to make her do it. It's the perfect opportunity - as she doesn't have to do or say much, it takes 5 minutes, she basically has to open the door. If I thought my kid was nervous I'd go through exactly what they needed to do / say and treat it like, come on, you can do it, lightly. But at 18 she needs to face these things.

If it's not anxiety - how about telling her there will be no food for her all week unless she does?!

KoalaDownUnder · 22/06/2017 23:18

It was just the whole 'faff' (her words) of speaking to the guy and getting the shopping quick enough from him.

Oh, so she's just being lazy then. Why are you even questioning whether you were unreasonable to ask her?

NoLoveofMine · 22/06/2017 23:18

It will be good for her to do it. Reassure her that it's unlikely the delivery driver will want to hang around chatting when they've doubtless got numerous other deliveries to get done.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 22/06/2017 23:19

My 13 yo dd did exactly that last week, as I had to take my dad to hospital unexpectedly. She had to get a neighbour to sign for it, then she, her 12 yo sister and 9 yo brother put it all away (they do this every week as one of their chores, so they know where it all goes, and they all have a "job"! The delivery man says he loves coming to ours as we do the bagless shop, and we are the quickest team at emptying the trays!)

At 18, I was at Uni, doing my own shopping!! (wish we'd had delivery in those days!)

hopsalong · 22/06/2017 23:25

If you can I'd cancel the delivery and make her a list. She can walk to the shops and get it herself/ carry it back. Or maybe she can drive? I used to drive and do my parents shopping from 17, if they were both at work.

I can sort of understand her teenage apprehension of opening the door. But unless I'm missing something she needs to get over herself and do it. A long boring and hot afternoon slogging around Tesco will teach her more efficiently than you can why online shopping is bloody brilliant! What a privilege, really, to get a load of delicious food brought straight to your front door for free when you're already an adult!

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2017 23:25

It was just the whole 'faff' (her words) of speaking to the guy and getting the shopping quick enough from him.

I think deep down you have the measure of her since starting this thread, and I admire you for it OP Wink

Am I right in thinking that because you have younger children, you've just always got on with it yourself? The phoning the doctor for an appointment is a perfect case in point.

From your DD's point of view, 'Mum has always done it' so therefore 'I'm not expected to'....that's the sort of thing that makes it a 'faff' for her.

I really think this time you should just explain that she needs to step up to the plate. Answer the door, tell the guy to place the bags in the hall/pass them to her or whatever she chooses. Then she needs to put the shopping away.

Don't give her the choice. It sounds like it will be character building anyway.

Oh and encourage her in future to ring the surgery herself, then make a mental list of all the other things she should really be doing now as a young adult.

justatoe1 · 22/06/2017 23:27

When I was ill my DD17 got a lift from a driving friend, and did the weekly shop. Can't pick a bloody towel up off the bathroom floor mind.

GreenTulips · 22/06/2017 23:31

Gosh - I pooped out last week and was expecting the plumber - I just shouted up to 11 year old DD - if the plumber turns up just show him into the bathroom - she didn't bat an eye lid - never thought to ask her if this was ok - it was a necessary expectation - not a choice

Original poster
ncfortoday · 22/06/2017 23:35

Thank you all and @WorraLiberty thank you for your helpful post. Yes, I suppose I have always just never realised there even needed to be a transition. When she was 11 (and some of you say your kids can do it) my others were 7 and 3, so I kind of have always just done everything. Mind you, I now have a 14 and 10 year old who judging by this thread should be able to do it! To be honest, I think my 10 year old would love it. 14 year old not so much but that would be pure laziness. I'm not so sure if hers is full laziness but definitely some probably is! It's just she isn't lazy when helping around the house.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 22/06/2017 23:37

I owuld say YANBU, but is she used to going shopping with you and sorting stuff out to go away, or is it totally alien to her? If the latter, then you've made your own bed, etc!

Hannahfftl · 22/06/2017 23:37

I struggle with things like this when it is the first time. It's not knowing my role and the other persons expectations of me. I know it's pathetic but it's who I am.

Possibly something like this for your daughter op, however I do find that when I just 'have to' get on with things I manage fine so I think you should leave it and let her see that she can do it.

Caulkheadupnorf · 22/06/2017 23:39

It sounds like she needs to become more resilient. She seems worried that something might happen (not enough room, driver may say something) and she won't know how to respond or what to do.

PickAChew · 22/06/2017 23:40

Have you reassured her that she doesn't have to say anything strenuous to the delivery driver? The trickiest issue is substitutions - tell her to accept them, whatever, even if that means you have rhubarb and custard sweets when you wanted fresh rhubarb.

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